Hello there, the angel from my nightmare.

Good heavens! I haven't posted in five days and not a soul commented!

[I Miss You--Blink 182]

A lot happened in five days, which I wrote about here, but I will focus on Nick, who was FINALLY on the bus yesterday. It was fun just seeing him again, after, like, a week. He wasn't being as much of a perv as usual, but he was annoying Happy (not that I object), and staring at me a lot. Happy and Gem were obsessing over me and Nick being a "cute couple", which was majorly awkward. Nick was being all defensive and denying left and right he liked me like that at all. Argh. This is sad.

[The Reason--Hoobastank]

AHAHA I GOT MY HAIRCUT!

Hair before: Really long, usually messy, no bangs, no style.

Hair NOW: Short, wavy-ish, bangs (like half side bands), AWESOME.

Sorry. I'm not good at these description things.

[I Miss You--Blink 182]

I really wanna get out of the house, but my parents aren't home, so that's out. Blah. I wanna play around with my hair (which now feels absolutely weightless) and go to a party or something. Any place with a lot of people. And bring my friends along.

Argh, major uncoolness. In Tech we're doing this Doodle for Google thing, and I am nowhere near done, and we're using paint.net to do it. I can't work on it at home because my computer won't let me download paint.net! I should work on the story behind it, I suppose, but I don't want to. Eh. I'll worry about it tomorrow.

Blah, I'll worry about it today, too. Whenever I leave things undone it's really hard for me to sleep and I keep worrying about if I'll finish on time and feel really lazy for not doing it when I had the chance. Oh well, that'll disappear when I finish it. If I finish it...

I have many choices for a theme song:

1. One Of a Kind--Placebo
2. Drag--Placebo
3. About a Girl--The Academy Is...
4. It Ends Tonight--The All-American Rejects
5. Into the Ocean--Blue October
6. Fix You--Coldplay
7. Stricken--Disturbed
8. I Wasn't Prepared--Eisley
9. Going Under--Evanescence
10. Over My Head--The Fray
11. You Found Me--The Fray
12. I Don't Wanna Be In Love--Good Charlotte
13. Boulevard of Broken Dreams--Green Day
14. Not Your Concern--The Hush Sound
15. Faint--Linkin Park
16. Unwritten--Natasha Bedingfield
17. Time Is Running Out--Muse
18. Starlight--Muse
19. I'm Not Okay--My Chemical Romance
20. Hate I Really Don't Like You--Plain White T's
21. Save Me--Queen
22. My Name Is Love--Rob Dickinson
23. Too Late--Skye Sweetnam
24. Animal I Have Become--Three Days Grace

See? A lot. My list of favorite songs is much longer, but has a lot of the same songs.

You possess every trait that I lack, by coincidence or by design.

[Drag--Placebo]

Hullo!

Not much happened today, blah. Nick wasn't on the bus and I didn't talk to Bruce so that was pretty boring. People kept stealing my iPod :(

My new theme song: Drag by Placebo. It's freaking awesome. Go listen to it. NOW.

I have to listen to more Placebo songs to see if I like them. I sure hope I do :)

The only thing remotely interesting that happened today was Silver told Basil I said hi (which I most certainly did not, by the way), and apparently he said "okay" in response. To quote him: wtf? Is that all you can think of to say? Have some originality! Jeez!

Mini pizzas for dinner. Yum, yum.

I desperately need more iTunes money. I have 66 cents left and at least 5 songs I want to get (for now, that number can only grow).

Nat still hasn't given me my Christmas present, NAT.

I thought you said forever over and over...

[Paper Thin Hymn--Anberlin]

Ahaha, I've never heard the rest of Anberlin's songs, but Paper Thin Hymn must be the greatest.

Woah, eventful day! Don't have many of those anymore.

I'll start with health, which was fun for the first time in forever. We're making commercials! Our original group was me, Silver, Kim, and Nat, but Nat went with Ani and Tiff since they're our friends too, so it's me, Silver, and Kim. Woo, fun!

We have to advertise a health care product we make up, and guess what ours was? You guessed it (well, probably not), Strawberry-Away. Guranteed to repel all Strawberrys!

