Why won't you look me in the eye?

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


-e e cummings

I know you know I'm beautiful.

[What I Wish Was a Song]

I wish you knew

what you do to me.

Well, actually, today was a pretty good day.

Halloween: Halloween tomorrow! Hurrah. Let the angels (or just me) sing songs of jubilation. I wish I could post a picture of my costume, because I actually really like it. And other people do, too! When Bloom bumped into my wings in science, he said "Strawberry, nice costume." and Horsey said I looked pretty! Ch'yea. And, since I was an angel, when I passed out papers in LA Tall said, "Thanks, angel," in a flirty way. Haha, he jokes with everyone, but I still made me smile :)

Language A: GOD. I HATE SPEAKING IN FRONT OF CROWDS. I was the LAST PERSON to present my essay and spent the entire class shaking from head to toe. And then I couldn't start right away because I was so nervous and I kept remembering to have good posture but I'd forget a moment after. But I actually did pretty good after I started, and Mrs. Haden whispered/mouthed "Excellent job//article worthy//better than most adults" when I handed it in, and I got like two compliments on it afterwards :D Oh, and I discovered Lesil is in all my classes.

Debate Club!: Wow. Mrs. Haden calls herself a benevolent dictator and most times, it's true, but there was no benevolence in how she acted today. I think it would've been more fun if Lolo and I were in charge, but hey, that's just me. We kinda saved it towards the end, and BASIL AND APPLE WERE THERE. I think Nat was wrong. He ACTUALLY WANTED TO DEBATE. And he didn't look at me the entire time, just like he didn't look at me when I presented my speech, which I know because I snuck a few glances at him. Not even when I addressed his group because it was time to debate! Gawd!

The applause is deafening when he doesn't clap.

Newspaper: My article has been published! Hurrah! The newspaper came out today. And I've decided. Everyone's known for something. I don't know what I'm known for now, but I want to be known as a great writer, if nothing else.

So you're the one that everyone's talking about?

New [second] favorite book: Heaven Looks a Lot Like the Mall by Wendy Mass. I can so relate to Tessa. All those little bubbles of regret that still shape me...*sigh*. Wow. Read it.

I feel like I'm a bad person for pretending to be myself, but I guess it doesn't really matter because if she knows me at all, she'll know I'm way to prideful to apologize unless I have a really good reason. Would she guess what that reason is, though? I know she knows that I'm as convinced I'm right as she is till I just get sick of my resolve, because it's so tiring to throw it up like a wall whenever I'm in danger. It would seem suspicious to me, but she knows how niave and trusting I can be, and how quick to for/get/give, and how easy it is for me to simply forget, but she must also know I'm not stupid and I would never tell secrets to someone who doesn't trust me, because then how could I trust them? And we have to be face-to-face when the plan [a plan that is flawed because no one really knows what's going to happen after Stage 1] goes into action so I can see her reaction. That's the killer, after all.

Am I being cryptic?

Sooooooo.......debate club tomorrow. Woot?

And I just woke up, but I wish that it was a nightmare...cuz when I have those, it isn't real like this one is.

[No Way--Lady Gaga]

You just have to love Lady Gaga. She's freaking awesome.

[Bad Romance--Lady Gaga]

So. I'm being "punished" *cue bitter sarcasm*. I really hate condescending people. But I don't know how to get back at someone like her. She knows me better than most people, she's brilliant, and she knows how to use things against people. She knows how to destroy me, but the thing about friends (FRIENDS. God.) is that you have to take that chance. *sigh* I have plenty of weapons in my arsenal, I guess, but I don't know how to utilize them.

[No Way--Lady Gaga]

Let's assess my writing ability, shall we?

She came out of nowhere, and, like a vicious storm, knocked me off my feet.

In all my thousands of years, I’d never seen a human like this. She had skin like porcelain, like glass, like cream, smooth and lovely despite the tear tracks marring her cheeks. Her hair was woven gold, dark and fine, falling into her face and down her back like a waterfall at dusk. Her full lips were parted, revealing pearly white teeth, and I realized she was speaking, and her voice, her voice was like the ringing of bells, sweet and high in my ears. And her eyes were hypnotizing, darker than midnight and shimmering with unfallen tears, brimming with untold secrets and the pain of a thousand souls. I saw now, for the first time, beauty. I saw for the first time pain and suffering. I saw, for the first time, the sun, for before I was blind.

“Tell me your name,” I whispered at the faraway girl, but she closed her eyes and was gone, all but a taunting memory in my head. Instead of her exquisiteness, I saw my own face: sharp and golden in the fading sun, my pale eyes burning with the loss of the girl, and then I was as well gone, lost without her. The Ever, shimmering silver around me, was ugly and barren; the faces of the gods were dull and ugly. She was all the beauty of the world, all the joy it could hold for me, and all the pain of the world without her.

“Tell me your name,” I whispered again, but she was still gone, still a ghost of a memory in my head. And then, to her, to her perfection, I promised, “I will find you.”

Do YOU think I have a gift?

You're just a sad song with nothing to say.

I love that line. I love it because it feels like me...and I love My Chemical Romance. But whatever.

I can't believe what I was willing to throw out today. I can't believe I let my anger get the best of me. At least it was the truth, but...I dunno. I've been holding some things in for so long and today, I snapped. I guess it has to come out eventually, but I hate feeling like the bad guy.

BASIL. IS. JOINING. DEBATE. CLUB.

I just...I just need to scream.

I also need new iTunes money, even though I bought some on Sunday.

Oh, and the first Debate meeting has been reschdeuled for FRIDAY, because fate hates us. Geez.

I officially have 19 cents left on my account.

Geez. Sorry for all the crappy blogging. I'm just waiting for something to blog about, despite the fact that Jon Corzine (governor of New Jersey) and several other important education people visited our school today, because that's boring. Whatever. Jackson Pollock's art sucks.

