How to say goodbye...

I finally bought and reread How to Say Goodbye in Robot, and now I have that feeling again. That empty, sad feeling like something got ripped out of my heart. It's very rare that something makes me cry twice. The first time I read Shiver, I bawled, but the second time I didn't even tear up. I still have tears in my eyes now.

I wish real life was like a book. In books, there are trials where you can actually prove yourself and be someone. In real life you're just the living dead.

Talk? Talk is cheap. Give me a word you can keep.

[Halfway Gone--Lifehouse]

My new favorite song, by the way.

I smell like deodorant and sweat, which is strange because I've been a lump all day.

But I spent a good portion of the day online window shopping!!!!! at a grand total of three stores. I added a bunch of stuff to a wishlist and saved it to my favorites...but anyway...it all came out to a grand total of $353.11. Haha. Anyone wanna give me 400 dollars in the summer?

The snow outside is very smooth and new-looking. It's gone from pathetic old man to young adult. Hurrah!

Someone comment. NOW. And Happy, pick up your phone.

With a smile.......

Well, snow day today. Storms at night freak me out. Last night, I looked out the window, bundled beneath four layers and with the heater running, and felt a chill run down my spine. The snow wasn't the half of it--I love snow--but the wind. Every tree seemed to sway at a ninety degree angle, each branch seemed perilously close to snapping, and all I could picture was some kind of powerful tribal dance. It was frightening.

I'm looking through my stories (currently 24) to see if there's anything I want to write. I don't want to start another one--I have too many already! Geez, I can't believe I had, like, 183 stories--but I'm thinking that's what I'm going to do. And if my writing sounds boring right now (which it does) that's because I'm bored.

I'm off to write. Please suggest music.

333. HALF EVIL.

It seems like a lot has happened but really that's just how slow the week is going. Today a seventh grader, Nate, spent ten minutes glaring at me. I was scared. But he was just joking :)

So. I feel like writing about Basil (who's going to do something involving Elaina because he "doesn't have anything to lose", but I don't know what). I feel like writing my feelings. Ya know, my heart on my sleeve? Let's see what I come up with.

Dear Basil,

Are you still under the ludicrous impression I'm madly in love with you? Well, don't be. You're a petty, hypocritical swine, and every time I see you I am disgusted more. You are (and pardon my French) an asshole. You feel bad for yourself because some poor loser has a crush on you--a crush that managed to last two years--but how do you think I feel?

I'll tell you how I feel. Basil, I have suffered two years of you beating me into the ground for no reason other than that I "like" you. I have suffered two years hanging onto your every word, desperately disescting and attempting to define even a passing glance. I have suffered two years of you completely ignoring me--pretending I don't exist--but only to my face. To my friends and your friends, you seem to have nothing to say but to insult me. I have suffered two years of this, Basil. I will not suffer any more.

So don't worry. You can stop insulting me behind my back. You can't stop pretending I don't exist. I'm done with you. I'm done with you hating me...and I'm done being obsessed with you. Basil, did you know I've never shed a single tear for you? And I never will.

But...But what really gets me, what really kills me, is that you know exactly how I feel and yet you remain an unsympathetic bastard. You are hopelessly attached to someone way out of your league who has absolutely no interest in you, and everyone knows about it...and yet I'm the freak, the stalker, the loser. How? How can you consciously torture me every day when you know exactly what you're doing? How can you stoop so low as to insult me when really, you're insulting yourself?

But it doesn't even matter anymore. You've been trying to tell me for years, Basil, and it's finally sunk in--you are one of the most disgusting, currupt people on the face of the planet. I have no interest in you. There is no place in my heart for you--not anymore.

Goodbye. And good riddance.

Too melodramatic?

Why'd ya have to go and make things so complicated?

Words cannot express my joy that Elaina rejected the sh*t out of him. And that everyone knows about it. Why am I so gleeful at his pain, you ask? Because I want him to know EXACTLY how I feel, 24/7.

Oh, and he actually acknowledged my existence (again!). He asked to switch seats in LA. Hurrah.

So, debate club was cancelled because Mrs. Halden wasn't here. Poopy.

I have to go work on high school related stuff now. Today was boring. G'bye!

331

I'm pretty much running out of titles, because I'm never listening to music when I blog.

[Superstar--Lupe Fiasco]

I really need to reread How to Say Goodbye in Robot. Actually, I need to buy it, because I bought Shiver but didn't have the money for Robot at the time.

[Wake Up Call--Maroon 5]

GUESS WHAT! You know that girl that Basil was gonna ask out today? IT WAS ELAINA. This is awesome. One, because she doesn't like him, and she's rejected him a bunch of times, so she probably already has. Two, because in the rare event she does say yes, I actually like Elaina. She's, ya know, nice.

Okay! So. Math test today. Everyone was saying how hard it was, but really, it was insanely easy, and I finished it in, like, 15 minutes.

Oh, and by the way, forgive me for never commenting back anymore! I know this isn't the way to keep friends. It's just, honestly, no one ever says enough for me to respond adequately. Maybe it's because I keep giving crappy entries, but whatever. Please say more :(

Oh me. Oh my.

I hope you realize that, now that I sit near him, every single post will be about Basil.

Today I found out he's going to ask someone out. I don't know who and I don't know when. I only hope he does it soon. The suspense is KILLING ME. You see, he was asking Thall and Lulu what he should do if she rejects/accepts him. I really, really, REALLY hope she rejects him. You have no idea.

Oh, and he acknowledged my existence in some small way. I forget what the joke was but he said my name :)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand it's Friday. So yay. I can't wait till Monday.

Of course.

We changed seats in English. I'm with Thall, Lulu, Gigi, and Basil.

Oh, joyjoyjoyjoyJOY. Now it's up to you to decide whether or not I'm being sarcastic.

327

Or 328.

Well! Yesterday was fun (I wonder how many times I've said this on here...?). I went to the Meast Orientation, completely skipped the actual presentation in favor of an early tour around the school, and hung out with Silver, Nat, Lolo, Melissa, and Kim! Yay.

My mouse isn't working very well and it's extremely annoying.

Oh, and I feel empowered, because yesterday I cancelled debate club. Go me.

Secret of the day: I love soduko. Love it. I play it all the time. But I hate it when I mess up and can't find my mistake, cuz then I have to start all over and it wastes eraser.

Never do soduko in pen. Just don't do it.

I have a feeling I have more to blog about, but I can't think of anything right now.

...besides the hunt for the perfect story and my conflicted desire to buy this gorgeous green journal at Barnes and Noble that I can't find a link to. I have a thing for journals, you see.

I need jeans.

I love this pencil case.

Goodbye.

I'm just like everyone else.

Well! Aside from nearly crying from boredom in science, I had a completely uneventful/depressing day.

12 Likes and 8 Dislikes

I like.....that exhilarating feeling you get when you're having an insane amount of fun with your friends, blank pages of paper paired with black gel pens, when you see something beautiful, iTunes gift cards, snow falling at night, lazy sunny afternoons spent lounging about with my cats, getting a really good grade on a test/homework assignment, getting everything done and having no obligations, delicious food, confidence, love, and making people genuinely laugh.

I despise...disappointment, my own impatience, that feeling that everything knows something except you, when people don't tell me secrets, that vague fear you get when you imagine something terrifying even though it's not really there, when none of my friends are on Facebook, and going long periods of time without Basil.

And there you have it. Please tag yourself! And comment! Commenting is good.

Be my Valentine?

Happy two-year anniversary, my dear.

Oh, did you think I forgot? I've been waiting for this day for awhile. I guess you forgot, but yes, it's been two years. Two. Freaking. Years.

I think I wanted this day to come.

Well! Valentine's Day was actually not as bad as SOME people said it was. I thought it was really sweet, especially at the end when everything worked out (oops! Did I spoil it for you?). It was cool how everyone was connected somehow.

Oh, and since Lolo and I got there earlier, we got in, but Nat and Melissa didn't. Yup, by the time they got to the theatre, it was sold out. SOOOO, they saw Dear John. And that was some useless information right there.

G'bye. I'll update you if someone sends, like, a huge bouquet of roses and a box of chocolates and a note saying they're madly in love with me...or something.

