Sunday, November 21, 2010

So I can't decide if I like a guy.

Which I guess sounds wrong.
I'm afraid if I say I like him, I actually won't and it'll fizzle out before I can actually like him.
Well, really, I'm afraid I don't like him that much.
I just happen to like him more than other people at the time.
I don't likelike him.
....Do I?
....Why do I want to?
WHY DO I WANT TO? That's a remarkably good question.
Why do I feel the necessity to like someone? Especially even though it always--always--ends badly. I'm just not the type of person, physically or mentally, guys fall for. Especially not guys like him; I can tell that from a mile away. And yet, even though I know this--completely and utterly know this; there's no qualms here--I still want to like someone. Some could theorize that it's been a part of my identity for so long that I feel unlike myself not to like someone. I just know I have nothing to look forward to, no goals to acclompish; and yet at the same time I still feel the pain, if not as acutely, of being rejected. My heart spikes when he's online, but I'm not compelled to stay online until he's off, just to make sure I don't miss anything. I kind of love reading everything he writes (though I still haven't read any fiction; damn). I'm jealous of his friends. Okay, I'm jealous of everyone's friends. I'm a jealous person. That doesn't count. I wish I was partners with him in more school projects so he could get to know me and decide I'm not the weirdest/ditziest person on the planet (which I'm pretty sure he thinks I am.) Ugh.
So part of me thinks it's just my incapibility to feel things strongly. Like there's fuzz around my heart and every emotion is filtered through that. Like things aren't really happening. I've felt like that forever. Because I feel something that feels like like, but it's not strong enough for me to go declaring it to all my friends. Ugh. UGH.
So now I can't decide if I like a guy, and part of me wants to, just to feel fulfilled, and part of me doesn't want to, because everything sucks anyway; why make it worse? Ugh. I'm going to bed.


  1. Relationships, or potential relationships, or even just thoughts of potential relationships... It's all just so confusing. Yet there's not much we can do about it. DAMN YOU, EMOTIONS! :P

  2. I feel very similar.
    I mean, I have this core group of four Senior guys that I love dearly (Kyle, Zack, Robert and David) and their awesomeness keeps me happy, but I still long for Tennis Lover's affection.

    We're just going through this period of our life, Strawberry. This, too, shall pass.

    Word verification: disesses

  3. Because, eventually good things happen and you end up taking the person you've been crushing on to a movie this wednesday (what? A movie?!)

    Stick to it. It's better to love and hate yourself for it than to pretend you don't want a fairy tale ending.
    (Because EVERYONE wants a fairy tale ending. Even ogres. And donkeys.)

  4. i think i know who... if he goes to east. and is in some of your classes, but not all.
    and, frankly, if its a choice for you, dont obsess over him. yes, they turn out badly. yes, rejection hurts. why bother, then?

  5. Do you really want someone who only 'likes' you because of your bra size and giggling? That's kind of what most boys your age are looking for. Those that aren't, probably aren't quite ready to do more than look.

    You are not incapapable of strong feelings, you take them in and that fuzz around you heart? It's keeping the emotions IN. Not always a good thing. But it protects you...from what though? Getting hurt? Won't help, I'm afraid. Those emotions will build up inside your heart untill it's too full of all the anger and hurt you won't let out, there's no room to "like" anyone.

    Somewhere there is someone waiting for you--beautiful, smart, headstrong, refusing to show the world her feelings. He may not KNOW he's waiting, He might be looking at you right now and you haven't noticed...because, face it, you aren't ready to 'like' anyone like that. That's not a bad thing. It's just the way you are. The good side to that, sweetie, is when you DO find a boy you like (and he likes you) it's a pretty good bet that it'll be the real thing.

    Odd, this all reminds me of a girl I knew a long time ago....