I can thrill you more than any ghoul would dare to try.

My life is measured in Mondays.

Oh, and I'm not going to the dance tonight, because NONE OF MY FRIENDS ARE. Poohey.

*sigh* If you want the truth, the fine: I wish you'd tell me everything.

[Empire State of Mind--Jay-Z and Alicia Keys]
Well. Music was fun today. I partnered with Sanguine (previously known as Tiff) to make a song which ended up being deleted accidently, AND when Mr. Murmy was explaining how to record songs, Basil was positioned almost directly on the other side of him so SOMETIMES it looked like he was looking at me -.-
My patheticness is patheticy.

If you are what you say you are, a superstar, then have no fear--the camera is here.

[Superstar--Lupe Fiasco]

Love this song. It's addicting.

I'm writing a story about an angel tasked with finding the good in people so the Earth isn't destroyed by a second Great Flood. Nice, no? Yes, nice.

Read my article!

We’ve all heard about the horrible economy, whether from our parents or the news or even our friends. It’s hitting everyone hard—from the fat cats on Wall Street to the hardworking lower-class parent. But who’s really to blame? Sure, reckless investors and bad loans are an easy scapegoat, but is it really all their fault? The fact is that people today are careless with their money and blame their financial hardships on the guys in charge, when really no one can force you to be irresponsible.

Take Haddonfield Road, for example. Bordered by both the recently renovated Cherry Hill Mall (featuring top stores like Nordstrom’s and Swarovski) and the Garden State Pavilion, which features recession-proof stores like Wegman’s but also more indulgent stores like Ulta, Barnes and Noble, and Best Buy, plus expensive restaurants like the William Douglass Steakhouse. This road is one of the busiest in Cherry Hill and is estimated to draw in millions of dollars a year. During a recession, though? During the catastrophe hailed as the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression? The one the cost the U.S. trillions of dollars and put innumerable businesses and banks of out of commission? The very one, and yet we still blame our money woes on Wall Street.


The fact is that people took out loans they couldn’t afford, bought things they didn’t need, and still indulge themselves constantly for no reason. In the early 2000s, people seemed to think that credit cards were magical slips of plastic that would pay for everything, without ever realizing that they still had to pay for what they bought. To add to the ever-piling debt, no one bothered to ensure their money, especially retirement funds. People were reckless with investments and savings and paid the price, but no, it’s the bank’s fault for failing. Our economy is based off of probable money in the form of credit and loans, but not actual slips of green paper that you can’t refute. This leads to debts that can’t be paid off and extravagances like cars and TVs that are simply unreasonable to buy.


The fact is that unemployment has jumped to 9.5% and lipstick sales have jumped 35%. The fact is that The Home Depot has repeatedly sold out of $2,000 snow blowers. The fact is that it isn’t just greedy investors that have destroyed our economy, but ordinary people like you and me who can’t seem to stop spending despite our dire situation. If you want to have money, don’t spend money. It’s as simple as that.


Benjamin Franklin once said “Money never made a man happy yet, nor will it. The more a man has, the more he wants. Instead of filling a vacuum, it makes one.” This can never be put to better use than right now. The less you have, the more you’ll want to spend, but you have to understand that this is an inescapable vacuum. To survive this economy, people have to stop blaming Wall Street and take a good, hard look at their own spending. Maybe there’s somewhere you could cut back.

Lovely, no? Kim's gonna do the same topic to see if she could do better :) I'm thinking of changing the quote in the last paragraph to "A penny saved is a penny earned." What think you?

[Meet Me Halfway--Black Eyed Peas]

I'm trying to talk myself into liking Daniel so I can stop completely obsessing over Basil. *sigh...*

Not loving you is harder than you know.

[You Are So Beautiful--Escape the Fate]

Okay. So, yes, she is skinnier and prettier than me, and she's really nice. I wish that weren't so much of an excuse. I wish I had an excuse.

Oh, by the way, I'm going into obsessive mode again. These can last from anywhere between an hour to a month. You have been warned.

[Harder Than You Know--Escape the Fate]

This song makes me cry. Seriously. Of the two songs (off the top of my head) that made me cry, they're both from Escape the Fate. Messed up much?

How can I miss you if you never would stay?

If you need time I guess I'll go away (I'll go away)

Inside me now there's only heartache and pain

So where's the fire? You've become the rain

Are we just lost in time?

I wonder if your love's the same

Cause I'm not over you

Baby, don't talk to me

I'm trying to let go

Not loving you is harder than you know

You're driving me so crazy

And if you don't want me than

I guess I'll have to go (I guess I'll have to go)

Not loving you is harder than you know

See? Sadness.

[It's Just Me--Escape the Fate]

Really, nothing's happened, except I'm obsessing majorly.

[Harder Than You Know--Escape the Fate]

SO. Today we had an assembly for the start of Red Ribbon Week, and it was BEAST. Haha, there were BMXers and they did cool tricks. Haha, once of them was named Hector.

And debate starts in a week. And drama is tomorrow! Along with the parts! WOOT.

*sigh* Now I will sulk.

You all stop and stare; I don't need your pity.

[It's Just Me--Escape the Fate]

Love this band. Majorly.

I also love poetry, oddly enough. Words in general. It amazes me the sheer amount of people I know who aren't.

Unforgiving moon
who mocks me from her silver throne

whose careless crass

has unhinged me from my

mother’s womb

and left me cold and afraid

in her silvery light

and like a shadow she creeps

through the cracks in my heart

to leave her ugly mark

in the recesses of my soul.

I was going for depressing, actually. Wow. I'm amateur. I remember in Red, a blogger named Kathryn had a poetry blog and she was incredible. She actually still has a blog here, she just hasn't blogged on it in months. Apparently, no one has. Or commented, either. WTF, PEOPLE?