We actually used my real name, but I can't write that, so ta-da! Ha ha, our commercial is hilarious so far. A winner for sure :)

Now on to Nick! He has Verizon, and I have AT&T, so he has to pay to text me.

[One of a Kind--Placebo]

Not cool AT ALL. Argh.

He told me his birthday :) October 24, which means he's a scorpio. I thought that meant we were horrible for each other, but apparently not. We "enjoy working together towards acquisition" and "can learn from from one another if they agree to meet halfway".

Gay. So gay. And he's nothing like a scorpio.

http://love.astrology.com/features/astrology/lovematch/virgoscorpio.html

GEM TOLD HIM I THOUGHT HE WAS CUTE!!! He said he didn't believe it, but I was still freaking out. Agh. Nice going, Gem. Ha ha, he stared at me a lot on the bus, especially when I tried getting a picture of Gem. I was going to ask for his picture, but I was too nervous. I can't help thinking he wanted me to ask. *ponders*

Speaking of pictures, there's this freaky one of a dead girl going around on this forward message. Uber creepy. I hate it. It gives me nightmares. I mean, I know it's not real...

[Because I Want You Too--Placebo]

I need a plan. I'm to shy to ever get anywhere with Nick, and I definitely need a highly organized plan of what I should say, do, think, you get the picture. On my own I'm pretty pathetic :( I couldn't think of one thing to say to Nick and he was right across from me the entire bus ride! How many times do I get an oppurtunity like that??

*sigh* Help...

I had an actual [texting] conversation with Bruce, of all people.

Bruce: Oh no!!! Nicks hoe is on the bus
Me: Asshole.
Bruce: go suck nicks balls
Me: I cant u already r.
Bruce: that is a lie why dont you speak to your pimp because i ain' texting no more
Me: Its not a lie and good ur clogging my inbox.
Bruce: 2 things is iwas not saying i am how would you know. Lily is making nick sit in .2 you are lucky you aren't sitting near the unknown gender
Me: Lol 2 the second. I thout u werent textin anymor.
Bruce: you know anymore has an e at the end
Me: Ya but i dont wanna write it.
Bruce: lazy :P
Me: U kno the beginning of a sentence is capitolized.
Bruce: The phone does't do it automatically i have to go it :(
Me: Lol mine duz. Ha ha. Omg ur ears r so small.
Bruce: Damn it why do you have to remind me
Me: Lol srry. R u all sad now?
Bruce: Hell no
Me: Lol u usually get all sad.
Bruce: Well i am not this time
Me: Yeah ok. Omg u have a relly crappy fone. What kind is it?
Bruce: env2
Me: Oh. Nvm. It looks bad from here. Lol srry.
Bruce: that is the case
Me: What? Oh. Lol.
Bruce: look

At which point he shows me his phone. My my, I had an interesting bus ride.
Also: Daniel held a door open for me, but he also asked Hallie out or something. Oh well. At least I got to stare at him ;)

BRUCE TEXTED ME.

Bruce: nick wants his naughty little girl in his bed
Me: Who the hell r u?
Bruce: BAM
Me: Bruce??? Howd u get my number?
Bruce: ya bitch (nick he lives close)
Me *can't decide between snickering or glaring*: *angry animation*

I know such charming people, don't I?

Don't you love the clean smell of betrayal?

I try to ignore you. It is easier that way, for both of us. Maybe if I had ignored you from the beginning, this never would've happened. But you were so...fresh. Fresh and new and exciting. I acted like a child with a shiny toy, and look where it got us.

Of course, my fascination with you soon turned to desperation. I needed you, but not because I liked you...I had no one else. You were the only one who accepted me. You'd think this would make us close, but...it didn't.

Even though I needed you, I was bored with you. Your shine had lost luster, and I sought something better, something new. Who could possibly expect me to not get bored with you after a while? Maybe that was where we fell apart, when I looked for someone else.

Then you were the one who started slipping away. I don't know if you got bored with me or you liked them more...but you never around. When I came over, you were always out, always doing something. This made me feel jealous, though it was petty and hypocritical. It wasn't long before I gave up and lost the desire to see you.

