Sunday, January 31, 2010

Tell me you love me--it's all I wanna hear.

Okay, so, I am SO glad iTunes suggested this band. They're AMAZING! And seriously, the lead singer is soooooo gorgeous. Oh my.
Bah. Another boring Sunday all by myself. HEY, FRIENDS. FEEL FREE TO INVITE ME SOMEWHERE! REALLY, I DON'T MIND!

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Holy flying fish-paste!


This is like J.K.Rowling commenting on SILVER'S blog!

Yes, I'm aware this is my third post today. BUT I'M HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Help, I'm alive.

I really, really wish I could post a picture of myself. Not so creepy stalker-pedophiles can drool over my gorgeous face, but because I put on makeup and I actually don't look like a clown. Only minimal clown-like-ness today! And I'm kinda proud of myself now. And Nat thinks I should dye my hair red. Lol.
And that's all I have to say. I'm only blogging because I'm bored. COMMENT.
Oh, and thanks to the commenter from the previous post who's profile I cannot access, and who I consequently cannot respond to. Your comment made me smile.

I never really gave up on breaking out of this two-star town.

So, this line really stuck with me. I've spent my entire life in New Jersey (and no, I do not say 'Joisey' or 'wudder', thank you). I don't vacation much. And my dream college is Princeton, which, shocker, is still in New Jersey. Don't most teenage girls dream of escaping their small town (or small state, I guess you could say)? Aren't most teenage girls desperate to escape and see the world, see new things, experience everything? But honestly, I've always been too nostalgic; I don't want to leave everything I've ever known, even if it's better somewhere else.
So, thank you, The Killers, how very little I just want to fly away. Not that I didn't know that before, of course. But now I'm blogging about it.
My favorite Killers song, by the way: Somebody Told Me.

Okay, so I, like, desperately want to write, but I really have no inspiration for anything. Everything just seems so shallow, you know? I can't get the meaning right, or the feeling, or the thought. I mean, heck, all I do is think, but I can never translate them into words on paper. I want someone to, when they finish my book, set it down and just say "Wow." I want it to actually affect them. When I read a Clique book (out of the incredibly poorly-written, shallow series--and don't ask why I was reading it), it didn't make me think about it afterwards. I wasn't moved. I wasn't lost in thought or emotion. But when I read Shiver or How to Say Goodbye in Robot, it was all I could think about for days. And I don't think--no matter how good people say I am--that I'm that good of a writer.
And I can't just compromise everything and crank out some so-so story to make a quick buck. It's never been about money anyway (though apparently it is to my parents). I'm too much of a perfectionist. I'm too critical. I care too much about what people think. I could write some shallow, thoughtless story and be all published and maybe even get some fame, but it just wouldn't be me--to do so I'd literally have to compromise everything I'm about.
I just wish I could find the right story.
And the right meaning.

Friday, January 29, 2010

The way she feels....

Well! After failing to make me buy a crapload of new songs LAST time, iTunes has resorted to cranking out a bunch of emo-screamer songs for my listening entertainment. Bah. If only these songs were actually GOOD. I'm already on the fourth song and it all sucks so far. iTunes really has to step up it's game if it wants to keep me from switching to something cheaper and more convenient, like Rhapsody. Speaking of which, I want a Rhapsody. Now.
  • You Make It Real by James Morrison
  • One Thousand Apologies by Demon Hunter
  • Ambrosia by Alesana
  • The Way She Feels by Between the Trees
  • Set the World on Fire by Symphony X
  • Time to Dance by Panic! at the Disco
  • 4 Minutes by Avant
  • Blueside by Rooney
  • Sunday Bloody Sunday by Pillar
  • Help, I'm Alive by Metric
  • Vanished by Crystal Castles
  • Russia Privjet by Basshunter
  • Booty Dew by GS Boyz
Fail, iTunes. Fail.

Yeah, we're going down.

Well. Darn. According to the High School Meast councelor, if we really want to get into an Ivy League college, we better take all honors, get all As, and be super-involved in the school. Um, what? NOOOOOO! In that case, there's no way I'm getting into Princeton, my dream school. But, really, why would I take Honors Science when I'm not planning on a career in science, or anything remotely related to it? I'm a writer, not a physician!
And another thing: I want to take about eleven classes, including electives. But, OH SNAP, there's only eight slots!!! OH, JOY!!! Fudgles. And I haven't even tallied up credits yet. And I really, really don't know what to do. I don't want to sacrifice anything, you know? But I have to fo some stupid reason. There goes psychology and any art classes I might've once dreamed of taking. Bah! Stupid one-space-for-an-elective schedule.
Anyway, in high school, I'm really hoping there will be SOMEONE, at least ONE person, who will take my mind off Basil, hopefully for good. I'm so sick of him, so sick of everything in general. I'm just bored. And I do stupid things when I'm bored.