And now you wish that you meant something, and now you wish you meant something to somebody else.

[Something--Escape the Fate]

This song makes me cry. It really, really makes me cry.

I got a pair of jeans! And ohmyGod, NO ONE COULD GO TO THE MALL. NO ONE. First I texted Nat, because we were talking about it earlier, but she couldn't go because of CCD. Then I called Silver, no answer. Then I called Ani. It was too late in the day. Lolo was baking a cake for a contest and wouldn't be done for a few hours. I called Silver again. It was her sister's birthday. Desperately, I called Happy. She doesn't go to the mall (her parents are kinda strict). FAUG.

So I just went with my dad, and we only went to J.C.Penny's because of a sale. That's where I got my jeans. Wow.

I'm addicted to sooooooo maaaaaany games on Facebook! There's Farmville, Happy Aquarium, Cafe World, My Zoo, Peices of Flair, and Roller Coaster Kingdom. Wtf??? Wtf me???

Oh, and I'm mad at Kim, because she's not telling me things for NO FREAKING REASON, and I hate not being told things. Especially when they concern you-know-who.

God. I'm not looking forward to school tomorrow. I don't know what would be worse: him doing something or him not doing something.

[Ten Miles Wide--Escape the Fate]

Wait. Yes I do.

Okay. So I'm not a very religious person. I don't go to church (which apparently you have to do to be Christian...gah) and I've never read the bible and I don't know any psalms. But I believe in God. Even if I'm not sure of the specifics, I believe in God. Why? Because some of the greatest peace I've ever felt was when I prayed.

I don't pray, exactly, because everyone's definition of praying seems to be asking Him for stuff. I just unload. Talk and talk. Some might call it talking to myself, but I call it praying, because I feel so much better afterwards.

Sometimes I talk to people, too, and I guess this would be talking to myself. I remember one time I talked to Kim for 45 minutes before breaking down and writing a long, heartfelt letter to Silver of all people. Words are my release, I guess. Some people cut themselves to let their pain in their blood out. I write to let the pain in my words out.

It's far less destructive.

Without You.

A poem I wrote forever ago.

Without you
the world holds no meaning;
no joy
but no sorrow.

The sun would shine
but it will be dull
in the shadowy light
of your departure

from my world of woe.

The sky will be black
with the tears of the fallen
of the loved,
and the left behind.

Without you
my world is over.
Without your face, your eyes,
your bittersweet voice
that sings in my dreams
and tears me apart.

I am nothing but a shell,
held together
by your burning existence
and without you
I have nothing.

I am nothing.

Without you.

What do you think?

I hate everything about you. Why do I love you?

Dude! I totally didn't realize but this is my 206th post! Which means the 200th passed without celebration! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[I Hate Everything About You--Three Days Grace]

So. Today. Today sucked majorly. I can't even begin to describe what a soulless bastard Basil is.

You know how Kim told Basil yesterday that I still like him? Well today in line for gym, Sally comes up to me and says "Do you like Basil?" to which I freak out. I ask her what happened and she says he told her in humanities. To which I want to bash his pretty little face in (thank you Nat). God. God. And then we end up in the same team in gym, and Ani goes up to him and tells him not to tell people because "it hurts my feelings". And I saw his face afterward; "wtf do i care?" except more like it was some big joke. And for the rest of the day I want to carve "I hate you" into every surface I see and I have to force myself to drop my pencil so I don't.

So yeah. I should start flirting with Apple or something to get him mad.

In better news, Debate Club lunch meet was today (for LC 8 only) and 17 people showed up! This is awesome. We didn't expect this much for the whole school. And Mrs. Halden brought in the BEST snacks (these amazing chips and chocolate).

But I can't concentrate on that because I still want to scream.

[Starstruck--3OH!3]

I just wish he knew. I wish he knew what this is doing to me. How sick I feel and yet how much I want to see him. This is pathetic X(

We get so sick, oh so sick; we never wanted all this. Medication for the kids with no reason to live, so we march to the drums of the damned as we go.

Martin Luther King is inspiring.

[Young--Hollywood Undead]

Well. Well well well. I cannot express the utter contempt which I feel for Basil. Or at least I wish I couldn't. Apparently today in LA he asked Kim if I still liked him. And Kim, being the wonderful person she is, said "Yes. A lot a lot a lot."

After which he apparently "stared at me for like two minutes" but "I was looking down" and he had an contempt-y expression on his face, or at least that's what Kim looked like when she showed it.

Fuck.

Forgive my French. I just kinda want to scream. I hate how little he cares. How little impact I have on him when my world just revolves around him. God.

Other than that, though, today was fun!

We didn't have math cuz the math teachers were grading Learnia (test/disease) so we just had longer classes. My, fun. That actually wasn't so bad, though. And after school, I went over to Lolo's to make posters for Debate Club (starting the 27th, baby!) and really just ended up messing around on the computer and eating chocolate chip muffins. Yum.

I'm now going to look at my horoscope for tomorrow and see if it's worth posting.

Gah. It's pretty lame but I can't copy it anyway. It says I shouldn't be pressured into buying something. Lame. Imma look at my love horoscope.

Okay: I'm pretty darn charming and people have trouble staying away. I should bask in this. Yay! And I should have a heart-to-heart with my most trusted pal. Who's my most trusted pal? YOU'LL NEVER KNOW.

G'bye.

I forgot. I wanted to post this.

“He who learns must suffer, and even in our deep pain that cannot forget
falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will,
comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God” - Escalus
 

This poem was recited in the speech Robert Kennedy gave after he heard about Martin Luther King's death. I just love it. I love that entire speech, but especially this poem. It's just perfect, isn't it?

Oh, and debate is starting on the 27th! Ch'yea! Get ready to arguuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue!

And every note every note that reminds me of you is a hole in my chest that says I miss you.