Still, we were friends, to a point. There were those wonderful days when you were free and I was free and we could be best friends again. They were numbered, though I refused to see it. I refused to see you changing right in front of me, turning into something I would hate if it were anyone else. I cherished each moment...till school started. The impossible happened...I found other people. These people were made to be my friends, I was sure. What were you, by comparison? A dirty old dish rag, used till it was frayed and unwanted. I started noticing things about you...how mean you were to your sisters, how ungrateful you were towards me, even after everything I had done for you. I was willing to ignore them, though. I was willing to keep you around. Maybe I was hoping that middle school would wash you out, so you could be new and clean again, and we could be best friends again. I don't know what possessed me to believe that.

You were never one to want fit in...you never had to try before, or at least you didn't think you did. You must've compared yourself to me, who had no one for so long, and thought you fit in like a puzzle piece. Now, though, I did fit in. I had friends and connections on the only place you saw me, on the bus. I knew people and places and terms and you didn't. How could you have thought I had risen above you on the popularity scale? You must've. But you took it too far. You tried copying off of the ones who you thought fit in perfectly, but that's not you. And then you started doing things to me that I allowed of other people...but you? You, who I managed to consider my best friend for so long, despite that fact that you clearly weren't? No. How could you not realize I'd never accept that?

So we're over. Finished. I can't stand the sight of you...how could you betray me so completely? How? I thought that, surely, I had earned some statis in your friend book. And then you blamed me! No. I'm not putting up with this any longer.

And yet I feel...free. Rid of the affliction that was your friendship. Lighter and, to be honest, happier. Your betrayal gave me what I craved from the beginning...something new and fresh. A clean start, away from you and your shortcomings.

You don't feel that way, do you? You feel like you've been thrown out, like I don't apprectiate you, when in truth it was you who didn't appreciate me. But don't try to act like none of this ever happened, like you still have power over me, like you still have the authority to bring me down, because I know you will. You gave up those privledges forever. You are not my oldest friend, you are my newest regret.

Goodbye.

It wasn't an accident, but I didn't mean to!

Oh my, I love new songs! If I could have a hundred free songs on iTunes or a hundred bars of choclate, I'd pick the chocolate. But it would be a tough choice.

Ha ha, just kidding. I got a new song though! Id Engager by Of Montreal. Go listen to it. NOW.

Right now I'm combing blogs I like for good songs. Some of them are creepy (sorry, guys :p), but most aren't.

It's Friday the 13th, so this entry probably won't save. Ha ha.

Now, since I'm in desperate need of filler, I will explain my story peice from yesterday: It starts out, as you can tell, with a girl who is leaving the only home she's ever known to go to a country called Parla, to live in one of the biggest cities, Dashe. She doesn't want to leave, but since both of her parents are dead and her cousin, a 17-year-old named Darine (also an orphan), is taking care of her, she has no choice.

The first chapter is an introduction to the girl's (Cylia, or Cyl for short) situation, and the boat ride to Parla. Darine managed to get fairly good tickets, since the captain of the ship was a close friend of her father, and the ship's more like a cruise liner than a transportation vessel. Cyl, trying to keep Darine happy, pretends she enjoys she boat. Eventually she is so upset about the whole thing she refuses to come out of her room, causing Darine to be equally upset. Darine tries to get Cyl to come out and do something with her, but Cyl runs away, right into a ball in the ship's ballroom.

Here she meets Enyn, son of the wealthy owner of the ship. When he asks her what's wrong she breaks down and tells him all about the move, her parent's death, Darine's strange behaviour since her parents died...everything. Enyn sympathizes with her and tries to cheer her up, resulting in a close friendship. Cyl and Darine spend about three weeks on the boat before arriving in Parla.

Cyl instantly hates the huge, bustling cities, and suspects Darine does too. But since her cousin is putting on a brave face, she decides to too. They take a train ride to Dashe and end up going to the wrong city, a much smaller place called Rink. They spend two days in Rink before taking a train to Dashe, and this time they make it to the right place. Darine leaves Cyl in their new apartment and goes off to her new job at a convenience store.

She spends one day, bored and alone, in the apartment before deciding to explore her new home. Making sure to avoid the slummier areas, she discovers an enormous bank, a theatre, a park, and an even bigger (than the bank) department store. Every day for three days she explores the park while Darine is at work, writing down what she sees in a notebook. On a third day Darine asks her to stop at the bank to cash a check, and Cyl sees Enyn with his father.

Enyn and Cyl quickly get into a conversation about their lives in Dashe. Apparently Enyn is just as miserable as Cyl, constantly being ignored by his father. They become best friends after two weeks of meeting in the park and talking. Cyl starts to have a crush on him. One day Enyn shows up at Cyl's apartment, and they hang out all afternoon. Unfortunately, they lose track of the time, and when Darine (who's never heard of Enyn) comes home, she throws a fit, throwing Enyn out of the house. It's the last Cyl sees of him.

PART TWO (this is a really loooong story):

It is four years later. Darine is now going to school and working at the department store at nights. Cyl is to be married to Jal Renio, a wealthy man who all but begged Darine to let her marry him. Cyl doesn't love him, but ever since Darine kicked Enyn out she's become emotionless and agrees with everything Darine says. Still Jal loves her, so married they will be, in a month from when Part 2 begins.

Soon, however, Cyl stops talking altogether, and Jal becomes seriously worried. One day he's taking her for a walk in the park, trying to get her to say something, when she sees something that makes her burst into an ear-to-ear smile. She runs up to a man and says, "Enyn! It's me! Cyl! Do you remember me?"

Enyn does remember her, and it's not long till he admits his love for her. This immediately ignites a rivalry between him and Jal, one which Cyl tries desperately to stop. After a week of quarrelling, Jal walks out, declaring he "can't marry someone who has a guard dog" (in their culture, he is calling Enyn someone who can't let go of their 'master', even when it makes no sense to do so). Darine is furious, and tried to force Enyn away from Cyl, but the couple runs away.

Part 3-

Enyn, a very pregnent Cyl, and their first child Dari (names after Cyl's cousin) return to Darine, who has worked herself to the bone (literally, when they find her she is starving and bone-thin) after Cyl left. Darine and Dari instantly become attached, and Darine and Cyl forgive each other soon after. Cyl convinces Darine to move back to Hayes (the town the lived in before) with her and her family, but a huge event soon prevents the trip. A doctor by the name of Kyt Koonam comes to them and the cousins instantly know he is Cyl's father. Unfortunately, he is very ill. They stay in Dashe with him till he dies, then leave for Hayes after the funeral.

The story ends with the child, a baby girl named Samria, being born.

WOOOOOAH THIS IS A LONG STORY. I'm probably going to change it. Eek, I got so caught up writing that, I forgot my original idea for the story. Oh well, it's not called The Burner anymore. It's called Cylia now...aren't I so original?

The Burner

The town seemed faded, empty, like it was already becoming something old and forgotten to me. I didn’t want that to happen. I wanted this place to be with me forever.
Hayes Hillshire was the perfect town. The buildings were beautiful, the weather was always pleasant, people rode backs instead of cars, the people were great, and they let nature slip into the town, so there were plenty of trees and flowers and wonderfulness. To the right was the Mountanis, the enormous mountain range that separated the coast from the mainland. Hayes was not really an ocean town, but it was close enough to the ocean to be called one. I looked out to the east, where the ocean was. By nightfall we would be crossing it, to Parla.
I didn’t want to leave.
Darine assured me Parla was a wonderful place, just as wonderful as Hayes. I couldn’t believe her. The section of Parla we were going to, a city called Dashe, was just that…a city. I had never been to a city before. The only places I had been besides Hayes were Montgem Hillshire and Pil Luda, to visit a doctor for my mother (little good it did), and my cousin. Both were countryside places quaint little towns with grass and trees. Most of Hillshire was, and the part of Luda closest to us was too.
Dashe, and most of Parla, was completely different. It was all city, all busyness, all noise. Darine had been there once before, on a trip with our father. She said it was very noisy, much too noisy, but now she told me it wasn’t so bad. When I quoted her description from before, she changed the subject, or just walked away.
The Darine I knew before would never do that. She would stay and battle it out with me. Darine had changed after the death of her parents.
Maybe it wasn’t just that, though. Maybe it was just the mountain of horrible things that made her change. It started when my mother died…we (my father and I) had heard of a doctor who might be able to help. We put all of our faith on that doctor. He couldn’t cure her.
Every year, my father took his brother’s family to Parla. He left me home because I was too young. That year nobody thought he would go, because of my mother. He still went though, by himself this time. He never returned.
That’s when my care was passed over to Darine and her parents. A month later they heard someone had found my father’s body. They went to Parla and were shot by thugs. Darine’s mother tried to get in the car and drive both her and her dying husband to a hospital, but he died before they made it. She was still in the car, trying fruitlessly to save him, when the truck came.
The people who told us hadn’t shared all the details with Darine, but I overheard them talking. I wish I hadn’t.
That was a couple months ago. Darine, to keep us both from orphanages in Luda, pretended to be an adult so she could take care of me. A week ago she announced we were moving to Parla, away from everything I had ever known.
I couldn’t understand it. The death of my parents and her parents had not affected me enough to make me want to leave the only home I’d ever known. But, since I was bound to Darine, I had no choice.