In my head...

Well. Yesterday was super, incredibly fun, and I'm not just saying that. Kim and I made a movie about a social outcast who goes on a killing spree! Yup, it's funny. And cold. So, so cold.

I would try to muster up more enthusiam for this but my face hurts.

Today is Nat's birthday! Wish her a happy birthday! Later we're going to see Valentine's Day, which is appropiate, considering Valentine's Day is in two days.

The dance was cancelled. Tear.

...I want a Valentine!!! *sobs*

I've been feeling so alone.

I have nothing to blog about today (NOTHING. HAPPENED.) so I might as well tell you why yesterday sucked:

1. To start off with, I got a 58 on my math test.
2. I also did really bad on my French test, though I don't know the exact grade.
3. In gym we performed our ridiculously embarrassing dance, and got an 85 on it.
4. There were no egg explosions in Science, which I had been seriously looking forward to.
5. I realized I had a crapload of work to do.
6. I freaked out in debate club.
7. We lost our argument in debate club.
8. I didn't have any headphones so I had to spend the bus ride staring at the seat.
9. I had a headache.

See? Fun, fun.

Today was cold, boring, and unproductive. There's really no other way to put it.

If I lie here....If I just lie here...would you lie with me, and just forget the world?

New blog! With Kim/Misty! Yay! Go to it!

sumandwin.blogspot.com

Yeah, we're cool.

I had a bad day. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, WHEN THERE'S NO SCHOOL!!! MWA HA HA!!!

[Chasing Cars--Snow Patrol]

I can't stop listening to this song.

It saddens me that, like, NOBODY commented on my last entry, which took a long time and was very thought-out. JERKS.

I'm scared.

Scared. Scared? I don't know. I've been completely out of it all day. Just not really thinking and then losing what I was going to say. I've had a headache all day, but not a bad one--just annoying, frustrating, painful enough to bother me but not enough to be sick. I have a lot of thoughts. They're all scattered. If I were an animal, I imagine I'd be some kind of puppy: yappy, whiny, goofy, naive, needy, dependent. But then sometimes I'm not like that. Sometimes I'm quiet, serious, lethargic, thoughtful. I'm a lot of things and I can't put them together.

But maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I'm not nearly as complicated as I think I am.

Sometimes I think I hate the bus, but really, sometimes it's my favorite part of the day. Even when I have a headache. I love hanging out with Happy and Gem and Aaron and Bruce and Nate (or really just Happy and Gem). I love that they laugh--I love making people laugh--at my weirdness, cuz I know they're not laughing at me, they're laughing with me. I try to act crazy. I try to make them laugh. And it works. I kinda feel accepted, even when the others tease me. And it's fun. It's a lot of fun.

I feel accepted on here, too. Like someone actually cares enough to listen to me. Like how I don't in school, around people besides my friends. Sometimes I don't even feel accepted by my friends. And sometimes I know I deserve it and sometimes I wish it didn't matter. I like the idea of being cold, emotionless; untouchable. I'm an incredibly dependent creature sometimes, and honestly, I feel weak.

But sometimes my contempt at humanity is so great I wish I wasn't human at all.

I feel lost; I have a lot of ways of thinking that don't coincide with each other. I could think of things in a scientific way, an artistic way, a philosophical way, an objective way, an emotional way, a simple way or an universal way. But not together. Do you understand? I believe in God and I believe in evolution. Instead of trying to combine them, I just don't think about them together. Is it the easy way out or just how I think? I don't know. Again, maybe I'm overcomplicating myself so I can convince myself I'm more "deep", more advanced, then everyone else--a mistake I've made before. I know I'm not unique; I know everyone else feels the same way and they just aren't as vocal about it. But I only know my own thoughts and that limits me to thinking I'm not just like everyone else, and then I have to remind myself I am.

