Friday, January 1, 2010

If I could turn around, I would tonight.

Well, we upgraded Internet Explorer and now it's being poopy and making everything smaller. So, I can't see the words anymore. So, I have to make the font bigger. Ew.
You know, I've always feared death. When I was 3, I started sobbing because I never wanted to die, and I couldn't imagine being dead, and I didn't want everyone else to die either. Everything should just stay the same--I should've stayed 3 years old forever. But things did change, obviously. Everyone's older. Everyone's closer to death. And growing up is the same as dying, only slower.
Some nights, I wonder if I'll ever wake up. I could have some secret heart problem and have a heart attack in the middle of the night. Burglars could break in and kill me in my sleep. There are an infinite number of ways to die, and I'll never be ready for any of them. I mean, how can you stop existing? Your world is the only world there is, to you. If you die, then it just won't exist anymore.
So I don't want to die, but I don't want to grow old either. When I'm gray and crippled, saggy and useless, then I don't want to live anymore. I just don't. I can't even imagine it--the insane jump from young to old. I am young. Being young is really all I've ever known...and besides, the amount of time that has to pass between now and then is mind-boggling, even though when I'm there, it'll seem like the blink of an eye.
Bah. I really want to hang out with someone, but my mom's asleep and now I'm just bored out of my mind.

Current song: Paper Thin Hymn by Anberlin

When your only friends are hotel rooms
Hands are distant lullabies
If I could turn around I would tonight


These roads never seemed so long
Since your paper heart stopped beating leaving me suddenly alone
Will daybreak ever come?


Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands


I thought you said forever
Over and over
A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion


These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends


August evenings
Bring solemn warnings
To remember to kiss the ones you love goodnight


You never know what temporal days may bring
Laugh, love, live free and sing
When life is in discord
Praise ye the lord


Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands


I thought you said forever
Over and over
The sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion


These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

4 comments:

  1. so basically what you're saying is you just want to be peter pan? me too. to be peter pan would be glorious.

    Disco fluffs. LOL. um Hebscarn. Hebscarn! thats pretty damn funny! very lol worthy! HEBSCARN!!

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  2. Holy crap, it's like you took the words right out of my mouth! I completely agree with everything you said. That's so true, how your world is the only world you have. If people are like "the entire world doesn't revolve around you, you know"... well, our world does revolve around us! And I can't even comprehend the thought of just not existing. Of the entire world just going on as it is, except I won't be there anymore. Oh boy, I can't even think about it or it just makes me feel depressed... D:

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  3. Your words are beautiful...

    Happy 2010!

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  4. Did you know at least 2 people die a year from falling vending machines? Alex told me and what she says is probably not true, but you should probably look it up cuz it does seem like a realistic statistic. Haha is that fact injecting fear into your blood?

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