Stuff and stuff.

Today I have used the word 'euphemists' for the first time, ever. I'm writing a story and I have no idea where it's going, because I've only written the first two paragraphs.

This weekend I need to do two main things: research my Model UN topic and write a coherent position paper, and write a research paper on Commodus for Latin. Naturally, I'm doing neither of those things, but instead writing something which I most likely will do nothing with. I just feel like writing something amazing. Wouldn't it be nice if that were easy?

SKIP THIS PART IF YOU DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT RELIGION THIS EARLY/LATE IN THE DAY.

Today I had a fairly lengthy discussion on religion and law with my mom. It started because I brought up something I had heard about; an article about a 16-year-old who died because his grandparents didn't take him to the hospital. They opted for prayer, instead, with the logic being that if he died, it was God's will. If I remember correctly, they were charged with child neglect, which some people have difficulty justifying, because they believed that they weren't doing anything wrong. Because it was because of religious views that they didn't bring this young man to the hospital, where he could have received proper treatment for his illness (if I remember correctly, it was something along the lines of pneumonia, or some other mildly serious, easily treatable disease). There have been a lot of cases where this has happened, and in most, the guardian of the child was charged with child neglect. Here's my stance: in no circumstance should religious beliefs be put over the law. If it can be proven that the child had any chance of surviving, had he/she received proper medical care, and that the guardians neglected to provide this for the child, then it is child neglect. Justification on the guardian's part is meaningless: means never, in any circumstances, justify the ends. Regardless of why or how, this child died because his guardians did not provide him with medical care. If the child had wanted to go to a hospital, and the guardians refused because of their own beliefs, then it could be considered abuse, endangerment, or outright murder (although, in this case, that the minor wanted medical attention cannot be assumed).

There's a reason for the separation of church and state. If someone was murdered in the name of religion, the murderer would and should still be charged. If someone murdered because the murderer was a psychopath, then the murderer would and should still be charged. The same crime was committed, and therefore the same punishment should be given; if we make an exception for anyone, anywhere, because they believed they were justified, then we could make an exception for everyone. The only way law, an integral part of a functioning society, can be upheld is if it is, without exemption, consistent. Arbitrary law leads to chaos. Religious laws can never be held above state laws; if a person commits a crime in the name of religion, then they commit a crime, and must be punished; at least they will go to jail believing that they upheld their religious views, and more power to them--at least they will believe themselves a martyr in their own mind, while the rest of the world is freed from the wanton chaos that "justified crime" promotes.

Unfortunately, there's always the case in which people feel that crime truly is justified--such as murder in self-defense. That's why there are multiple degrees in murder, and why it's up to courts to decide which degree a person is accused of. If someone wants to make multiple degrees of child neglect, then that's an entirely different matter; until then, however, there is never justification for a child dying.

Of course we also discussed religion in general. This will be a shorter discussion, since I don't really see the point of religious debates. I consider myself agnostic, while my parents, though very faithful, or not terribly religious. I think they get annoyed, sometimes, that I have doubts about God. I'm agnostic for two reasons:

1. I cannot say one way or another that God exists, and therefore, I will not tell someone else that their beliefs are wrong, nor will I accept a specific religion. I can never be sure. Honestly, I'm okay with that. After all, if we haven't found the answer yet, it doesn't mean there isn't one; it only means we haven't found it.
2. I don't want to believe in God only because my parents do. This may seem like a silly reason, but I don't want to devote myself to something just because I'm afraid it might actually exist, and that I'll be punished if I don't. Other people have their reasons, but frankly, I want my own reasons.

Also, regarding religion, I find it annoying that a lot of people think science and religion are mutually exclusive. I'll quote my dad here and say that science could very well prove that God exists. However, religion and science, while not inherently disproving the other, render the other unnecessary. I will give science credit for at the very least trying to find an answer besides, "God did it," which is honestly an easy way out of actually thinking about something. I never have liked blind faith.

MEANINGFUL PART OVER. COMMENCE WITH BRAINLESS FLUFF.