Anyhoos! Apparently Basil thinks*knows* I stare at him at lunch. Okay, first of all, I do NOT stare, I GLANCE OCCASIONALLY. Second of all: GAR! HE THINKS I'M A PSYCHOTIC STALKER FREAK!!
One day, I'm just going to completely lose it and flip out. Like, beware. I will probably have a few choice words for SOME people.
I am right now shaking with hunger, which is ridiculous, because I packed my own lunch today!!!
And I just ran out of things to say. Comment? Bah, I'm begging, but deal. Comment NOW!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Lords of October

Tell me, is that not the coolest name for a book EVER? Unfortunately, I can't decide on a story. The main character is a seventeen-year-old girl named Carter, but besides that I don't have many details. In the original story, she saw the world through her video camera, and watched her life go to hell with Alex, a quiet kid who no one ever talks to. Unfortunately, that story is too much like How to Say Goodbye in Robot (one of my favorite books, by the way), and I don't like it that much anyway. So in this new version, she and her younger brother, Alex, are kidnapped and made into soldiers. Yes, this is in the future, yes, it's in America, and yes, I know it's messed up, but I'm a little short on ideas and I need something that matches the awesomeness of the title. Suggestions?

I need to finish these books:
  1. Captivate by Carrie Jones
  2. Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac by Gabrielle Zevin
  3. Beautiful Creatures by Kami Garcia
  4. All Unquiet Things by Anna Jarzab
See? Four books. Three of which I haven't officially started yet, one of which I'm in the middle of but has been missing from Barnes and Noble for AGES.

Imma change the layout of my blog. Suggestions?

It could be wrong, could be wrong, but it should've been right.

I don't know why, but I seriously love that line.
I feel like I should mention that today in humanities, Daniel said the State of the Union speech last night was epic, and I completely and totally agree. That boy is adorable *sighs*
[Carry Out--Timbaland]
Well! Today was just as boring as every single other freaking day this entire day. It's been practically TWO WEEKS since anything of even mild interest (read: anything involving Basil) has happened. Except I zapped Happy, and she, expecting it to be Catman, looked. HAHA, HAPPY. It was Basil. Yes, I'm bad.
So in LA, she was making a big deal about it (cuz she was mad I didn't write Catman, lol) and Gross asked what she was asking Basil. So he asked her/me if she was asking him if he liked me. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
I responded with: "Huh, well, that's not really a question, now is it?" And he kinda nodded in agreement. Bah, I don't like Gross. And I don't like that he'd actually think I'm stupid enough to NOT know Basil hates me.
[Colorado Sunrise--3OH!3]
Anyway, then Happy asks him out (delcaring quite loudly that I zapped her), and we all laughed, and he said no.
OH MY GOD. We had pacers today (a.k.a. the most unGodly thing ever devised for school). We needed 23 to pass. Last time I got 24. And this time? A FREAKING 20. I'm not even going to try to explain this, because honestly, I'm sick of it. But it means I have to do an activity log, which is stupid because the only activity I get is gym and walking to the bus stop every day.
I give up.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Love is our resistance.

[The Resistance--Muse]
Okay, so it's really hard to type, because yesterday I got an inch-long cut (out of nowhere!) on my index finger, right on the crease (I couldn't bend my finger!). It was pretty invisible, but today it turned red and started hurting a lot, and my mom thought it might be infected, so now I have a massive bandage on it, because all of the bandaids were too small for it (because it's an INCH long!!!). Thus, it is hard to type.
This song I'm listening to right now is my new favorite song.
Sorry for being such a bad blogger and not bloggi or responding to comments! I've just been kinda out of it. And I spent the entire afternoon yesterday working on ILP, which I finished on the bus this morning. But still. I could've made time!
I just washed my hands without getting water on my band-aid. WHAT NOW. But I'm probably gonna take it off, because the aintibiotics cream I put on feels icky now. That's a shame, because it took me SO LONG to get it on my finger.
And now my cut doesn't hurt! Hurrah.
Anyway. Did you know that me, Nat, and Catman were grouped together for a humanities project? That's almost as good as the me-Nat-Lolo-Moo combo of sixth grade. But anyway. Catman does not like Kim, he hates me, I think he's annoying and awesome at the same time, and he wouldn't change "crowds" back to "masses" EVEN THOUGH IT SOUNDS BETTER, and finally changed it to "masses of crowds", which is just gay.
Apple chips are good.
Ohhhhhh, and the sleepover at Kim's was fun, even though Silver coudln't go. I don't have much to say about it, actually, but I feel I shoudld mention it. Ya know?
I would like to point out that Elaina (previously known as Paula, aka the object of Basil's affection) has rejected him on Facebook five times, a fact that makes me incredibly happy :)
Comment! Comment, now, before you finish reading!