Well I'm still undecided about my whole going-public thing, which I guess means I'm decided against it till I decide for it. I don't know. I think I'm just desperate for something to happen, which it probably wouldn't because no one would actually click the link anyway, but still. I wish someone would offer me better advice (read: I wish someone would give me a reason to post it).

So! Today two people found out who I liked and I found out who two people liked! Well, Kim, Genne, and I were standing in line for auditions (drama auditions) and talking about who Kim liked. After she admitted he was in band, I said the guy I like wasn't in band, and Kim was like, "No, he's in orchestra," (teasingly) and Genne was like "Is it Basil?" and I thought she actually knew so I was like, "DID I TELL YOU?" and she freaked out because she was just guessing. Then I freaked out for some reason. Whatever. But then I convinced her to tell me who she liked (ahhh!) and THEN I told Fries (also known as OK, or Other Kim) who it was and she told ME and it was also AHHH! and really cute. And apparently I'm the first person she told :) I just think it's adorable.

SPEAKING OF DRAMA AUDITIONS. My singing SUCKED cuz I was caught off gaurd (yes, that's my excuse) but, of course, I KICKED ASS with the acting. Haha, yes. You should totally believe me. Cuz I'm totally TELLING THE TRUTH.

Actually, I just did my whole screaming-crying-heartbreaking act and Mrs. Balding Stoner looked MAJORLY freaked out, which I guess was a good thing. I can just imagine the conversation:

Balding Stone: Hey, Strawberry's acting KICKED ASS.

Murmy: Yeah but her singing sucked it. Let's get some far less talented actor with a better voice to have the lead.

Balding Stone: Couldn't we just teach her how to sing or something? Isn't that our job?

Murmy: No, our job is to pick some mildly-talented seventh grader who stumbles through their lines and is super-short.

Balding Stone: It seems a shame to waste such an immense talent.

Murmy: Yes. But this is our job.

:)

Haha. I exaggerate. My acting wasn't that great and, ya know, the seventh graders aren't all that bad. But I enjoyed yelling at Balding Stone. So that makes it worth it.

I eagerly await the results :)

I can't possibly imagine how anyone could not adore Bon Jovi. Half the day I want to burst into song: SHOT THROUGH THE HEART, AND YOU'RE TO BLAME! DARLING YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME! And who doesn't?

I've decided. I'm going to do it.

OH SHIT.

Gawd. Maybe I should, like, ask Nat first. Just to make sure she's completely okay with it. Gah, this isn't a good idea!

Okay. I'm stopping. I'm not posting it. Cuz everyone knows only losers have blogs ;D and besides, it'd be WAY TOO OBVIOUS who Basil is. I talk about him too much. The last thing I need is for him to know I STILL like him because even I know that's stupid -.-

I'M A COWBOY, ON A STEAL HORSE I RIDE. I'M WANTED...DEAD OR ALIVE!

Ch'yea.

So give me all your poison and give me all your pills, and give me all your hopeless hearts and make me ill. You're running after something that you'll never kill, but if this is what you want then fire at will.

[I'll Be There For You--Bon Jovi]

I'm back to Trebuchet! Woot!

So I'm thinking of doing something stupid and a little bit reckless and very desperate. I really just want something to happen, and WE ALL KNOW how brave I am online. I'll do something ridiculously idiotic on here that I would never do in real life and then regret it in an instant--but I digress. Hold on, Imma get my iPod.

Huh. I just realized that I didn't need to say that cuz you'll never know if I leave or not. WONDER.

[Thank You For the Venom--My Chemical Romance]

So I'm on a MCR kick again. And DID YOU KNOW BASIL LIKES LINKIN PARK? HUH? DIDJA? I BET NOT. I suppose I shouldn't say this if I'm to go through with my plan, but whatevs. Anywhoos, this excites me cuz like a LONG TIME AGO Kim asked me what exactly we had in common, and of course I couldn't think of anything so I just said we both liked music, and she said that didn't count cuz everyone did. BUT NOW WE ACTUALLY LIKE THE SAME BAND. BOO-YAH.

[Helena--My Chemical Romance]

I listen to this song when I'm depressed 0.0

DRAMA AUDITIONS TOMORROW. Ch'yea they are. Imma fail miserably then act happy when I get a chorus part.

Honestly, though, I don't care. I'm not lead-material. I don't handle pressure well. I can't sing. I'd forget my lines. Get stage fright. My acting is only so-so (sad face :().

I feel like I'm moping.

And now, since no post would be complete without a Basil-rant: I was handing in a paper in science (during content lit) and I SWEAR I thought Basil was in that class. And GESS WUT, I didn't look for him! I didn't, really! Only to realize he was in humanities, but whatevs. It's a step forward.

Wow. I guess I shouldn't go through with my plan now. It'll be WAY TOO OBVIOUS who Basil is. Of course, part of me is dying to just let this secret go, but part of me is still sane.

[Famous Last Words--My Chemical Romance]

[Dead!--My Chemical Romance]

I REALLY NEED to talk to Kim. Let her talk some sense into me. Cuz I really, REALLY want to post my little bloggy on Facebook. And it's BAD.

Or maybe I just want people to know me. Or stop keeping so many damn secrets. It's dangerous to your health after awhile.

Basil wants to be a college professor! How awesome is that?? Yes, I read his bio-poem, and no, I'm not a stalker. It was just THERE. Gawd, he looks so cute in his picture *dies*.

I just keep thinking that I wanted to be one too a few weeks ago! GAR.

His haircut looks funny.

Damn, I'm so terribly unfunny today. I sound better when I'm ranting about how much Basil hates me.

Imma listen to Linkin Park.

[One Step Closer--Linkin Park]

I freaking love this band.

KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM WHERE ARE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU?

I guess I shouldn't post the blog. I mean I'm not the only one who has one. Nat would never forgive me. Ever. But maybe it'd be better for us. To be known. Cuz I'm only shy in school, really. I have a personality beyond quiet/withdrawn/invisible.

[With You--Linkin Park]

[By Myself--Linkin Park]

[In the End--Linkin Park]

[Don't Stay--Linkin Park]

[Hit the Floor--Linkin Park]

[Faint--Linkin Park]

[Breaking the Habit--Linkin Park]

[Numb--Linkin Park]

[What I've Done--Linkin Park]

[Given Up--Linkin Park]

[Leave Out All the Rest--Linkin Park]

[Bleed It Out--Linkin Park]

[Shadow of the Day--Linkin Park] {HATE THIS SONG!}

[Hands Held High--Linkin Park]

[No More Sorrow--Linkin Park]

[New Divide--Linkin Park]

[Pts. of. Athrty--Linkin Park]

I'm like a collector.

I'll be there for you; these five words I swear to you. When you breathe, I wanna be the air for you. I'll be there for you. I'll live and die for you, steal the sun from the sky for you. Words can't say what love can do; I'll be there for you.

Well, today was fun!

GUESS WHAT I DID. I went to Johnson's farm with Heather! Ch'yea, that was enjoyable. They have these delicious apple cider donuts that are surely created by the great heavenly gods of food. Oh, and we got pumpkins. Go squash!

[I'll Be There For You--Bon Jovi]

I love this song. Like, seriously, adore it. I would so have it played at my wedding. I WOULD. I WOULD PLAY BON JOVI AT MY WEDDING. DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

Ch'yea. I just want to use the whole song as a title cuz I can't pick just one verse. I think I'll employ copy~paste on this one.

I guess this time you're really leaving
I heard your suitcase say goodbye

And as my broken heart lies bleeding

You say true love it's suicide

You say you're cried a thousand rivers

And now you're swimming for the shore

You left me drowning in my tears

And you won't save me anymore

Now I'm praying to God you'll give me one more chance, girl

I'll be there for you

These five words I swear to you

When you breathe I want to be the air for you

I'll be there for you

I'd live and I'd die for you

Steal the sun from the sky for you

Words can't say what a love can do

I'll be there for you

I know you know we've had some good times

Now they have their own hiding place

I can promise you tomorrow

But I can't buy back yesterday

And Baby you know my hands are dirty

But I wanted to be your valentine

I'll be the water when you get thirsty, baby

When you get drunk, I'll be the wine

I'll be there for you

These five words I swear to you

When you breathe I want to be the air for you

I'll be there for you

I'd live and I'd die for you

Steal the sun from the sky for you

Words can't say what a love can do

I'll be there for you

And I wasn't there when you were happy

I wasn't there when you were down

I didn't mean to miss your birthday, baby

I wish I'd seen you blow those candles out

I'll be there for you

These five words I swear to you

When you breathe I want to be the air for you

I'll be there for you

I'd live and I'd die for you

Steal the sun from the sky for you

Words can't say what a love can do

I'll be there for you

Lovely, no?

Oh, and I'm starting a book of SHORT STORIES. Ch'yea. I've only thought of one of them so far, but fear not! I shall complete it! Yea!

[Always--Bon Jovi]

Gawd, who doesn't love Bon Jovi?

This weekend has been especially long, maybe because so much has happened, but...Gawd, I shouldn't say this. I shouldn't mention this in EVERY. SINGLE. ENTRY. Geez, I will: I can't wait to see Basil. There, I said it. DON'T CONDEMN ME.

Okay. Breathe. He's an asshole and a player and shallow. He's freaking UGLY and too skinny. He's full of himself. I could do so much better, it's not even funny. Gah, I don't want to say it because it's sounds conceited, but Nat told me to!

Hah, I'm like talking to myself. Okay, I'll say it: I deserve better! Yes! I said it!

Now I can't stop laughing.

I'm insane.

Okay. I'll stop now.

Am I the only one who believes in fate? Like, I keep worrying that fate hates me or something, and it turns out that Kim and Basil are meant to be or some crap. That wouldn't work though because of their personalities (Kim hates Basil, did you know?), but fate works in weird ways. I just don't know how interpret it. Or should I say destiny? Cuz I think destiny is where you end up and fate is what happens to you along the way. Whatever. Did you know Basil teases Kim all the time and she hates it? And they've been in all the same classes for two different years now? Gawd, I wish I knew people. I wish I could interpret body language or something or just be able to tell what people were thinking. I'm the worst at that.

I'll shut up now.

Every rose has its thorn, just like every night has its dawn.

Good God. I have the cutest dog in existence.

[Every Rose Has Its Thorn--Poison]

I actually love this song. Huh.

So....wow.

[Into the Ocean--Blue October]

I'm totally obsessed with Blue October right now. It's so alternative...not mopey enough to be mournful and romantic, but not pleasant enough to be upbeat. It's definitely not upbeat. But it's not slow and sweet either. I could never pick a theme song, but if I had to pick a theme band, it'd be Blue October.

[Hate Me--Blue October]

Whenever I'm alone, I wish I could talk to people. I wish I could tell them this constant drag I feel, but whenever I do talk to someone, the words never come out. I don't really know how to express them without sounding emo. Because I'm not emo. I just have...moments.

Ugh. I wish time would speed up so I could be wherever I'm gonna end up now.

[Ugly Side--Blue October]

I'm one of those people that will cry for a week when I break up with my boyfriend. I'll probably get married before I'm 25 and have a cutesy little family by the time I'm 30. I need serious relationships and security and all that jazz, not like some of my friends who want everything to be all fun all the time (I'm sorry Nat, that's the best way I can put it). I don't want to change guys like shirts and be glamorous. Just loved.

[You Make Me Smile--Blue October]

Seriously, I feel like the Earth swinging around some Basil-y sun; my day is this: see him, think about him, think about my friend thinking about him, think about some other guy who's friends with him, see him, repeat. This can't last forever but it feels like it already has. This obsession is unhealthy.

I need someone new to think about.

But there's nobody else.

[Hit the Floor--Linkin Park]

I love Linkin Park. They're angry and angst-y and perfect. This is what I listen to when I'm angry, to fuel the fire. This is what I listened to after Basil found out I liked him. And when he asked me out.

God, it feels so weird writing that. Like it should be a good thing. Like, "Yay, the guy I've liked for two-and-a-half years asked me out!!!!!!!!!" But when he did, the world just crashed down around me. Instant breakdown. I felt like I was falling face-forward and the hallway was literally spinning. I had to get away, to scream, to cry, to do anything but see his face. I wanted to run for miles and miles till I couldn't run anymore. 

[Faint--Linkin Park]<--This is my theme song, by the way.

But maybe I should've stayed. Demanded why the hell he would think that was a good idea. Why he couldn't see how intensely fragile my balance is around him, and if he so much as looks in my direction, I'll go teetering off the edge. If he knows the years taken off my life just thinking about him.

[Breaking the Habit--Linkin Park]

I guess I shouldn't think about this, though. I should just forget the past. Stop reliving memories that haunt me. Stop being such a damn drama queen. I swear I'm going to Google ways to get over someone:

Give it time.

If he doesn't love you for who you are and make you feel great every moment that you are with him then he's not worth it. In time you will also come to know this.

He makes me feel like crap even when he's not there. I guess that's bad.

1. Come to terms. Obviously the first step will be the hardest, but you just got to come to terms with the fact that this guy does not like you. Men are strange creatures, you can't tell what they're thinking, but you just have to remember that the more you harrass them about them not liking you, the more they'll feel that you are being the bitch that they wanted to dump. Just accept that this guy has moved on.

He hates me. I've known that for a year. Should I say it again? He hates me. He will always hate me. Heck, I should hate him. Is this supposed to be helping me?

2. Remember the good times. Smile at a few photos, hug that teddy bear he won you at the fair. Remember that you like him, and even though its over now, your memories will last forever. And even know it causes much pain to do this, you learn from experiences.

Good times? Like what? Like when he talked to me in sixth grade? Okay. There was a time he didn't hate me. And I acted like I hated him because I was a freaking idiot then.

3. Flush him out of your life! Change your myspace name (having boynamex3girlname wasnt the best idea in the first place to have as your msn was it?), delete photos, let everyone know you two are OVER. Also delete all his contact with him. This will prevent those lonely days you have when you just want to speak to him.

Hmm, well, he's already deleted me from Facebook. I guess I should stop asking my friends what his status is. And looking for him in the halls. And staring at him in LA. This might help me. Okay, so I will from now on make a point not to obsess! Gosh, I want to speak with him every single second of every single freaking day.

4. Spend time with friends. Now, don't rant on and on about him when you're with your friends. FORGET about him! Your life DOESN'T revolve around him! Put ya "Freakum Dress" on and go have a ball!

Yes friends, let's go put our "Freakum" dresses on and HAVE A BALL! Ch'yea. This step gives me great amusement.

Gosh, wow, all I do is rant on and on about him. From now on I will not rant on and on about him. I will FORGET about him! Because my life DOESN'T revolve around him! Oh wait...

5. Talk to someone you trust. Your mom, your grandma, your aunt, even your cousin or best friend. Just talk to someone about the break-up whos opinion you trust!

Wait, I thought you just told me not to do this??

6. Forget him! Don't relive every fight, every rumor, and every tear.

Well, I knew this already.

7. How could anyone forget this tip? What is stressed spell backwards? DESSERTS!! Chocolate/Ice-cream DOES help.

Um, thanks, but I really don't think I want to turn my tears into fat.

Just reading over that list made me feel exhausted. Everything on that list involves getting up! and taking control! being active about moving on with your life! I think we forget sometimes that we are human beings and we hurt. You can DO anything you want, but you can't stop yourself from feeling pain. And that's okay. You are not alone. It has happened to every person you have ever met. And it will pass, just as it always has before.. when you're ready. It will pass.

Yeah, that made me pretty tired too.

[Numb--Linkin Park]

[Pts. of. Athrty--Linkin Park]

[My All--Mariah Carey]

[Wake Up Call--Maroon 5]

I should really start by deleting his playlist. And lo and behold, I just did!

Wow. That was one long-ass rant. Huh, the get-over-the-guy thingey (which seemed more pointed towards girls who broke up with someone) said you shouldn't change for your guy, which is funny because I spend every day wondering how I could never be like Paula or Marisa because I'm just not that girl and how if I was, he probably still wouldn't like me, because fate hates me.

[Reflection~ Mulan]

I love Mulan because she's not trying to change the world, she's not complaining that girls aren't allowed to fight because girls have "girl power" and "together we can do it!" or some crap. She's just trying to find herself. She wants to mantain her family's honor but at the same time wants to be who she really is. I can relate, I guess.

I'm going to stop complaining now. Congratz if you made it this far.

I thought of just your face, relaxed and floated into space.

[Into the Ocean--Blue October]

I think that's very fitting for yesterday. In art club, Kim was trying to get me to think like her, but it kinda turned into 'hypnotizing' me. I mean, I closed my eyes, and she described a scene to me, and, ya know, I pictured it. It was really fun. Even if we didn't "feel it". LOL.

I could explain it, but nay. BECAUSE I GOT MY NEW PUPPY. JAKE IS IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!1 BOOYAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Note: this is not my house and this picture DOESNT DO HIM JUSTICE.

What's it like to die alone?

Lolo and I are starting a debate club :D

Ch'yea. Cuz we're cool like that. And Silver's gonna join. YAY I'M INVOLVED.

[One Song Glory~ Rent]

I really, really need something to distract me. Everyday is so. freaking. tedious. Everything's the same. Wake up. Eat Breakfast. Get a headache on the bus. Hang out with Lolo in advisory. Go to one boring class after another. Fail miserably in gym. Ace tests. Be shy. And for some time each day, try my hardest to inconspicuously stare at Basil. His eyes are incredibly dark. I wonder what he's thinking when he's not smiling. But I said that last post.

I'm freaking addicted to Farmville.

[Paper Thin Hymn--Anberlin]

Get another headache on the bus. Go home and do homework. Eat. Spend hours on the computer. Text. It's all the same.

Drama, Newspaper, Art Club, and now Debate just can't come quick enough. I want things to happen. Constantly. Constant stimulus.

I don't know if I'd be a part of the rebellion. I'd want to rebel, sure. But I've never responded well to high-stress situations.

Geez, I'm not very funny today, am I?

So! Good grades :D

• Humanities Colonies --100%!!!!
• Language A Persuasive Techniques--98%!!!!
• Language A Vocab--100%!!!!

Yes, I am smart, thank you.

I love you like you do not know.

It occured to me. What if this is all a dream. What if we're just floating all so randomly. And when we sing it's just memories, just memories and you and me.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA SONG LYRICS.

I don't like this font. It's too plain. It confines you, almost. I like Trebuchet, though.

But I'll stick with it.

I was going to blog about something but I forget what I was going to say. Yesterday, Happy and I were discussing what type of guys we thought were hot (well, she mocked that I like Basil, and I asked if she thought CATMAN was hot. AS IF!!!). So I was trying to pinpoint exactly what characteristics I look for in guys, besides the general good looks (cuz I'm shallow like that). Here's my list:

1. Dark (as in dark colored)/unusual/peircing/mysterious eyes.
2. Tall. I'm not gonna date someone shorter than me. NO.
3. Really skinny.
4. Outgoing.
5. Smart.
6. Funny.

I suppose the last two/three are general, but I didn't explain much.

I'm painfully shy, and I want someone to look me in the eyes and say whatever they need to say--because I can't. I want my future boy to not act like he was ashamed of me, even if he's just shy about everything (if he actually was ashamed of me, his butt is getting dumped). And I want him to have friends.

I simply will not date an idiot. I know enough about relationships (NOT BY EXPERIENCE, MOM.) to know that it's not just having fun all the time. Heck, I love algebra. I read Shakespeare and one of my favorite pasttimes is deep, intellectual conversations. I ask questions about Quantom Theory (though still no one will explain it...gah). I want someone who can tell me! Well, no, I don't want someone smarter than me. I'm vain enough for that to bother me. But I want to be able to discuss the meaning of the universe with my boy!

Funny.

I absolutely adore making people laugh, though usually it's at my own expense. And I'm one of those creepy people you see in the halls giggling to themselves every five seconds--laughing, like being smart, is a favorite pasttime of mine. I just like happiness. I don't see how that's so wrong.

So there you go.

Oh, yeah, I remember what I was going to talk about now! Race. The entire concept of race works against racial equality. You want people to stop labeling you? Stop defining yourself as what they're labeling you as. Don't make a big deal that you're different from anyone else. It's like walking around with a shirt that says "I'm this!" and throwing a temper tantrum when someone says you're this. Imagine the ghetto (or what you usually find in a ghetto). A group of teenagers-twenty year olds hanging around some empty street corner, wearing baggy clothes and smoking/drinking and glaring at people? Do you think someone's gonna walk up to them and say Hi? Wouldn't you move a little away, speed up your walking, maybe even dare a sideways glance? That's not racist. If you portray a threatening image, people will feel threatened. It doesn't make sense

And it's not just minorities that are slandered. I'm not saying this just because I'm white, but did it ever occur to anyone that whites have their own stereotypes and are discriminated against just the same? Saying all whites are racist is racist, just like saying all blacks are ghetto is.

Okay, so I just lost all inspiration to rant. Sorry.

Basil has a really pretty skin-shade. I mean, I know that's such a creepy thing to say, but seriously. It's, like, cappucino. And his eyes are black. I always wonder what he's thinking when he's not smiling.

Because I couldn't go an entry without talking about Basil.

I think I might be a dead bride for Halloween (slumba party at my house! woot!). I just need a wedding dress. Lol.

SECRET LOVERS.

Nahahahahaha.

So, after reading Shiver, which is by far my favorite book, I've decided I'm going to start reading poetry. I have a tendency to get obsessed with things, but never truly passionate about them. Actually, I have one passion in life, and that is writing.

[Shake It--Metro Station]

So I've decided to just make it all of literature. Because I'm cool like that.

Hah! You can't call me a nerd because I'm not a fact person! NAHAHAHAHA!

Imma go look up Rilke.

Oh, and I find it amusing that Rilke's middle name was Maria. I wonder why. Lol.

It would be good to give much thought, before
you try to find words for something so lost,

for those long childhood afternoons you knew
that vanished so completely -and why?


We're still reminded-: sometimes by a rain,
but we can no longer say what it means;
life was never again so filled with meeting,
with reunion and with passing on


as back then, when nothing happened to us
except what happens to things and creatures:
we lived their world as something human,
and became filled to the brim with figures.


And became as lonely as a sheperd
and as overburdened by vast distances,
and summoned and stirred as from far away,
and slowly, like a long new thread,
introduced into that picture-sequence
where now having to go on bewilders us.

