If I could turn around, I would tonight.

Well, we upgraded Internet Explorer and now it's being poopy and making everything smaller. So, I can't see the words anymore. So, I have to make the font bigger. Ew.

You know, I've always feared death. When I was 3, I started sobbing because I never wanted to die, and I couldn't imagine being dead, and I didn't want everyone else to die either. Everything should just stay the same--I should've stayed 3 years old forever. But things did change, obviously. Everyone's older. Everyone's closer to death. And growing up is the same as dying, only slower.

Some nights, I wonder if I'll ever wake up. I could have some secret heart problem and have a heart attack in the middle of the night. Burglars could break in and kill me in my sleep. There are an infinite number of ways to die, and I'll never be ready for any of them. I mean, how can you stop existing? Your world is the only world there is, to you. If you die, then it just won't exist anymore.

So I don't want to die, but I don't want to grow old either. When I'm gray and crippled, saggy and useless, then I don't want to live anymore. I just don't. I can't even imagine it--the insane jump from young to old. I am young. Being young is really all I've ever known...and besides, the amount of time that has to pass between now and then is mind-boggling, even though when I'm there, it'll seem like the blink of an eye.
Bah. I really want to hang out with someone, but my mom's asleep and now I'm just bored out of my mind.

Current song: Paper Thin Hymn by Anberlin

When your only friends are hotel rooms
Hands are distant lullabies
If I could turn around I would tonight


These roads never seemed so long
Since your paper heart stopped beating leaving me suddenly alone
Will daybreak ever come?


Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands


I thought you said forever
Over and over
A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion


These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends


August evenings
Bring solemn warnings
To remember to kiss the ones you love goodnight


You never know what temporal days may bring
Laugh, love, live free and sing
When life is in discord
Praise ye the lord


Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands


I thought you said forever
Over and over
The sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion


These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends