Desist.

Greetings! I haven't blogged in three days because I don't love you. NO I'M TOTALLY KIDDING :D

I have not bathed all weekend. I am filth. However, I haven't gone out much, so I don't really care, haha. I meant to shower this morning, but instead played Super Smash Bros. (which I beat). I didn't have any homework due in the immediate future; at least I hope not, haha. I've been listening to the Eclipse soundtrack, and it's actually pretty good.

I also got new fish! Well, not fish exactly. I got a snail. It is orange. And it renders your argument invalid, because it is hanging to the underside of the tank rock. I also got this super-tiny algae eater, which is super-tiny, and I keep losing. He's currently clinging to the filter, eating algae.

I've been trying to get through a five-minute song without getting interrupted by something, and so far it hasn't happened. I think I'm numbering six times that I've restarted it. Woo.

My phone went fagizzle, so we sent it in to get repaired, and since I lost my old broken Razor I have to use the shittiest phone ever. Gah. It depresses me with its terribleness.

I did it! I finished the song! Hurrah.

[My Love--Sia]

I decided to practice writing grief, since I'm so bad at it. I tend to use a lot of '--' and make things too choppy, which is how I imagine people's thoughts go when they're all despairing. I mean, when you're upset, you don't think "I am upset." You don't really think much of anything. You just feel it, which can be difficult to describe with words, since words are thoughts. Anyway. The last time I wrote grief, I went overkill. I don't particularly like this, but here goes:

No. Stop. Rewind. What was said? What was the noise? I hear, I hear nothing, but his mouth keeps moving. His eyes, eyes are sad—stop, stop, I say, but sound is sucked up; sound falters and dies, dies, dies—what? What am I hearing? Nothing, only silence; hands catch me, I must have fallen. I can’t hear a thing. I can’t hear a God damned thing.

Names, names, names escape me. Hands are unfamiliar as they hold me together, hold me inside, as inside something heavy fails and dies and plummets down to the tips of my toes, smashing everything along its way.

People around me, mouths moving, no sound. They look at me, they look at each other. They were crushing, crushing, crushing me—I had to escape. I stumbled, I fell free, I said words inside my head that might’ve come out, might not have, doesn’t matter. I stumbled; I fell away, and found myself alone in an unfamiliar well-known place.

Alone, alone, I watch the walls, I fall onto something, maybe a bed maybe a chair. Words, don’t come to me, seem to be everything I see; I trace the ghostly lines of the wall with my fingertips and they leave a trail of blood, crimson scarlet red; they leave shadows on the air. Sound comes to me gradually; I hear words, I hear things, from my mouth, but I don’t understand them. Just noise, white noise.

No, not, not noise—a name, a sound, golden shadow death, frightening away warmth, frightening away happiness. “Lyla Lyla Lylalylalylalylalylalyla…”

Sounds fall together, fall into place, fall apart. What, what am I saying, what do I hear? Nothing, nothing, everything, static, noise, silence, deadly pressing aching silence.

Darkness fails, shadows pull at my skin, stretching and tearing me to oblivion. I give up; I fall against the floor, staring wide-eyed at the stars on the ceiling, staring at nothing, staring at a trapped sky. Ghosts crash around me, splintering like glass which shred my thin skin to bits.

Lyla, Lyla—gray floods the air, the light, the sound of my fingers tap tapping haphazardly against the cold wood of the floor. Lyla—blue, blue tinged the corners of my vision, blue clawed at my chest to reach, to destroy my heart, which was shattered. Lyla—blue, blue eyes, blue voice, blue soul; dead soul, empty, broken shattered lost destroyed, bent beneath the weight of a metal horse. Steel and rubber alone could end her.

Words came to me, words I remembered, words I must have heard. Accident. Accident, death, dead, shattered, couldn’t save—couldn’t save her, tried everything, accident. Accident, accident.

I was numb, I couldn’t feel. I gaped at the ceiling, which became a boulder, teetering on the edge; I felt the pressing stillness of my heart as it slowly stopped beating. The world grew still, the world grew quiet.

So, I dunno. Does it seem sufficiently upset to you? Can you even tell what's happened? Yeah. I'm going to go write some more, now...