Friday, January 22, 2010

I can live without you but without I'd be miserable at best.

iTunes suggestions! Yay for Genius! It took me forever to find it and there were a lot of repeats (especially from Rent and Les Mis) but here ya go:
  1. Empty Room by Marjorie Fair
  2. Miserable At Best by Mayday Parade
  3. Falling Inside the Black by Skillet
  4. The Ocean by Mae
  5. Dollhouse by Priscilla Renea
  6. Whataya Want From Me by Adam Lambert
  7. It's Okay (One Blood) by The Game
  8. Bruised by Jack's Mannequin
  9. Black Mirror by Arcade Fire
  10. Carry Out by Timbaland
  11. All It Takes For Your Dreams to Come True by A Skylit Drive
  12. I Look So Good (Without You) by Jessie James
  13. Let's Ride by The Game
  14. Forest Whitaker by Brother Ali
  15. Six Feet Under the Stars by All Time Low
  16. Decadence by Disturbed
  17. Colorado Sunrise by 3OH!3
  18. Fireproof by Pillar
  19. I Am For You by Waking Ashland
I love how 11 of them are from bands I've never heard of. Oh well, Genius has always worked out pretty well in the past. Wish me luck?

Have a wonderful day.

"Have a wonderful weekend," the announcement-lady said, and it got me thinking. There's no way she cares that all 800 kids in my school actually have a wonderful weekend. Either she's saying it for conventionality or she's all crazy-caring and stuff...and I'm inclined to go with the former. That being said, I wonder why people bother to say it. Well, I know why, to be kind. Act like you care and all that. But when someone says "Have a nice day!" they really could care less if you have a nice day. And when you say "You too!", you're only saying it because they say it first. Here's an idea: only say "Have a nice day" if you're willing to actually hear about someone's day later.
But I digress, even though I've been talking about this since I started. What I originally thought was: I'm a liar. Well, maybe not a liar, but I don't listen very well. Hardly ever do I have a "wonderful" weekend or even a wonderful day. I suppose I could have a so-so day, or an interesting day, but really, when do I even have a nice day? If someone bothers to tell me to have a wonderul day, then I better go out of my way to make it wonderful. I mean, it's not like they're actually handing you a wonderful day. You have to make one yourself!
[All The Right Moves--OneRepublic]
So today, some obnoxious seventh graders took the table we sit in EVERY DAY, and we had to sit in the table they sit in EVERY DAY. I was not amused. Not amused at all.
[You and Me--Lifehouse]
Oh, and Basil occupied my thoughts pretty much the entire day. I barely went a minute without thinking about him. Just thought you'd like to know.
I really ought to go respond to the ONE comment Ali left for me, but alas, I don't want to. I'm too lazy, you see.
I need to pull something out of a hat and finish ILP, which sucked in so many ways this year.
Oh, and I'm having a sleepover at Kim's house with Kim and Silver tomorrow!! :D

Thursday, January 21, 2010

And there's and me, and all of the people. And I don't know why, but I can't keep my eyes off of you.

[You and Me--Lifehouse]

Basil freaking pushed me!

You see, I was standing kinda in the middle of the hallway talking to Silver, when he walks by me and actually puts his hand on my arm and pushes me to the side!


Gah. So mad.

Ooooh, and in Art, we're making sculptures! I'm making a couple dancing in a moonlit courtyard :) Cuz I'm all romantic like that.

I typed that last sentence with one hand. Boo-yah.

OOOOOH AND THIS IS MY 300TH POST! I can't believe I missed it. It's insane...a year to get to 100 and a couple months to get to 300. But I feel like I've acclompished something. Like I'm a fully-cerified, all-the-bells-and-whistles Blogger.

By the way, click on the picture in the last post to enlarge it. It's my most frequently used words :) Basil is NOT the most used word. Heck, I even use "Kim" more than Basil!

Basil is not the most frequent word. "Know", "even", and "oh" where. SO THERE.

Wordle: Untitled

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I can't keep up, and I can't back down...I've been losing so much time.

Cuz there's you and me, and all of the people with nothing to do, nothing to lose. And it's you and me, with all of the people and I don't know why, but I can't keep my eyes off of you.
I love this song. It just kinda stuck with me, ya know? Nothing to do, nothing to lose, nothing to prove. That part really, just....I feel like I can relate it. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being melodramatic.
I really have nothing to blog about. I just feel like I should, to make up for two weeks of not (even though those two weeks were NOT my fault!!). Um, well, we did pretty much nothing in school except listen to people sing and take two tests. Humm. I dunno.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I couldn't stop laughing, no I just couldn't help myself. See, you messed up my mental health. I was quite unwell.

