Saturday, October 10, 2009

Every rose has its thorn, just like every night has its dawn.

Good God. I have the cutest dog in existence.
[Every Rose Has Its Thorn--Poison]
I actually love this song. Huh.
[Into the Ocean--Blue October]
I'm totally obsessed with Blue October right now. It's so alternative...not mopey enough to be mournful and romantic, but not pleasant enough to be upbeat. It's definitely not upbeat. But it's not slow and sweet either. I could never pick a theme song, but if I had to pick a theme band, it'd be Blue October.
[Hate Me--Blue October]
Whenever I'm alone, I wish I could talk to people. I wish I could tell them this constant drag I feel, but whenever I do talk to someone, the words never come out. I don't really know how to express them without sounding emo. Because I'm not emo. I just have...moments.
Ugh. I wish time would speed up so I could be wherever I'm gonna end up now.
[Ugly Side--Blue October]
I'm one of those people that will cry for a week when I break up with my boyfriend. I'll probably get married before I'm 25 and have a cutesy little family by the time I'm 30. I need serious relationships and security and all that jazz, not like some of my friends who want everything to be all fun all the time (I'm sorry Nat, that's the best way I can put it). I don't want to change guys like shirts and be glamorous. Just loved.
[You Make Me Smile--Blue October]
Seriously, I feel like the Earth swinging around some Basil-y sun; my day is this: see him, think about him, think about my friend thinking about him, think about some other guy who's friends with him, see him, repeat. This can't last forever but it feels like it already has. This obsession is unhealthy.
I need someone new to think about.
But there's nobody else.
[Hit the Floor--Linkin Park]
I love Linkin Park. They're angry and angst-y and perfect. This is what I listen to when I'm angry, to fuel the fire. This is what I listened to after Basil found out I liked him. And when he asked me out.
God, it feels so weird writing that. Like it should be a good thing. Like, "Yay, the guy I've liked for two-and-a-half years asked me out!!!!!!!!!" But when he did, the world just crashed down around me. Instant breakdown. I felt like I was falling face-forward and the hallway was literally spinning. I had to get away, to scream, to cry, to do anything but see his face. I wanted to run for miles and miles till I couldn't run anymore. 
[Faint--Linkin Park]<--This is my theme song, by the way.
But maybe I should've stayed. Demanded why the hell he would think that was a good idea. Why he couldn't see how intensely fragile my balance is around him, and if he so much as looks in my direction, I'll go teetering off the edge. If he knows the years taken off my life just thinking about him.
[Breaking the Habit--Linkin Park]
I guess I shouldn't think about this, though. I should just forget the past. Stop reliving memories that haunt me. Stop being such a damn drama queen. I swear I'm going to Google ways to get over someone:
Give it time.
If he doesn't love you for who you are and make you feel great every moment that you are with him then he's not worth it. In time you will also come to know this.
He makes me feel like crap even when he's not there. I guess that's bad.
1. Come to terms. Obviously the first step will be the hardest, but you just got to come to terms with the fact that this guy does not like you. Men are strange creatures, you can't tell what they're thinking, but you just have to remember that the more you harrass them about them not liking you, the more they'll feel that you are being the bitch that they wanted to dump. Just accept that this guy has moved on.

He hates me. I've known that for a year. Should I say it again? He hates me. He will always hate me. Heck, I should hate him. Is this supposed to be helping me?
2. Remember the good times. Smile at a few photos, hug that teddy bear he won you at the fair. Remember that you like him, and even though its over now, your memories will last forever. And even know it causes much pain to do this, you learn from experiences.
Good times? Like what? Like when he talked to me in sixth grade? Okay. There was a time he didn't hate me. And I acted like I hated him because I was a freaking idiot then.
3. Flush him out of your life! Change your myspace name (having boynamex3girlname wasnt the best idea in the first place to have as your msn was it?), delete photos, let everyone know you two are OVER. Also delete all his contact with him. This will prevent those lonely days you have when you just want to speak to him.
Hmm, well, he's already deleted me from Facebook. I guess I should stop asking my friends what his status is. And looking for him in the halls. And staring at him in LA. This might help me. Okay, so I will from now on make a point not to obsess! Gosh, I want to speak with him every single second of every single freaking day.
4. Spend time with friends. Now, don't rant on and on about him when you're with your friends. FORGET about him! Your life DOESN'T revolve around him! Put ya "Freakum Dress" on and go have a ball!
Yes friends, let's go put our "Freakum" dresses on and HAVE A BALL! Ch'yea. This step gives me great amusement.
Gosh, wow, all I do is rant on and on about him. From now on I will not rant on and on about him. I will FORGET about him! Because my life DOESN'T revolve around him! Oh wait...
5. Talk to someone you trust. Your mom, your grandma, your aunt, even your cousin or best friend. Just talk to someone about the break-up whos opinion you trust!
Wait, I thought you just told me not to do this??
6. Forget him! Don't relive every fight, every rumor, and every tear.
Well, I knew this already.
7. How could anyone forget this tip? What is stressed spell backwards? DESSERTS!! Chocolate/Ice-cream DOES help.
Um, thanks, but I really don't think I want to turn my tears into fat.
Just reading over that list made me feel exhausted. Everything on that list involves getting up! and taking control! being active about moving on with your life! I think we forget sometimes that we are human beings and we hurt. You can DO anything you want, but you can't stop yourself from feeling pain. And that's okay. You are not alone. It has happened to every person you have ever met. And it will pass, just as it always has before.. when you're ready. It will pass.

Yeah, that made me pretty tired too.
[Numb--Linkin Park]
[Pts. of. Athrty--Linkin Park]
[My All--Mariah Carey]
[Wake Up Call--Maroon 5]
I should really start by deleting his playlist. And lo and behold, I just did!
Wow. That was one long-ass rant. Huh, the get-over-the-guy thingey (which seemed more pointed towards girls who broke up with someone) said you shouldn't change for your guy, which is funny because I spend every day wondering how I could never be like Paula or Marisa because I'm just not that girl and how if I was, he probably still wouldn't like me, because fate hates me.
[Reflection~ Mulan]
I love Mulan because she's not trying to change the world, she's not complaining that girls aren't allowed to fight because girls have "girl power" and "together we can do it!" or some crap. She's just trying to find herself. She wants to mantain her family's honor but at the same time wants to be who she really is. I can relate, I guess.
I'm going to stop complaining now. Congratz if you made it this far.


  1. haha i tried that list before.

    It didnt work.

    What worked for me was turning my anger against myself for not being what he wants, to turrning my anger at him becuase he's idiotic enough not to realize how awesome I am.
    Try it!

  2. The same list? Tis a shame.

    Well, that sounds sensible. I think I'll try it.