ANYWAY. The bus is like, 8451554359 times more fun with Ryd there. I have named him Ryd. Suck it. Also, I got an 84 on that science test I was convinced I did poorly on. So...I was right. Sucks. Although I'm not as heartbroken as I thought I'd be. Well, I never thought I'd be that heartbroken to begin with...

The semester ends on MONDAY. Oh, snap. Apparently someone thought it would be a good idea to switch my lunch and gym/health period so I have lunch third period and gym fourth. The hell.  That is awful in every way.

BUT I got gym pants, which are basically baggy black sweats (because what else would you wear??) that I am currently wearing, because damn, they are comfortable. I still do not condone wearing sweats in public. Ever. EVER. I mean, as part of a regular outfit. Get the hell out of your pajamas and into some real clothes. Jeans are your friend. Wow, I love jeans...
And now I get back to writing. Ta-ta!

A new century.

It hindsight it was not the best idea to save my massive lab report till the day before it was due. Good thing I can finish these in a day. Good thing it was a snow day; if it wasn't I'd be so screwed right now.

Naturally, of course, I've written the outline and now I'm procrastinating. Actually, I was just reading some old poetry I'd written. In seventh grade I wrote a lot of crappy poetry about, well, a person who hated me that I...didn't hate. In eighth grade I started writing sonnets. Like, only sonnets. It seemed weird to me to write a poem that wasn't a sonnet. Recently I guess I've been breaking away from that...I still don't like any of my poetry...

But now it's harder for me to write poetry because I don't feel anything for anyone. Just like I'm no longer interested in love songs. I just can't relate anymore.

Okay. I should get to work. It's Kerm's birthday! Wish her a happy birthday, everyone, even though she doesn't actually read this blog! Or hers!

600 and stuff.

Reflection? Reflection is for yearly milestones. 600th post don't really mean shit. I even used incorrect grammar for it; that's how much it really doesn't matter. 1000th, that'll be something to look forward to. That'll be a milestone. 666th, you best be expected a picture of the devil.

Just picture it. Picture it, my mind. A lonely night. A place in your head that you must've seen, must've seen. If you don't look up you can still see it but your feet keep moving anyway. Worlds collide, the right one and the one that would be wrong, if you were in it. Seconds pass.

Life goes on. Small things, big things; things with names that won't ever matter, and names you won't ever know. A calling, a vocation collides with the here and now, with the past clawing on and the present lasting forever, and a million paths to choose, even though you know you'll only choose one. What could I be, if I so aspired? But it doesn't matter, because I'm already going to pick what I'm going to pick, and the world must have decided already. Sometimes I wish I was better than I was.

Hours can turn to seconds faster than seconds into hours. It's always happening, all the time. If you think of the world inversely, then we're all just going backwards. Nothing matters. We're just an anomaly, just part of the fabric; we're wind caught in the dust of the desert, the screaming of the ocean. I wrote once that words are the paragon of humanity, but no one read it. I guess it doesn't exist.

Funny how I started making a graph, realized I didn't know how, and instead starting writing my freaky head-shit. Hallelujah.

Today, what did I do? I got up in the morning. The bus was not late. Got to school, took a math test that was surprisingly easy. Usually they're so long no one finishes them. Anyway. I went to Small Engines today, and had minimal communication with Wezzers! I like to think he either hates me more or less, a great deal or a great little respectively. Regardless. I think I try to act a certain way around him, but it never goes quite as planned. I don't mean I try to not act myself or something (which is impossible anyway) but I try to use the part of me that I guess I think he would like the most, even though he doesn't like anyone, especially people who aren't his friends (I guess he likes his friends.) And now I'm kind of wondering how intentionally rude he'd be if he read this. Or how batshit crazy he'd think I was if he read the first thing I wrote. Or, most likely, he just wouldn't care. That's a great philosophy, right there.

And now I've devoted nearly an entire paragraph to him, even though I said I wouldn't =.=

I also took a science test today, which I actually think I did pretty damn bad on. This is bad, because I have a streak of seven sticker-tests (sticker=above 90) in a row, and if I mess it up I'm going to be sad. Sad, I tell you. Sad.

Oh, and I got a 97 on my epic world civ. project. I think I know why. I hope she comments on my last topic: The Best Waste of Time to Learn About: The Mali Empire. This is the last sentence for my argument for that:

If we had never learned about the Mali Empire, at the very least we could live our lives free of the terrible burden of knowing such a useless and insignificant chunk of land as the Mali Empire was ever allowed to exist.

So now I guess I get to figure out how to use Excel to make a graph. Infinite happiness.

Oh, and one last thing:

600 posts, mofos!!!!!

Yeah, I hope that happens...

Owl Monday

I got a 96% on my science test!! Hollah. This is the seventh high score I've gotten in a row. Now I'm afraid every time he passes back tests in case, for some reason, I've messed up and broken the streak ^.^ That would make me sad. Quite.

I'm getting hot chocolate from Starbucks in a few. That makes my life complete.

I have a science lab due on Friday that I haven't started yet. I figured it would be easier just to turn it in on Monday, so I could have the weekend to work on it. Silly me forgot that the marking period ends on Friday, which shoots that plan to hell. So, damn.

I'm torn between liking someone and just finding them interesting. I don't think I like him. I think I just want to like someone, because I'm so damn bored with no one to write about =.=

Of course, I've still entertained the idea that I've almost shut down emotionally (at least in matters of the heart) since a certain someone pretty much drained any semblance of a healthy relationship between me and, well, my heart. Or I just haven't found anyone yet.

Today the bus came late (again!), but arrived literally thirty seconds after Gem's dad started driving us to school. It just occured to me that I forgot to mention that to my parents, but mostly because my fingers were so frozen after being stuck in 6 degree weather for a half hour that I probably was incapable of texting, and then I just forgot after school. Just like I forgot that I had brought lunch today (a granola bar which I ended up having on the bus home), and just like I forgot my science homework. I'm a forgetful person. Some things just aren't important enough to remember.

Today was Owl Monday, and Thursday will be Chicken Sock Thursday. Everything is better now.

Goodbye.

598

Hell yeah. Just think: on Tuesday, I could write my 600th post. Hurrah!

Never mind that I'll probably forget, and post 603 will instead be dedicated to the achievement.

You'd think I'd be able to write a paragraph on the influence of COMMUNISM. Damn everything.

I'm currently writing about how the Mali Empire was the "Best Waste of Time to Learn About", since for the sixth topic in our "Best Of..." midterm project, we can choose our own. Yes. Just, yes.

UGH.

Oh, what random inane thing could I blog about today? Certainly not anything meaningful or significant. Mayhaps I will mention that I need a shower, or that I've officially taken the chipped nail polish off of my nails; mayhaps not. Mayhaps.

[Take Me Out--Franz Ferdinand]

Tomorrow I'm going to the mall with Shari and Kim! Wonders of wonders. I have a shitload of homework that I'm not doing now and that I won't have time for tomorrow. I'm incredibly lazy. Here's a list:

• A sheet in math with literally the most inane problems ever; I actually already finished this but I'm complaining about it anyway.
• A project in World Civ. in which I must make a short portfolia on the best leader, event, cultural contribution, location, written work, and pick-your-own of the cultures we've studied this year. Damn, I don't know what we've studied this year. Besides the fact that I don't care. The good news is that this should be easy, once I figure out what I'm going to pick; the bad news is that it's stupid and due on Monday. Woo.
• Science text book assignment, which is actually only 20 questions this time but will still take me around an hour, maybe a bit less.
• Science LAB REPORT(<-death) that's actually due on Friday, but it's impossible to do a lab over the week. At least one day must be devoted to a lab report, and I no longer have a day. I had this day, which obviously was not taken advantage of, and tomorrow, in which I am going to the mall and probably won't get back till 5-ish, maybe later. Ugh.

This may not seem like a lot, but it is. It really is. It wouldn't even be a problem if it weren't for that damn lab. Lab reports ruin everything.

I hate doing homework on Saturday. It ruins the sanctity of the weekend. Ugh, I always feel like I never have time for anything on weekends. Ugh. UGH. Someone do my homework for me. Specifically, my science lab. Please?