Refer to the last post if you're wondering what I've been up to in the last two weeks!
Oh! Where do I even begin? Maybe by saying that Major Tom is an awesome song and the version I have is by Shiny Toy Guns, but it's not the original version. You should go listen to it. It's sad and pop-y at the same time.
Well! Today. Where do I begin? Debate club was today. The topic was: is dating in middle school acceptable? Now, I think it is, but we kinda became the con group ("we" being Lolo, Kim, Vorn, and myself). Oh well; it was fun. And our argument was really good, but it ended up being a tie! A TIE! But it was still really fun, even though there were a total of nine people until Basil showed up (he was at Running Running Club.) He joined the other group with Apple AND was being a jerk. One of my arguments was a conversation I overheard in FIFTH GRADE, with one boy telling another boy that if his girlfriend of three months hadn't kissed him yet, he should just break up with her. And then BASIL said, "I don't want to make this a personal argument or anything, but we're talking about MIDDLE SCHOOL, not fifth-graders." (actually, he said something else, but this is all I can And he didn't even look at me (we were behind him). He just kinda looked to the side. That asshole.
But hanging out with Vorn was cool. And Kim and Lolo, of course.
Now that I FINALLY have Internet back I really wanna IM someone, but NO ONE is on. Fail. Failfailfail.
Oh, and because I promised, my favorite subjects in a vague semblance of order: writing, psychology, philosophy/religion, dreams, books, foreign policy, words that rhyme with/sound like molicy, revolutionarism, history, tutoring inept 7th graders who sit next to me in math, photography, complex math, drawing, fashion designs, interior decorating, gardening, animals, and science. Note: I'm interested in all of these. I'm just interested in writing a wee bit more than science.
Also! Career thoughts: teacher (meh.), editor, bookstore owner, senator (don't ask. just don't ask.), or film maker. Well, those and revolutionary, but that's not exactly set in stone, now is it?
I'm glad Basil wasn't around when I made a speech on how dating, liking people, guys, being rejected, and breaking up seriously mess up your mental health.
Oh, and another note: I've been wanting to put up those lyrics as a title since I heard the song, and I FINALLY remembered! They're just so perfect, you see, because I am a maniacal/random giggler, and it's usually prompted by he-who-must-not-be-named. So, YAY!
I feel like I should mention that the mall with Silver was very fun, and I'm going to completely remake my image in high school OR ELSE.
Ah! I should mention high school. Now begins the faze where we start thinking about high school and coming up with our schedules. And I'm faced with a dilemma: take the harder Honors classes even though really all it is is more work, or swallow my pride and go with AP? Shucks, I don't know. I know which one will make me feel better (about myself, lol) but I don't want to be swamped with work.
And yet, I'm not going to go work on that. I'm going to sit in front of the computer in a dark room and refresh the page every five minutes to see if anyone commented.
HAHA, NO! Actually, I'm going to go read everyone's blog. WELCOME BACK TO ME, AND HELLO!

EDIT: I'm currently in the middle of three books:
  1. Need by Carrie Jones
  2. Beautiful Creatures by Kami Garcia and Margeret Stohl
  3. Peaches by Jodi Lynn Anderson
AND I'm having a delicious enchilada thing for dinner.
AND my dad starting talking to this writer-lady, and she gave me a present: a magazine called Teen Voices. And on the envolope it came in:
For our conversation, please tell your daughter to rock on at whatever she chooses and writer's are the best.
Haha! And now my dad wants me to print out a 60-page story to show to her. Meehee :)

Now you're messing with my mind.

I cannot even begin.

Dear Diary,

Happy New Year?
I keep trying to convince myself to like someone else, but it just isn't happening. Sure, I like Apple, but seeing his face isn't the same as seeing Basil's. There's no excitement. It's the same with Daniel, even though that boy is adorable as heck. I don't, ya know, long to see his face.
Oh! The internet's out, so I guess I have to write about my day in here. Debate club was pretty awesome. Did you know global warming is not caused by people, but by a powerful goddess named Riki-tiki-schmiki-wiki who has a fever? And we must appease her might by interpretive dance? Yeah, we lost, but it was worth it. Oh, and I indirectly called Basil selfish. Ch'yea. The tables have turned?
Anywho! In French, Aaron was bugging me instad of paying attention, so Mrs. Newman told him to pay attention even though I was "prettier to look at" then her. Haha, ch'yea. Way to go, Mrs. Newman, for boosting my self-esteem!
My hands smell like a gingerbread latte.
That is all.
Strawberry Shortcake

Dear Diary,

He told Kim in science I lost whatever chance I had with him in debate club yesterday. This made both Silver and me crack up, naturally. It's not like I had a chance with him anyway. And then Kim tells me she thought I might've, because he talks about me so much (though she wouldn't tell me what he says). And now I feel...weird. Not angry, not sad, no happy. Just...misplaced. I'm listening to Linkin Park but it doesn't seem right. Untouched by The Veronicas is a little better, but too...there.
I can't say I'm particularly unhappy right now.
But he talks about me a lot??? Oh, God, what I wouldn't give to see into that boy's mind.
Heavy psycho-metal rock is a bit better.
Strawberry Shortcake

Dear Diary,

On Friday he asked Kim if I was going to the Valentine's/Graduation (not sure which) dance. She said she didn't know. Then he asked her if she asked me what happened in debate. When she told him I thought it was worth it, he rolled his eyes.
I guess it's not that interesting, but I am pretty curious now.
I'm dreading school tomorrow. What if something happens with him? Or worse, what if something doesn't?
Strawberry Shortcake

Dear Diary,

Nothing gappened yesterday, and I feel like all the suspense was for nothing.
But today! Oh, today. So, in lunch, I calculated the total amount of time I've "officially" liked Basil: one year, eleven months, and a day. I made the mistake of stating this observation out loud. And Kim thought it'd be hilarious to tell Basil this.
He then proceeds to ask her if I know his address.
She, being a cold-hearted bi-yatch, tells him: "Yeah, well, it's in the directory, isn't it?"
To which he replies: "Oh shoot."
DAMMIT! I have never once even wanted to know where he lives. Now he thinks I'm even more of a psychotic stalker. As if he needed another reason to hate me.
Silver says we should tell him it's not true tomorrow, but I know I'm going to chicken out.
Oh, and on the bus I started crying. Like, I dunno. I was just sick of everyone being mean. And I just teared up and cried. Only Aaron, Gem, and Nate noticed.
Oh! And actually, something did happen yesterday, but Ani and Silver didn't see fit to tell me. They're in French, and Basil comes up to them and asks if I still like him. Then Ani says either I say I'm over him or I'm trying to get over him, one of which is humiliating and one of which is not true, and then he and Gross laugh. And Gross calls me a loser, or something. I hate Gross.
Heh. I wonder what my handwiting says about my mood.
Strawberry Shortcake

Dear Diary,

Well, I chickened out. Just think, in a month it'll be our two-year anniversary.
And Kim's mad at me for something stupid.
Kim: Where is everybody? There's only FOUR people here.
Me: *gives Kim pointed look; knows she's not counting me on purpose*
Kim: We don't count you...
Me: Uh, it's not funny if I know what you're going to say.
Kim: Well, it wasn't for your amusement.
Me: Um, no one else is laughing.
It was true! No one was even paying attention. Really, though, am I supposed to laugh at my own insult? It wasn't even clever. I mean, this stuff doesn't even bother me anymore. But really? Way to be a childish bi-yatch. Especially since she got upset and moved to anothet table because I "said she wasn't funny."
HOWEVER, Ani did invite me to sit in Kim's open seat, and we got talking with Melissa, and we MIGHT be going to the mall on Monday. So, I dunno. Yay?
I seriously need a change of scenery. Just new faces. Something new to think about.It's been the same crap since seventh grade. And Happy won't be there. Happy, who I can tell anything to! She'll be in Florida, of all places! Then she's joining the Navy and I probably won't see he for years on end.
How depressing.
*at this point I go into a long tirade about my plans for the future, and the only truly interesting part is when I list my favorite subjects, in a vague semblance of order. I'll mention these in the next post*
Strawberry Shortcake

Dear Diary,

Well! Indeed, I hate shopping with my mom. She takes FOREVER to get through 15 minutes worth of shopping, she buys a bunch of stuff we don't need (like ice cream), and she'll buy something just because it's on sale. I, on the other hand, will get what I need and get out. Because I don't like spending an hour in a grocery store, even one as cool as Wegman's. And, in case you weren't sure, being in a grocery store sucks when you're hungry.
Today I ate: a small bowl of cereal, a cheese-covered breadstick, old mashed potatoes with cheese, a can of Coke, a glass of orange juice, a bag of Cool Ranched Doritos, two mini-cupcakes, a PB-and-J, and a Mountain Dew. Fail. I swear on all that is holy, I'm not anorexic (this all is actually a lot less than it sounds like).
OH MY GOD. Stalker sat at our table. That freaking retard psychopath sat at OUR table and made Ani sit at a different table. Apparently his loser seventh grade tablemates kicked him out and now, since he has a crush on Silver, he thought it'd be acceptable to sit at OUR table. That idiot doesn't have a chance.
I hate Ryan.
I hate it when people I hate try to talk to me and expect me to be nice.
And I especially hate it when I try to tell smeone something and they give the same inane advice over and OVER again even though I'm making it terribly clear that they're wrong and I don't want their advice anyway. MOM AND DAD.
Strawberry Shortcake

Dear Diary,

I didn't get the chance to exact my revenge roday, but oh well. Maybe Tuesday.
I'm going to the mall on Monday with Silver!
Basil makes me sad.
And if I'm going to stay in Paris for any length of time, I'll need a job. But what?
Strawberry Shortcake

Thursday, January 7, 2010

by Edgar Allan Poe

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea:
But we loved with a love that was more than love -
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her high-born kinsmen came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me -
Yes! that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud one night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we -
Of many far wiser than we -
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling -my darling -my life and my bride,
In the sepulchre there by the sea -
In her tomb by the sounding sea.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

I was bored.