I thought you were my friend!

[Hurt--Christina Aguilera]

I said that to Nick, ha ha. My, I love that boy. Not the mushy way, of course. Ha ha, I'm gonna ask him to be my Valentine's. No way, just kidding. I let Nat ask. I'll just text him "Happy Valentine's Day" and see how he responds.

I wrote another poem for LA, but it's majorly bad. I'm ashamed to look at it. I think I'm just gonna scribble the whole thing out from my notebook. Or rip the page out. That could work too.

We decorated Nat's locket today! Ha ha, happy birthday Nat! SHE GOT AN IPOD. Yay. Sorry if I spoiled any surprise there...

We gotta hang out over the weekend.

THE BUS WAS SO FUN! Gem, Melissa, Naj, Bruce, and Nick all teamed up to steal my gloves/pencil case. Major awesomeness. Well, not for me.

[The Pretender--Foo Fighters]

Then Nick shoved my glove down his pants.

I don't wanna talk about it, okay?

He was being a perv still, once we stopped with the glove thing. It was...disturbing. Ew, Nat just said...I don't want to say it. She can post it if she wants.

I love this song (the one I'm listening to)...I'm the voice inside your head you refuse to hear. I'm the face that you have to face mirrored in your stare. I'm what's left, I'm what's right, I'm the enemy. I'm the hand that will take you down, bring you to your knees. So who are you?

Awesomeness.

Listen to it now or be deprived FOREVER MORE!

Mmm...cherry pie and soda!

Go to Cloudy for the full story :D This is the whole thing, no deviation from the original.

I hate you. I hate you so much. The hate wells up inside me, bringing burning, painful tears to my eyes. I don't hold them back.

It was not because I could not go on the computer that I was crying. How vain. How stupid and shallow. No, it was because no matter how hard I tried, bad things always surrounded me. There was too much to handle. And finally, finally, something good had happened, and she ripped it away.

My mom I did not hate, though. I hated the messy-haired, blue-eyed girl in the mirror, with the blotchy face wet from tears, and the puffy lips from sobbing, and the aching foot from kicking the heater and screaming.

This was who I was. This monster, the aberration, who could only become human again through scrawled words on a blank page.

The argument I knew would never happen formed in my head. Why should I take responsibility for what you want done? I don't care enough for it to be my fight. I was curious, that's all, and upset, and you saw anger. I don't want to be this, though. I don't want to be one of those students whose parents e-mail the teachers because they didn't get the grade they wanted. You care, not me. Don't drag me into this. I don't care. I don't care.

I need to get away from the trembling monster in the mirror. I stumble, blinded from tears, to my backpack, ripping the book away from the top to get my journal. It is too late by the time I hear the ripping sound and the book is in two pieces. A strangeled cry escapes my throat. Another thing is going wrong. I am tempted to go downstairs and through it at you, but I know I won't. That will not vent my fury, my resentment. Throwing the book to the side, I open my notebook to a clean page and dig through my pencil case till I have my favorite pen.

I write.

The anger rushes from my heart to the page, transforming the words into the past few minutes. I feel my breathing steady and other thoughts enter my head...I should be doing my homework. Will I get my phone back? Oh no...I forgot to mention how I furiously brushed my hair because I hated looking at the wild mane. Should I revise, or keep my moment unpolluted?

I take a deep breath and look at the ceiling. My eyes sting. I know I'm not angry anymore, but my pen won't leave the page. This entire moment must be captured. I cannot rest till it is complete.