Love it. Absolutely love it.
And now we have Shakespeare.
[Control--Metro Station]
OHMYGOD I FOUND IT. I FOUND THE SONNET. OHMYGOD.
When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,

I all alone beweep my outcast state
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

Let's see......let's try Edgar Allen Poe.
Once it smiled a silent dell

Where the people did not dwell;
They had gone unto the wars,
Trusting to the mild-eyed stars,
Nightly, from their azure towers,
To keep watch above the flowers,
In the midst of which all day
The red sun-light lazily lay.
Now each visitor shall confess
The sad valley's restlessness.
Nothing there is motionless —
Nothing save the airs that brood
Over the magic solitude.
Ah, by no wind are stirred those trees
That palpitate like the chill seas
Around the misty Hebrides!
Ah, by no wind those clouds are driven
That rustle through the unquiet Heaven
Uneasily, from morn till even,
Over the violets there that lie
In myriad types of the human eye —
Over three lilies there that wave
And weep above a nameless grave!
They wave: — from out their fragrant tops
Eternal dews come down in drops.
They weep: — from off their delicate stems
Perennial tears descend in gems.
 
I freaking love poetry. Ch'yea.

It's the summer of our lives; we'll contain it for awhile. She holds the beat, the breeze of summer in the circle of her hand. I'd be happy with this summer if it's all we ever had.

Shiver. Maggie Stiefvater.

Three books in my life have moved me to tears. Harry Potter 6&7, because I loved the characters that died, almost like they had become apart of me. But I've had no time to get attached to these characters. I've only had four visits to Barnes and Noble.

I teared up towards the end. I couldn't believe--this wasn't supposed to happen--no. But the end. The last three paragraphs. I cried. I cried and I laughed with jagged, strangled breathes. I sobbed because it had to happen but it couldn't, and yet it did, and it was beautiful. This book has moved me to tears. This book has made me emotional as nothing else has. Every word, every idea, is perfect, beautiful, unbearably so.

I don't want to see to read this book. You have to feel this book. Absorb it. Let it play with your eyes till the tears fall, and they will fall. And you will laugh hysterically, and sob, because it is simply perfect.

Unbearably so.

The Half-Bloods

So...hum. Summary. Let's see if I remember this from third grade.

The main characters [currently] are Ayla, a werewolf-hybrid who has psychic abilities; Noor, "calm", "wise", and "pale" and the son of a unicorn who was turned into a human; Agana, a vampire-hybrid with unknown heritage; Chayton, a falcon who was turned into a human and an incredibly skilled fighter; Bellona, a beautiful crystalline goddess who has a mysterious tie to Agana; and Erebos, an entirely evil and soulless being who is set out to kill the half-bloods and also feels drawn to Ayla.

The story starts off with Ayla fleeing Erebos, who she's lived with for several months without knowing who he is and has begun to foster feelings for. After she finds him standing over a dead body, she flees into the night and finds herself in the half-blood capitol of Ventustaden (City of Wind). She is knocked out and when she wakes up, finds herself in the company of Noor, an extremely pale man of about twenty who grew up in the city. By this point you know that Ayla is a werewolf-hybrid whose mother abandoned her at age four and father (the werewolf) is simply not there, that she was raised for ten years by a werewolf names Salys, that when Salys was killed by hunters she set out to find them and track them down which she did for years before she met Erebos, who convinced her to give it up and live with him, and that she is between 17 and 20. She also meets Agana and Chayton, the head-preistess and general of the half-blood army respectively. Agana, Chayton, and Noor all refuse to believe Erebos has returned, having defeated him and confined him to a magical prison called the Enelsi years before. Noor tells her the story about the soldier who sacrificed himself to create the Enelsi as opposed to kill Erebos, which is at this point in the story inconsequental.

Ayla decides to stay in Ventustaden and train as a soldier, whilst learning about a history of the half-bloods that Salys never taught her. In the meantime she becomes close friends with Noor and Agana, fairy-human sisters named Aine and Tien, and another unicorn-human named Aislin that she thinks Noor has a crush on. She also begins to crush on Chayton, who's bitter, solitary personality keeps her at a distance.

However, Erebos is still rising, and the half-bloods know he's raising an army of the undead to defeat them once more. While Chayton gathers an army to fight back, Noor, Ayla, Agana, Aine, and Tien set off to follow a lead that Bellona, their main goddess (who is legended to have created the half-bloods in the first place), can help them win the war.

The journey to her palace is extremely perilous, since Erebos seems to have a fixation on turning Ayla to his side at any cost. When finally the group is overpowered by a band of demons and Tien is killed, the rest of them are rescued by the dragon-human twins Drakon and Fraenir. The twins agree to travel with them for the rest of the trip.

Agana tells Ayla stories of her childhood all throughout the journey, and shares with her the inner pain she feels at being abandoned. Here Ayla can relate, for she was as well abandoned.

Ayla frequently has visions of the future, which she can't explain because she doesn't know her mother was a psychic. They mostly consist of Noor dead, Erebos burning a town down, and a crystal tree that makes utterly no sense.

Her feelings for Chayton are also growing, which Noor doesn't approve of at all. He warns her that Chayton doesn't love anyone, but she doesn't listen and continues to think about him constantly.

Finally their journey takes them through a half-blood village that is the same one Ayla saw burning, and here they meet the elf and elf-human Siofa and Aluino. They stay her for two days before Erebos finds them and attacks, effectively destroying the town. As they flee, Ayla turns back and sees the same image she saw in her visions, which leads her to believe she can see the future.

After days of traveling non-stop, within a mile of the palace, Noor vanishes. Ayla is devestated, naturally, but the others insist they move on, and in the night they reach the palace. Here they find Noor, who was brought there by Bellona.

Within the night, they find out that Bellona is Agana's mother, and Noor confesses his love for Ayla, who returns it readily. Bellona agrees to help them, mostly for Agana's benefit, but at the last minute Erebos shows up and attacks the castle. Since he's the son of a god, he puts a curse on Bellona that confines her and her powers to her castle, which means the others are on their own. Also, in an attempt to kidnap Ayla, he is thwarted by Noor and the collision of both of their power causes Ayla to lose her memory.

End of book 1.