I saw you from a distance, through the ever-shifting crowd
and then I knew what love was
when before, I paid no mind.

You were talking to a stranger
and I went up to you and said,
“I know I am a stranger,
and I know that we just met…

“But I do believe I love you
and I think I’d die of joy,
if you said that you’d be mine;
be my lover, be my boy!”

You smiled at me kindly,
held my hand and then you said,
“My darling, I will love you
till we both are dead.”

And I know we could be so amazing, and being in your life is going to change me, and now I can see every single possibility.

And someday I know it'll all turn out...I work to work it out. Promise you, kid, I give more than I get....ooh, you know it'll all turn out, and you'll make me work so you work to work it out. And promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get. Yeah, I just haven't met you yet.
Haha. I love this song. It's very cheerful. BUT I HAVE NO ITUNES MONEY.
I FINALLY saw Avatar today, and it was fairly awesome. The storyline was a little old (think Pocahontas or Dances with Wolves) and predictable, but the visuals were INCREDIBLE. I would so live on Pandora. In an instant.
So. I've been thinking. Well, actually, I read Nat's blog. And Nat, I'm hurt that you didn't include me, especially since I have a new video camera that needs used in the worst way. But I've been thinking that our school should have a movie contest for the end of the year and the best movie wins. Because I want to take a video of something. NAT.
I loved Shiver. For the last two chapters, I was gaping at the book, refusing to believe it, shocked that all this had happened, my heart breaking because it hurt so much. And then I read the last three paragraphs, and I started sobbing--tears of joy, mind you. Tears of impossible joy. Yes, I made a scene, but my God, it was amazing. I instantly bought the book...and now I need to find it again, because it's been missing for awhile, and I'm pissed. Nat, thank you for reminding me how amazing it was/is.
Look at the summary for the next book!!
In Maggie Stiefvater's Shiver, Grace and Sam found each other. Now, in Linger, they must fight to be together. For Grace, this means defying her parents and keeping a very dangerous secret about her own well-being. For Sam, this means grappling with his werewolf past . . . and figuring out a way to survive into the future. Add into the mix a new wolf named Cole, whose own past has the potential to destroy the whole pack. And Isabelle, who already lost her brother to the wolves . . . and is nonetheless drawn to Cole. At turns harrowing and euphoric, Linger is a spellbinding love story that explores both sides of love -- the light and the dark, the warm and the cold -- in a way you will never forget.

My God. I have something to live for again :P
What are you excited about?

Okay, so I don't like it too much. What think you?