Decrees and Origin of Plastic

Have any of you ever wondered the origin of 'Plastic'? And do you honestly expect me to take the time and consideration to explain it? Heh, no.

Today, while walking to the bus stop, I managed to slip on a GIANT NOTICEABLE SLUSHY SLICK OF ICE on a driveway, and fall on my knees. It didn't hurt, because they landed in slush, but--cold. And wet. And awful. A great start to the day, naturally.

In English today, we took a ridiculously easy reading exam, and English Teacher(<-I have hereby given up on giving my teachers names) tried to make small talk about the book I was reading from World Civ. And this was me: um. And this was his hair: damn spiky. You know, yesterday, he didn't spike his hair. That is something students need to be prepared for. It was a weird length, and lighter brown than normal (because normally it's jacked up with copious amounts of gel.) I say it's a sign of the apocalypse. Heh, he didn't hear me yesterday when I made asked him if he ran out of hair gel...
In art we once again used someone else's artwork to create a picture instead of our own, which sucks ass. Art Teacher is on a Japan-craze. I really have no idea if this was supposed to be part of our curriculum or not, but I guess so. We're copying(*RAGE!*) postcards that she got from her Japan trip. I haven't gotten very far, because I spent more time talking and complaining about how hard it was going to be than actually doing it...heh. We also drank green tea, which I knew I didn't like, but I asked for anyway. It was bitter without the bitterness. Neugh.
Oh, and I'm probably going to the mall some time this weekend with Shoobi. Yay! Now that I've posted it in a public forum, it MUST be true!
I hereby decree that 'y'allmost' is a correct contraction of 'You almost'. I HAVE DECREED IT. LET IT BE SO.

Hibye.

So I have found that I enjoy making maps of places that don't exist, which I use in stories. Fun, fun.

So, what has gone on in the life of Strawberry? What reason could she possibly have for neglecting to blog for four entire days? Surely she must have been so busy that she could not possibly fit in writing anywhere in her schedule, despite how terribly bad she felt about all of it? I'm sure I've made this joke enough times before for you all to know that, nay, in fact, I have pretty much done nothing since the last time I blogged, and I hadn't done anything when last I blogged either. My life is boring, mais c'est la vie or some shit. Although I understand that phrase when bad shit happens, I don't think there's any excuse for just having a boring life. I think tomorrow I'll do something exciting and drastic, like tell the current object of my affections that he is such (although that's not entirely true, KIM!), or not wear a hoodie. I mean I totally won't do either of those things, but it's nice to imagine...

Although, sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be bad to do something drastic, just to see if I could--and what I would do. Haha, now I'm just reading my yearly horoscope, which says this:

Rather than applying your brilliant yet critical mind in assessing other people's shortcomings, you're ready to confront your own strengths and weaknesses on a new level. This year favors the clean slate approach to all matters of self-help, renewal and transformation of your personality. You're leaving many aspects of your old self behind in order to become a better and more authentic version of who you really are.

And now I'm not sure what I was talking about, or if I was ever talking about anything to begin with.

I'm off to write something. Specifically the story I've been writing and rewriting several times this week because it just keeps turning out awfully. But hey, perseverence, right?

So, that sounds endlessly exciting. Never mind that according to the horoscope, that all starts in March. So, why can't I start my soul-searching now? Are the planets not alligned properly for me to perform some deep, meaningful assessment of myself? Do I not have the right energy or some bullshit? Oh, and get this: my yearly 'love' horoscope says if it's "not a soul connection that will transform every fiber of your being," I'll lose interest. Exciting year. Naturally.

Another uninnocent elegant fall into the unmagnificent lives of adults.

I'm a terrible person for not blogging. It's not even for lack of things to blog about! I'm just a terrible, terrible person.

On Wednesday (even though it was forever ago) I kind of sat around, and went sledding with Vera and co. 'Twas amazingly cold. I, like an idiot, wore thin cloth gloves and, at first, couldn't even feel my hands. Then I got some mittens and everything hurt. Everything hurt.

On Thursday pretty much nothing eventful happened during school. I staid after for a Model UN meeting that lasted all of fifteen minutes, then went to Kerm's house. Yay! Didn't get a whole lot done, haha. I had to stay till almost 10 o'clock since my dad worked late, but her mom didn't seem too annoyed, so that's good. We had Chinese food and stuff. And it was cold--the weather, not the food.

Today--not a whole lot happened, I guess. Just a regular Friday and all that. We just started trapezoids and kites in geometry, which was of course the pinnacle of my day. Had lab today, which did not involve burning things, and therefore was not exciting. We just got back from P. F. Chang's, which had an AMAZING dessert thing that pretty just made everything else better. Yeah.

So I guess I did have a lack of things to blog about. Oh well.

[The Well and the Lighthouse--Arcade Fire]

I think I'll write something.

[Mistaken for Strangers--The National]

So...yeah.

I'm writing this from Kim's house. Woo!

I'm pretty sure that, as I was planning this entry in my head, I actually had something to write about. That moment is gone. I can no longer think of anything that happened in the last several days that would actually be worthy of blogging about. Oh well.

So, on Tuesday, pretty much everyone was convinced that there'd be a snow day the next day and that there'd be a riot if there wasn't. There was, but, you know, the next day. Anyway. Nothing eventful happened, but when I got home I bought music. Music!

• Back Against the Wall by Cage the Elephant
• Change (In the House of Flies) by Deftones
• Disenchanted by My Chemical Romance
• The End. by My Chemical Romance
• House of Wolves by My Chemical Romance
• Mistaken for Strangers by The National
• The Night Starts Here by Stars
• Personal by Stars
• Rest in Pieces by Saliva
• Seize the Day by Avenged Sevenfold
• The Sharpest Lives by My Chemical Romance
• Sleep by My Chemical Romance
• This Is How I Disappear by My Chemical Romance
• The Well and the Lighthouse by Arcade Fire

In alphabetical order, too. You may have noticed, I have rediscovered by love for My Chemical Romance. Yay and stuff. I guess it doesn't apply as much as it did when I was in middle school and all angsty and shit, but...yeah.

And now I will finish this later, because I have to go home. Heh. Heh heh.

Cold. So very, very cold.

Today I waited outside in the freezing cold for over 30 minutes before acknolwedging that no, the bus was not going to come. So I offered to drive Gem to school, and then the scary Asian kid at my bus stop who I have officially spoken my first several words to today. Happy insists that he's not scary because one type she saw him eating chocolate pudding, but I still say he's scary. I just felt so bad, leaving him all alone in the cold after loudly talking on the phone about being dropped off at school. We were all late, anyway...

Also today I wore a hat made out of paper. Your argument is invalid.

Oh, and apparently my English teacher is under the impression I am "sensible." Heh. Heh heh.

So on the bus today my seat was TAKEN by the new kid on the bus, and the reason me, Gem, and Scary Boy missed it. But hey, he seemed cool. He thought I was Jewish, and that my eyes were green. Whatever.

So I guess this entry is moderately long enough to be called an entry. Hooray! So I'm really hoping there's no school tomorrow. Or at the very least a delay, since we don't have to make that up. Yeah, that'd be nice.

And...

Yeah.

Another incredibly short post.

So I guess I should blog and stuff. You know. Since I haven't done so in like, forever...

Of course, it's not like I have anything to blog about. Weekend was boring. Today was boring. Didn't finish my homework, but all it is is reading and a worksheet; the former will be finished tomorrow on the bus and the latter, during lunch. I guess I should eat dinner soon, but...I'm not hungry. So now I'm just heart-wrenchingly bored. Out of my mind.

I guess I'll go write something. And have a hot pocket.

Bangsy

So I woke up at 11:20 today for some reason. That is, like, really late. Like, really. I mean, I wasn't planning on doing anything anyway, but still. That's really late...

I got a haircut! My hair is now considerably more bangs-y. And shorter. Not that I particularly wanted it shorter, but I still like it :) So yay.

That's really all I've done today. So...yeah.

Turns out, I am.

Commentary aside, I'm debating between these [many]. If I were a decent person I'd make a playlist with all of these so you could all listen to them all (if you would anyway...) but, you know, I'm not.

• Animal I Have Become by Three Days Grace
• Just Like You by Three Days Grace
• Wolf Life Me by TV On the Radio
• Paper Thin Hymn by Anberlin
• Wake Up by Arcade Fir
• Loser by Beck
• I Miss You by Blink-182
• Into the Ocean by Blue October
• Ugly Side by Blue October
• Until the End by Breaking Benjamin
• The Scientist by Coldplay
• Violet Hill by Coldplay
• Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day
• Human by The Killers
• Smile Like You Mean It by The Killers
• By Myself by Linkin Park
• Faint by Linkin Park
• Moving at the Speed of Life by Living Legends
• I've Got Friends by Manchester Orchestra
• Time Is Running Out by Muse
• Sing for Absolution by Muse
• Map of the Problematique by Muse
• Teenagers by My Chemical Romance
• I'm Not Okay by My Chemical Romance
• Every Day Is Exactly the Same by Nine Inch Nails
• Upside Down by Paloma Faith
• New York by Paloma Faith
• One of a Kind by Placebo
• Who Wants to Live Forever by Queen
• The Show Must Go On by Queen
• Take Me to the Riot by Stars
• MakeDamnSure by Taking Back Sunday

And now I guess I decide...haha. Props if you know all of these songs. +1000 for you, friend.

Maybe I won't.

I found a file I had made awhile ago labeled "Books I MUST Finish", filled with stories I had started that I actually felt inclined to finish. The sad part is I've deleted half of this stories in my biannual cleaning-out of the story bin. So I decided to make a new one, except this time with summaries so I'd actually remember what I wanted to write. I only got three books done before I got bored and quit...so...yeah.

Yesterday I joined Kimberton, Leo, and Up at Small Engines, except I really only joined Kimberton and Leo because Up seems to be extremely adverse to my occasionally joining them all in the class. Actually, every time he sees me there, he asks with a somewhat snide, outraged, flabbergasted, and generally rude tone--"What are you doing here?" (put the inflections where you will) and then proceeds to ignore me for the rest of the class. Yup, we all love Wezzers. Or Upperton. I haven't decided.

Then we went to English where I, for maybe the 10,000th time in my life, was presented with a line to speak and completely blanked out, resulting in my standing there with my mouth hanging open trying to remember what my name was, let alone what I was supposed to say.

Oh, and apparently Happy is switching out of my lunch. That leaves me with Sanguine. I mean, I love Sanguine and all, but she's not much of a conversationist. Plus, Happy constitutes 1/2 of the people I sit with at lunch. So joyous day. Joyous f*cking day.

I would apologize for dropping the f-bomb there, but...seriously. I even put in an asterick, to make it less offensive for people who give a shit. I am so damn nice. I mean, I hardly ever say it anyway, so...yeah.

Anyway. I realized I haven't updated my theme song in awhile. I'm sure it's not still Animal I Have Become, by Three Days Grace (no really. listen to that song.). I mean, I don't think I'm that angry anymore. So...yeah. The search begins! Maybe later I'll post candidates. Or...MAYBE I WON'T.

As promised.

I don't particularly love the ending. Oh well.

Eter-

Soft light, like from her eyes, breaking through the salty seas above us—cradling us in shafts of painless daylight, the burn and bite cut off in the blueness of the sea. I thought I saw her. I thought I heard her voice, and ached to be with her. I would be, soon. I would be with her.

I thought I felt her hand on mine, soft as angels’ wings, leading me towards the gentle rolling lights of heaven.

I thought I saw the sad sweet glimmer in her eyes as she wrapped me in her arms and carried me towards her brilliance.

Sammie-

When he opened his eyes next, and the three of us—Jackson, Rel, and I—breathed a collective sigh of relief, he started crying.

“Eter,” Jackson gasped, grabbing his drenched shirt with both hands. “Eter, you idiot—“

Rel stifled a sob of her own, and shut her eyes against the sight of her brother half-dead on the sand, and turned into the shoulder of the air. I watched helplessly. I could understand him, now. I had finally figured out that far-off look in his eyes when he said, “Sammie, I’m losing myself.”

He tried to get up, but collapsed on the sand; Jackson held him up and pounded on his back so he would spit out the salt water. Half the water, though, seemed to be coming from his eyes; he fell back into Jackson’s arms with a choking, sobbing sound; “Jane, my Jane, how could you take her away from me?”

I laid an unsteady hand on his back. I made him look me in the eyes, and he was ragged.

“Eter.” I could think of nothing else to say. He stared at me haphazardly, as if unsure I could be so cruel as to take him away from his Jane.

“I can’t live without her, Sammie,” he whispered, as if only I could hear. “I can’t—I can’t—“

He fell into sobs again, and Jackson held him, and Rel stared out at the sea.

Rel-

Three days pass, and I find myself at Jane Nity’s grave, staring stone-still at the tracks the rain makes on her humble tombstone. Every flower Eter had left is still there, some withered and brown, some still clinging to color while their edges fell away. The latest one, the one left three days ago—a single rose, with a clean white note, now damp from the rain—still retained its crimson hue.

I shouldn’t. I do anyway, though.

The note, or what’s left of it, says six words: I’m coming, Jane. I love you. I can see where his hand starting shaking, at her name. Oh, he would not be nervous at the promise to end his own life, but the thought of her—the thought of seeing her again, and the endless pain between this and then—was too much for him to bear. Ashamed, I let the not fall to the muddy ground, and turn my face into my palms and sob.

He wouldn’t speak to anyone. It doesn’t matter, though. No one deserves to speak to him, not after what we did to him—we kept him away from his Jane.

Eter-

I feel time passing, through the haze of my despair. About me is only darkness, pulsing and clawing and screeching silence in my head, and it won’t consume me. I am poisoned by anguish. I am too miserable living now to die.

Sometimes I see people I’ve forgotten the name of, people with blue eyes, people with pleading voices. I don’t try to hear what they say. I feel nothing anymore, except agony of losing her, every moment of the day.

Thoughts reach me sometimes, through my grief-filled fog. Only thoughts of sadness. I was so close. I could feel her in my arms, leading me; I could see her eyes; I could see her, and she was taking me with her. She was taking me to be with her, forever. I had felt my ascension, and I had felt her, and now there was nothing—nothing but empty torture, which every moment wrought.

Eternities pass before they force-feed me their drugs and I begin to feel again, and I see those blue eyes in front of me, and I feel everything like a torrent and I cry, I cry.

Sammie-

Something like years pass before I get him to smile again, and even though, the sadness never leaves his eyes. We can’t ask for more than that, I guess. We don’t let him go to the beach anymore.

Rel had to leave for school, and Jackson came and went—he just couldn’t stay in one place, caring for Eter, like I could. Both of them cared so much; I knew that. We all loved him. I loved him, and I think he loved me, in the way that people love after all the light leaves their life. I like to think I kept him alive, through the years; maybe kept some small part of him alive, so he wouldn’t lose himself entirely.

We were out, one night, picking up dinner, when he turned to me and said, “Thank you, Sammie.”

“Coke or Sprite?”

“No.” He swallowed and tears welled in his eyes. “Thank you, Sammie. You know I love you. I wish it was enough.”

I stared out the window for a moment, watching his reflection in the night-reflected glass. “That’s okay, Eter.”

More years passed and I married Jackson, and we bought a house near a mountain. Eter came to visit, sometimes, always carrying that definite sadness with him; that terrible misery. He was okay, he said. He had learned to swim, now, he said with a laugh—or what how he laughed, which was not really a laugh at all. He wasn’t jumping into any oceans any time soon.

I guess I believe him.

Some things just don't work the way we want them to.

I need a haircut. Seriously. I'm bordering on shaggy by this point, if I haven't already crossed the line. But I hate spending $15 on a haircut (well, my parents hate spending $15 on a haircut) if all I do is trim, not cut. Because, like, where's the excitement? WHERE HAS MY MONEY GONE? But I also don't want to change my hair. I don't love it where it is, but I'm kind of sick of it short. Besides, cutting your hair short when it's really long is so fun :) I don't particularly want it long, though, either. Ho-hum, dilemma...

Okay, so, Demogorgon has officially edited a story I wrote. A short story. I think I may've posted it. May've isn't a word. Anyway. It was exactly a stellar review. They liked it, said the writing was good, but it didn't "flow." And I'm just like...what. Not that I don't think it needs edited, but...it doesn't flow? How am I supposed to fix that? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CHANGE THE "FLOW" IF THE WORDS ARE ALL RIGHT?

So, yeah. That depresses me.

I also really need new jeans. I have five pairs, and I hate three of them. Seriously. One pair is skinny jeans, which both emphasize my terribly awkward knees and make me look somewhat pudgy (them being skinny jeans and all). One is about a size too big for me and are, like, light-wash, which therefore makes them ugly [on me, so don't get prissy.] And finally, one would be fine, if it wasn't TOO DAMN SHORT. So that leaves me with my favorite, and my second-favorite, which I wear on Monday and Tuesday, and which I have already exhausted for the week. So...I need new jeans.

I have been writing for the last half hour or so, with Kim. The requirements are: a short story about eternal love (original, I know) with one of the characters underwater. Mmhmm. So, I will post that when I'm done.

Eyes like hurricanes.

That has nothing to do with anything. Really. I just made it up :D

Today I have done: science lab, and Sims 2. No matter how many times I redid it, this lady would not give birth to twin girls. It was always a girl and a boy. And I'm just like, hail no. This is not worth it. Cuz I know you all care about my exploits on the Sims :D

I actually didn't finish my science lab, but I have two things left to do: answer a single question, and draw a really easy diagram. So, yay. Good thing it's due on Friday and not tomorrow, yeah :D Although I can't help the feeling that I have something due, like, tomorrow that for some reason is not on Progress Book that I'm missing...but...whatever. I don't want to think about going to school tomorrow. No indeed...

And that is all I have done today. Hoorah. Hooray. Hoo.

1-1-11

Is not as exciting as 11-11-11, at 11:11, in which the most epic wish ever will be made. I have not yet decided what that wish will be, but when I do, it'll be epic. Ten months and ten days to go, eh?

I did not, in fact, finish my science lab. Probably because I was unable to focus on it for more than two minutes at a time. Whatever. I will definitely  most likely probably perhaps positively without doubt absolutely not not not not not finish it tomorrow! Woo.

So, I think my problem with writing stories is my fear of making a good first impression. Or not even that, but what I'm known for as a writer. Or rather, I'm just a damn perfectionist who is trying to do something beyond my ability. Something like that. I mean, I look at all the books in the teens' section and it just depresses me how pitifully contrived, unoriginal, and worst of all, poorly written they are. And I think to myself, I have to be better than that. And I always somehow get it into my head that every story I write is just not good enough to stand out from that pathetic crowd.

Or, you know, I just get bored with it really fast because I have the attention span of a fish.

So I think my "liking" other people is not so much me liking them, but wanting them to like me. Otherwise it wouldn't make any damn sense half the people I "like." They pose a challenge. Or, rather, they feed into my self-conscious belief that I'm not worth anybodies consideration, and deserve not to be 'liked'. Or, nobody likes me, so it just seems like I only like people who never will.

That was a self-deprecating paragraph. Forgive me, O loyal readers.

Because I know there are so many of you.

I really don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I've been rambling about nonsense this entire post.

I came to realize a long time ago that most people aren't even worth saving, so when I eventually make the world a better place, it will be for me. Because hardly anyone else deserves what I could envision for them.

You see, I wish he knew me better...because we could be PERFECT together.

It would probably be better for everyone involved if no one read this entry...

To distract you from my scatter-brainedness, I present to you, a picture I hold with special regard:

Yeah. I couldn't find another picture.
My phone isn't charging even though it's plugged in. I'm off to go write something trippy.

Second

So for some reason the time gets all messed up on Blogger and messed up when I posted my last two entries...one at 11:59 last night, and one at around 12:25. So, yeah.

See, I should totally be doing my science lab right now, but I'm completely confused on one section on all the other sections are just too much work. I'm the laziest person ever. And I hate science labs. My gosh, I hate science labs.

I think I'll go do something pointless and stupid to avoid doing work. Hoo rah.

And this is my first post.