With a sigh, I look at the clock. Has it been an hour since I got home? Impossible. Ugh, you don't know anything about my school. You think because you're an adult you know better than me in everything, but you don't. I know this. I know you are wrong.

My moment is over. I can feel it. But this is no longer hell, this is heaven. Golden afternoon light mizes with shadow around my room, and I am comfortably rested on the floor with my back against my bed. The words come easily to me as I write. My head is still heavy from sobbing and my eyes sting a little.

For me, this is heaven.

- - - -

Yes, I know this could use work to make it really good, but I didn't write it to publish it (make it better than the original version), I wrote it so I could get rid of my anger. I realize it's a little confusing in some places, but this is exactly what I was thinking then. You can comment if you have a question :)

Bally is going down.

So, I'm mad. Why, you ask? Because, I was aiming for straight eyes this year, but because of Bally (my LA teacher), I got straight As and a B. I have no idea how I got a B. It's so unfair. I don't get iTunes gift cards for Bs.

Art: A Comments: mantains consistent effort

Math: A- Comments: good progress, positively utilizes reassessment oppurtunities, follows expectations consistently, respectful to teachers/peers

French: A Comments: good progress, follows expectations consistently, works well independently

Humanities: A Comments: excellent progress, mantains consistent effort

Music: A Comments: good progress

P.E.: A Comments: good progress

Science: A+ Comments: superior progress, interested and eager to learn, respectful to teachers/peers

LANGUAGE A: B!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Comments: WORKS BELOW CAPABILITES, interested and eager to learn, respectful to teachers/peers

Yeah, okay, Bally. Let's see how "interested and eager to learn" I am now. I won't even get into respect. You've lost all my "respect".

Okay, so I'm overreacting, but I'm not the only one who got a B when they should've gotten an A. I'm not the only one who's freaking pissed.

Seriously, how can she give me two nice, generic comments right after WORKS BELOW CAPABILITIES. You don't know anything about my capabilites, Bally. You have no idea what I could do if you let me. But no, we're all stuck doing Better Answers. Seriously, when do you use Better Answers in real life? What profession could that help you in? If you're boss asks you, "Why were you late to work on Thursday?", you're not gonna say, "I was late to work on Thursday for many reasons. One of the reasons is I stayed up late drinking at a party. Another reason is because I got into a car accident when I was driving home, drunk, with your daughter. This makes me feel bad because I know you're going to fire me once you get back from the hospital from a ruptured blood vessel. That is why I was late on Thursday."

ARGH!!!!! Lolo agrees with me. Thank you, Lolo.

Okay, so I'm exaggerating just a tiny bit, but that's the basis of Better Answers...restate, gist, list, react, conclude. Bah. Oops, I forgot to add in three quotes, two integrated vocab words, and eight sentences. My bad. *insert sarcasm*

And what's worse is, they change it every year. It started out like that in third grade. They added the "react" last year. They added all the criteria this year. Seriously, find something and stick with it. Or better yet, teach us the last level from the beginning. Don't teach us something and then the next year say, "Oh, sorry, you have to do something else now! Sorry! You lose ten points for every day this is late!" Bally actually did say that on our current project, too. I missed class on Friday, but if I didn't, I would have a 90 in that project. Niiiiiice, Bally. Just fail us all now, why don't you?

Teach us something that could actually COME IN HANDY. Or is that a foreign topic to you? Reading scholastic (not classics or Shakespeare or anything, you know, intelligent) and writing Better Answers for every sentence isn't gonna help us in the real world. You don't get promoted for reading comprehension. Reading is a wonderful way to broaden your mind, but not with crappy books like Code Orange or Drums, Girls, and Dangerous Pie. How about Wuthering Heights, Jane Eyre, The Inferno, Pride and Prejudice, or anything classic and written by brilliant people (not Twilight or Harry Potter). Hey, how about we study SHAKESPEARE? Yeah, maybe most people won't understand any of those, but maybe those people weren't taught to because all they do is read sissy books and answer Better Answers all day.

No offense to the two books mentioned, I do enjoy them, but they aren't gonna make me any smarter than I was before.

Wow, I'm mad. I suppose it's not fair, because I only got mad about this after I got a B, but I would've realized it eventually. Agh. Deep breathes...