Josh didn't turn, and when he spoke, there was no inflection. "What are you doing here, Alan?"
How could he be so calm, when all around me the world was crashing? Choking sobs heaved out of me; I couldn't take my eyes off of Alan. One thought kept running through my mind: he was here. He had followed me and he was here. He left that ditzy, cheerful Barbie doll and he was here.
"Maria," he whispered, overcome with emotion. "Maria."
Josh whirled around suddenly, face livid, eyes fuming. "What are you doing here, Alan?! Why can't you just leave her alone?!"
Alan stared at him as if he'd never seen him before, then spoke with almost childlike surprise. "What are you doing here?"
"Helping her find you!" he shouted, still livid. "What did you--?"
And both men turned to me, at once as hurt and betrayed as I still was.
I leapt up, trying to see past the constant tears. "Josh, please, I have a name. I'm not 'her'."
Neither men said anything.
Oh, God, what was this? How could this have happened? Alan was here, but what for? To apologize? He was engaged to that Barbie. And Josh......if Josh really loved me, why would he help me find Alan?
Josh loved me.
I stumbled back, falling back onto the couch in surprise. Josh loved me. It couldn't be. I'd only ever loved and been loved by one man...but Josh loved me. When did that happen? When between the newspaper articles and computer searches did that happen?
"Maria," but I couldn't tell who spoke. Everything swam together--Josh loved me. But I loved Alan. And Alan was here.
"No," I whimpered, and then the world went black.
* * *
He should've known that she would never stop loving him. He should've known....after all, if she didn't give up on him after seven years, why would she give up on him just because he had a girlfriend? But he didn't just have a girlfriend, the voice inside his head screamed. He was engaged.
Any normal person would give up by this point.
But then, maybe she'd already given up. Maybe it just didn't matter. Maybe she would always love him no matter what he was, engaged or otherwise. The thought made a sick feeling arise in Josh's stomach.
Alan paced the room, occasionally stopping and staring at Maria, who was spread out on the couch like a sleeping angel. And it occured to Josh that she had loved him before that day, too; before the day when he disappeared. She loved him for over a decade, and Alan had loved her for seven years, and he'd loved her for a month.
By normal standars, Alan had a claim to her that Josh would never have.
Why couldn't she have fallen in love with him all those years ago?
But it wasn't like he didn't love her in school. He'd always wanted to ask her out, even just talk to her, but social boundaries and Alan, who either loved her or hated her, kept them apart. And when they both went off to college, he made himself forget about her because it wouldn't do any good to think every day about someone he'd never seen again. Why couldn't she do the same?
"Spill it, Markeson," Alan hissed suddenly. "What are you doing with her?"
"Helping her find you," Josh said cruelly. "You still don't listen very well, do you?"
"I see how you look at her," Alan said with deadly calmness. "I'm telling you--"
"You're engaged, you son of a bitch."
Alan was quiet for a long moment, then said, hesitatingly: "Not anymore."
"You're more of an asshole than I thought."
"I can't be with her anymore."
Josh paused, then did something he'd hate himself for forever.
"She doesn't love you anymore."
Alan raised an eyebrow. "I'm supposed to believe you?"
"Listen, Mason. You don't know her like I do. I--"
"At the risk of sounded conceited, Markeson," Alan sneered cruelly. "I am 100% sure she still loves me."
Josh just shook his head.
Alan faltered suddenly.
"You didn't see her face," he whispered. "It was obvious..."
"Do you know what she was yelling when I brought her inside?"
Alan said nothing.
"'I hate him, I hate him...'"
"Shut up."
"Would you forgive yourself, if you were in her place?"
Alan as quiet, staring at Maria, then abruptly turned.
"I can't leave her. I finally found her again."
Josh forced himself to dismiss the pain on his old friend's face and barrelled on. "She doesn't want you to stay, Alan."
He gaped at him for at least a minute, then turned and walked out the door.
* * *
When I woke up, Josh was standing over me, and I could tell instantly that Alan was no longer in the room.
"Where is he?" I demanded hysterically. "Where is he?!"
Josh bit his lip. "I'm...I'm sorry Maria. He left."
"Why?" Did my voice sound as pathetically childlike as it sounded?
"Are you...?"
"Tell me."
"He said he had to get back to Stephenie. He only came to apologize for upsetting you."
This time I didn't cry. I was too numb. I couldn't feel anything, because my heart had been ripped out and trampled on. But I had been so sure--and his eyes--I thought he still loved me.
Stupid! my inner voice screamed. Stupid stupid stupid! Why would he still love you?! Why would he--?!
"I'm so sorry, Maria," Josh whispered.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Yes, [Toxic--Britney Spears]
Don't judge me.
Well! Yet again I want to do something with my friends and yet again my mom's sleeping the entire day and my dad's working the entire day. So what the heck. I'll just stay inside all day staring at a screen and have no life.
[All the Right Moves--One Republic]
I finally got to the third temple, Arbiter's Grounds (or something along those lines), in Legend of Zelda! Hah, that took three years. And I stopped playing because I had just played for two hours. And now I'm bored.
I've been making up a crapload of stories, most of which without titles and most of which I have no intention of finishing. So, I've done nothing at all productive all break.
Except find this:

His face was frozen in shock, like he was seeing a ghost. But the girl besides him smiled widely, revealing a row of pearly white teeth.
The girl was miniature, shorter than Alysson, and next to Alan she looked even tinier. She had salon-tanned skin and perfectly symmetrical freckles, and the snowy white-blond hair old Barbies had. I don't know why I remembered her name, when I couldn't remember Josh, but it immediately came back to me: Stephenie Kates.
"I heard you were in the area," I said robotically. "I heard you two here still. I thought I'd drop by."
It's been seven years. She was a Barbie doll. They were studying the same thing. Despite all these excuses, all I could think was: he found her and not me.
Betrayal made a sour taste in my mouth while heartbreak pulled me towards the door, away from here, away from him. I was frozen, though, frozen under the weight of Stephenie's Barbie-doll smile and his shock. His shock.
We went through the motions. Stephenie invited me to stay for dinner, all the while flashing her pearly white teeth. I sat on their stark white couch and made small talk with Alan while she got us drinks. He didn't look at me--not directly into my eyes--and I knew he felt the weight of what he had done. Of killing me, with his beautiful girlfriend and his--his happiness without me.
It was after I found out that they were engaged that Alan excused himself to go to the bathroom and Stephenie bustled into the kitchen like a cheerful puppy. My body responded before my mind did, and I bolted, leaving Alan Mason behind me forever.
* * *
"Where'd she go?"
Stephenie spoke in a confused, innocent, puppy-dog voice, and Alan couldn't answer. She'd gone away from him. That was all that mattered. She'd disappeared again and this time nothing in the world could bring her back.
He spoke with no feeling, no inflection: "Goodbye, Stephenie."
She didn't answer. He didn't turn, though he could feel her glassy blue eyes on my neck.
He started to move.
Her small hand wrapped around his wrist with surprising strength as her voice cracked. "What?"
Alan sighed. She deserved an explanation. "I've been in love with Maria Markowitz for almost eight years now. And now that I've found her, I can't pretend I love anyone else. Goodbye, Stephenie."
Because he was not completely heartless, he spared her a second glance. She looked rueful and a little sad and still shocked, but not betrayed and heartbroken like Maria had. He couldn't believe he had asked her to marry me. It was cruel. To pretend was cruel. Maria was everything he ever wanted and he'd just destroyed her.
She was gone when Alan started the car, and deep down he feared he'd never find her.
* * *
My legs burned, but it was nothing compared to the pain in my heart.
Silly, hopeless creature that I was, I thought of him. His eyes, his voice. His laugh, which I hadn't heard in so long. How he was the one I'd always love, no matter what he did to me. Even if he killed me.
I wanted, for the first time in my life, to die. For the past seven years there had been hope--hope that was the foundation of everything else. Now there was nothing. He was all I had to live for...all I wanted to live for...
Only you, Allyson had said, would nurse a broken heart for seven years.
Tears left a trail behind me that the sun evaporated in an instant. If only I could cry myself away...cry and cry till everything inside me was gone. Then it wouldn't matter that he forgot about me and fell in love with someone else--someone infinitely prettier and more outgoing than me. Then I wouldn't be running blindly through the city, sobbing and making people think I was psychotic.
Eventually I couldn't run anymore and just stumbled about the sidewalk, lost and more alone than I'd ever been. And when a pair of arms wrapped around me, I prayed to God they were Alan's...I always wanted them to be Alan's...but it was Josh, letting me once again crying into his shoulder.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I half-choked, half-screamed. "Why didn't you tell me he was--?"
I couldn't go on, and Josh half-dragged, half-carried me into the apartment, then set me down on the couch.
"I thought it would be better if you found out yourself," he admitted calmly. I gaped at him, dumbfounded.
"You thought it would be better?" I shrieked. "You thought it would be better? They're engaged, you asshole! How did you think that would be better?"
His calm expression morphed into a murderous glare. "Fine. You wanna know the truth? I wanted you to be upset so you'd forget about him. He doesn't love you anymore, Maria!"
His words were a knife in my already broken heart, and the force of them literally pushed me back. I wanted to say 'I know'. I wanted to say anything. But all I could see was his dark, hate-filled eyes.
We sat in silence till the anger drained out of his face and he said, defeated, "Don't you see, Maria? I'm in love with you."
That's when Alan barged into the room.

Friday, January 1, 2010

If I could turn around, I would tonight.

Well, we upgraded Internet Explorer and now it's being poopy and making everything smaller. So, I can't see the words anymore. So, I have to make the font bigger. Ew.
You know, I've always feared death. When I was 3, I started sobbing because I never wanted to die, and I couldn't imagine being dead, and I didn't want everyone else to die either. Everything should just stay the same--I should've stayed 3 years old forever. But things did change, obviously. Everyone's older. Everyone's closer to death. And growing up is the same as dying, only slower.
Some nights, I wonder if I'll ever wake up. I could have some secret heart problem and have a heart attack in the middle of the night. Burglars could break in and kill me in my sleep. There are an infinite number of ways to die, and I'll never be ready for any of them. I mean, how can you stop existing? Your world is the only world there is, to you. If you die, then it just won't exist anymore.
So I don't want to die, but I don't want to grow old either. When I'm gray and crippled, saggy and useless, then I don't want to live anymore. I just don't. I can't even imagine it--the insane jump from young to old. I am young. Being young is really all I've ever known...and besides, the amount of time that has to pass between now and then is mind-boggling, even though when I'm there, it'll seem like the blink of an eye.
Bah. I really want to hang out with someone, but my mom's asleep and now I'm just bored out of my mind.

Current song: Paper Thin Hymn by Anberlin

When your only friends are hotel rooms
Hands are distant lullabies
If I could turn around I would tonight

These roads never seemed so long
Since your paper heart stopped beating leaving me suddenly alone
Will daybreak ever come?

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
Over and over
A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

August evenings
Bring solemn warnings
To remember to kiss the ones you love goodnight

You never know what temporal days may bring
Laugh, love, live free and sing
When life is in discord
Praise ye the lord

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
Over and over
The sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends