Which I guess sounds wrong.
I'm afraid if I say I like him, I actually won't and it'll fizzle out before I can actually like him.
Well, really, I'm afraid I don't like him that much.
I just happen to like him more than other people at the time.
I don't likelike him.
....Why do I want to?
WHY DO I WANT TO? That's a remarkably good question.
Why do I feel the necessity to like someone? Especially even though it always--always--ends badly. I'm just not the type of person, physically or mentally, guys fall for. Especially not guys like him; I can tell that from a mile away. And yet, even though I know this--completely and utterly know this; there's no qualms here--I still want to like someone. Some could theorize that it's been a part of my identity for so long that I feel unlike myself not to like someone. I just know I have nothing to look forward to, no goals to acclompish; and yet at the same time I still feel the pain, if not as acutely, of being rejected. My heart spikes when he's online, but I'm not compelled to stay online until he's off, just to make sure I don't miss anything. I kind of love reading everything he writes (though I still haven't read any fiction; damn). I'm jealous of his friends. Okay, I'm jealous of everyone's friends. I'm a jealous person. That doesn't count. I wish I was partners with him in more school projects so he could get to know me and decide I'm not the weirdest/ditziest person on the planet (which I'm pretty sure he thinks I am.) Ugh.
So part of me thinks it's just my incapibility to feel things strongly. Like there's fuzz around my heart and every emotion is filtered through that. Like things aren't really happening. I've felt like that forever. Because I feel something that feels like like, but it's not strong enough for me to go declaring it to all my friends. Ugh. UGH.
So now I can't decide if I like a guy, and part of me wants to, just to feel fulfilled, and part of me doesn't want to, because everything sucks anyway; why make it worse? Ugh. I'm going to bed.