I think. I breathe. I exist--as far as I know--but does that mean I live? I'm sorry for being so scattered--I'm trying to write down my thoughts as I have them--but really, am I living? Right now, sitting in this chair, pouring my brain out to a bunch of strangers, am I living? Some would say yes...I would say maybe. I don't know. I don't know a lot of things. I don't know how the universe was created or why I'm here--if there even is a reason. I don't know what constitutes "living". I know being unhappy does not mean you're not alive--and I am unhappy--and I know thinking doesn't mean you're alive--and I am thinking, quite a bit--and I know that, in the end, when everything is turned to dust, even if I make a huge impact in the world it won't make the slightest bit of difference outside our own existence. Humans are conceited....selfish....greedy...We believe, as a whole, that because of our intelligence we can pave over forests and kill animals and live a life of indulgence, of sin, without even knowing it, and I desperately wish there was a way to advance without destroying ourselves and destroying the planet around us. If humans were dumb but strong, no one would complain, but because we're intelligent and weak, we always want more. It seems like a paradox--the ability to choose, and the idea that we would be better off if we didn't advance--and frankly, sometimes I have to force myself not to think about it because I can't find an answer. As intelligent beings, we can't consent to go backwards--we can't give up cars because they hurt the environment--because to do so would be ridiculous, but at the same time we can't go forwards anymore because it'll never be enough, and it will only hurt, in the end. With all the technology and intelligence in the world, we can't get rid of pain.

Oh, God. Now I'm going to talk about love.

Pain made me think about love, you see. And I know I'm thirteen and not exactly an expert on the subject, but I have some ideas. Some would say "love" is only an excuse to carry on the species--a tribal instinct for self-preservation. And some would say it's too broad and complicated for humans to understand, let alone explain. Never having been in love, it's hard for me to explain anyway--I've really only felt obsession and breif, fiery bits of passion. But obsession, as we all know, is just an unhealthy excuse to let something entirely occupy your mind, and all my passion has only stemmed from ignorance. And love....love is so much different from both of them.

Do you find me a hypocrite for saying that, or else just silly, desperate to sound philosophical? I guess all my counts of love have been in literature or from hearing someone talk about it--reciting sonnets or watching my parents talk about each other--because, though I'm sure I've felt love (parents, friends, pets, places, objects), I can't be sure. Can anyone ever be sure? With parents, it's unconditional...and I'm sure I love my friends, because I am fairly dependent on them and such, and I love having them around, though I can never be sure with friends. I know I love Marco and Muddy...I know I love the beach, I know I love the way the sky looks at any time of the day, I know I love trees and shade and shadows, I know I love that feeling that you're surrounded by a beauty only you can see. But...but romantic love, I've never felt. Does it border on obsession, or is it just commitment and some deep connection? If it is...then how can anyone ever fall out of love?

Oh, God. My fingers can't type fast enough. I feel slow. And during all of this, all of these thoughts, my expression has not changed once. I'm just staring, almost cold, kind of lethargic. I want to be special. I want to be intelligent. I want someone to love me--and, as proof that I'm human, even though I know people do love me it doesn't feel like enough. I still feel unloved and alone. I'm still unhappy. Why am I so unhappy? Why do I always want to change? Why do I insist I hate people while simultaneously begging for their approval?

I'm eating dinner. I swallowed a mouthful of food and it burned my throat on the way down, but I didn't flinch. I thought about writing it on here and took another bite.

I really must be insane.

If I write a book...if someone falls in love with me...if I go to Princeton and go to Paris and get my dream home and get married and have kids and do all the things I wanted to...will I be happy then?

If everything could ever feel this real forever....If anything could ever be this good again.

Happy has a blog! Go see it! Now!

[Honest Goodbye--Bad Religion]

So. I really have done nothing this entire weekend. Apparently there's a two-hour delay tomorrow, and I have no idea when I'm supposed to be at the bus stop.

I'm still planning out high school, which is as welcome as it is terrifying.

And I wonder, if the school knew about my blog and actually read it, if I would be even more of a social outcast than I am now?

[Everlong--Foo Fighters]

I like this song so much better in acoustic than the original.

Well! Today, because I was bored (though that was all day), I decided to re-organize my Stories bin on the computer. And I had a grand total of, dundundun: 138 stories. Yeah. One-hundred thirty-eight. If I actually finished and published all of them, I'd be a millionare even if they were terrible.

Anyway! After a lot of deleting, I am down to a grand total of: 25.

I amaze me.

[Cold Hard Bitch--Jet]

And now I'm bored, because no one has been on Facebook all weekend, and I want to do something interesting but I don't. You know what I want? I want to talk to someone. I want to see someone in front of me. And it doesn't even have to be one of my friends. It could be Basil. Or Apple. Heck, even Elaina. Someone unusual, who I don't usually talk to. Fugh, that's not going to happen.

I'm now going to write. Or something.

Oh! But here's a handy-dandy list of things I'm worried about, regarding high school:

1. High school. In general.
2. The bus! The bus almost more than anything else! Oh, God. I kinda act insane on the bus. I do NOT need that haunting me for the next four years. On the bus, you're not as nice as you are in school. Soooo, if mean seniors are going to make fun of my clothes or something, they'll do it there. And it's so awkward, walking up on the bus for the first time, when everyone can see you, kinda scanning the bus, looking at all those staring eyes, frantically looking for your friends, plopping down in the first open seat you find (or with your friends), worrying about sitting too far back (for a freshman, you know) or taking someone's seat, giggling like a maniac out of nervousness, saying hi (quietly!) to your friends, terrified of looking back in case anyone's looking at you, feeling self-conscious about the outfit you wore (I SHOULD'VE WORN THAT BLUE SHIRT!!! THIS GREEN ONE IS SO UGLY!!! FROM NOW ON EVERYONE WILL KNOW ME AS THE GIRL IN THE UGLY GREEN SHIRT!!! AHHHHH!!!).
3. Acting the same way I do now in school. I just can't do that again.
4. Having the mean teacher(s) that give(s) all the homework. I'M NOT DOING THAT, MAN.
5. Not having any classes with Basil/my friends.
6. Having classes with Basil.
7. HOLY SHIT. I'M GOING TO BE A FRESHMAN. WHAT IS WITH THAT, MAN??
8. Not getting the PERFECT outfit on the first day. Or looking ugly. Or not getting rid of my yuchy acne by the time school starts. Or, like, ballooning over the summer and getting pudgy or something X(
9. PRESSURE, MAN!!!!!

Bah. I can't think of anything else.

Oh, look what you've done...you've made a fool of everyone.

Oh, well, it seems like such fun, until you lose what you had won.

[The Mission--Puscifer]

I love Sims 2. It's a great distraction.

IT FINALLY SNOWED. I was beginning to think it never would. And it's, like, nine feet high. Okay, not. But still. I miss having a dog who loved snow, because Jake sure doesn't, and I'm pretty sure the cats wouldn't either. I haven't gone outside yet, because it's still snowing, because I don't want to get all my gear on, and because I'm no longer speaking to Vera and I'd feel silly all by myself. So, alas. Boredom.

[Almost Lovers--A Fine Frenzy]

I wish someone was online so I could DISCUSS things with them. Don't ask why I capitalized 'discuss'.

I wish I had a subscription to Seventeen. And National Geographic.

I am a sea of contradictions, aren't I?

[Look What You've Done--Jet]

From now on I'm going to bold the song the title came from.

Gah! Frustration. I have a bunch of snipits of story just floating around in my head, and I can't put any of them into words, let alone put them together. And I feel a bit heavy-hearted. Barghles. I'm off to play Sims and wish I had something substantial to say.

Why do you think I'm crazy? I'm just like everyone else.

According to Silver, one of the many reasons Basil is so bothered by me is: I am to HIM what Stalker is to her. And that's when I realized: HOLY CRAP SHE'S RIGHT! I'm the weird, socially rejected loser that no one talks to to them. CRUD.

[Look What You've Done-Jet]

Oh! And in English, in which I sit with Gross, Happy, Jon, and Sally, I mentioned how pathetic it was that in elementary school I liked, like, five different guys, when GROSS says, "Yeah, and now you only like one...AND HE'S STANDING BY THE DOOR!!!!" Guess who was standing by the door? Yeah. It was hilarious, of course, but I probably should've denied it or something. Not like they'd believe me or anything.

NOW FOR GRADES.

Art: A+ Follows expectations consistently

French: A Excellent progress, Is a pleasure to have in class

Humanities: B+ Good progress

Math: A- Good progress, Has improved over quarter

English: A- Good progress, Is a pleasure to have in class

Music: A

Gym: A+ Good progress

Science: A Excellent progress, Works well independently, Is a pleasure to have in class

I love being smart.

Even though Humanities is a, urm, blot...I'm happy as long as I don't get more than one B a marking period. And I find it kind of funny that Ms. Squidman (science) picked up on the fact that I hate people.

AND NOW FOR RECCOMENDATIONS!!! BOOYAH!!!

English: HONORS!!!

History: ....advanced *grumbles*

Science: HONORS!!!

French: HONORS!!!

Math: HONORS!!!

I don't think more needs to be said...:) Except that I'm taking Honors World Civ. (history/humanities) anyway, because it's not like history is my weak point, and I'd feel kinda silly taking all Honors except for that one class.

Oh, and did you know neither Creative Writing or Psychology are available to freshman??? Screw that! But it does open up Art for me, which I wanted to take but didn't have time for. And I'm not sure about lunch. Not sure at all. And I REALLY don't want to take all four years of Science or History, especially when only three years is required. But it looks good for college...bah! What do YOU think?

[We're Going to Be Friends--The White Stripes]

This song is unbearably adorable.

So! Along with a chocolate donut, my mom also brought me an issue of Teen Vogue, which made me realize just how unfashionable I am. I mean, I know I'm not exactly on the height of fashion, but I didn't think it was that bad. Did you know clogs, sequins, and bright colors are in? I sure didn't.

Now I want to go shopping.

I need this coat. NEED IT. As in, I will die if I don't have it. Unfortunately, I won't be able to use it till next year, when I might not even like it, or it'll be so out of style I might as well show up in a clown outfit! *sigh*...It's $52-somthing at Nordstrom's, which we all know is my favorite clothing store, aside from JCP.

So, I dunno, I'm kinda desperate for a change in high school. I hate being the weird-loser-in-the-corner person. I hate being insecure and embarrassed and afraid all the time. I hate being entirely dependent on other people. I hate acting like a freak because it's all I have to act like. I just want to be something different. And this is my last chance to do it.

I don't know why, but I really love these shows. They're 30 bucks at JCP, which is a bit pricey considering I'd be the one buying them. I dunno, what do you think? A bit too horrendous for public?

I'm off to Facebook to see if one of my friends are on. Toodaloo!

So they took to the trees, and they took to the skies...

Frankly, I'm bored. I'm bored with school and I'm just bored in general. Even little pockets of fun are too short-lived to make a difference. And you know what wakes me up? You really, really wanna know? Basil. Do you know how long it's been since anything's happened with him? Weeks. Do you know how long it's been since he's said a word to me? Months. No wonder I feel dead inside.

I'm really, really sorry to Lizzie and Natalie for not responding to your comments on my last post. I just couldn't think of anything to say. I'm in a bit of a mood, you see. And I'll probably respond later, but I can assure you that any form of comment would be
HOLY CRAP IT JUST DELETED HALF MY ENTRY!!!
I hate my compooter.
I don't remember what I said, so I guess I'll just start over...
[The Mission--Puscifer]
This song is majorly awesome. Like, seriously, go listen to it. I can't wait till I actually have some iTunes money and can buy it....
Whenever I listen to a song I imagine where it would go in a movie.
I'm having pizza and milk for dinner.
[Almost Lover--A Fine Frenzy]
So! Today Lolo and I overheard some girl saying she only liked ONE guy. And Lolo laughed when I said I only liked ONE guy (which I do). And she said I had a "thing" for other guys...like Apple and Daniel. Which I guess is true, but it's not the same. Haha, it's a facasseion.
[Look What You've Done--Jet]
I like this song. It's kinda pretty, kinda sad (except one part that ruins it). And if I say it's good, you KNOW it must be good! Listen, listen!
I was going to say something, but I forget what.
Oh yeah! I'm a sea of contradictions, did you know that? In the last post I pondered over how mean I am, but now I realize, sometimes I really do care. But only about a select few people--if one of my friends has a problem, I will go out of my way to help them (don't laugh, guys...I really will). Sometimes even if they don't want me to. And I hate the disappointment of others--this applies to anyone. Like, really, you had been planning something and it got cancelled? You didn't get that puppy your mom hinted at? You're finally happy and something goes wrong? I want to cry for you. I really, really do.
And, seriously, kids. Kids should never be hurt. All those kids in Haiti? Messed up. They, of all people, shouldn't have to go through that.
[Ricochet--Shiny Toy Guns]
This song is also beyond cool. I highly suggest you go listen to it, because if you haven't, you're not cool.

Where do you get off and how do I get there too?

[The Mission--Puscifer]
Well! I feel I should share something about myself that might surprise you.

I am a mean person.

What? Not shocked? Well, SOME of you might not be *coughLoloandNatcough*, but I know most of you are, esPECially my parents. I'll be mean to someone for no reason just because I don't like them. I'm apathetic to your problems unless they involve me. I never apologize for anything, even if I know I was wrong. And really, even though I let people tease me, if I could I would hit them so hard they're GRANDKIDS would hurt. 

And, to be honest, I kinda like being a mean person. I mean, I just like having the power to hurt someone. I guess that makes me a bad person, right? But I have a bit of a control complex. Maybe because no one takes me seriously. Maybe because I let so many things slide (and don't laugh, guys, I really do). Maybe I'm just that kind of person.

But, really, what bothers me the most is that I seriously don't care abut anything that doesn't involve me (or Basil, honestly). Do other people? I can't be the only selfish person on the planet.

And I hatehateHATE when I'm the bad person because I'm not the one crying. I HATE it when people act like victims because they either want sympathy or they can't handle anything calmly. I mean, I know everyone can't be like me (thank God for that!), but really, even though I ACT emotional, I'm really not.

[Percussion Gun--White Rabbit]

In gym, we have an awesome dance routine. It's an interpretive dance of going into the kitchen and making salad. Yay! And this is a completely different topic from the above. But nothing happened today. And I'm sad. So, so sad.

I'm trying not to think about you...Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance, my back is turned on you. Shoulda known you'd bring me heartache...almost-lovers always do.

What was that song on the new Pepsi commercial?

[Almost Lover--A Fine Frenzy]

I'm going to use this font today.

OKAY. Time to address something that's been bugging me for ages. I know you all mean well and are trying to make me feel better and honestly think you could be right, and I appreciate it, but here's the truth: Basil. Will. NEVER. Like. Me. And even if he got hit on the head really, really hard and fell madly in love with me, I will inform you when that happens. He doesn't RIGHT NOW. So please, PLEASE, stop suggesting that maybe I should just talk to him, that he's just shy, or that maybe secretly he likes me. I won't, he's not, and he doesn't. And it really, really hurts to think that if I had done something different, your advice might actually be valid. I'm begging you.

[Where Is My Mind?--Pixies]

So, we're getting both our report cards and our high school class reccomendations on Friday. Excitement! I'm a little concerned about math, because I'll probably not qualify for Honors (a B last semester, ugh!), and if I get a B again this semester, I'm screwed. Ew, B. Ew. And if Mrs. Halden does NOT reccomend me for Honors English, I will have a few fine words to say to HER!
[Look What You've Done--Jet]
Oh, and Debate was cancelled. Phooey. And then in the hall, I overheard Basil and Apple talking about how they didn't really wanna go lately. And then I realized I probably wouldn't wanna go either if they didn't, even though it was really fun last time when Basil didn't show up till the end.
Ohhhh! But I'm sitting on the opposite side of the lunch table now so there's NO WAY Basil can think I'm staring at him. I will NOT be called a stalker.
And that brings us to a complete circle, because me talking about that prompted the comment that prompted my rant about comments:

If you weren't staring at Basil, how would you know he didn't look your way?

Because, MOM (oops, I mean 'anonymous'...), he hates me. Remember? HE. HATES. ME. Can I not stress that enough? He hates me with a hate that is MORE THAN A FREAKING HATE

[and that is the reason, as all kids know,

in that school by the noisy highway,

that I am depressed at my crush's detest,

me and my dear Basil-y Lee]

Okay, so I had to work a bit at the end. Tell me if you can read it. Haha, his real name would actually fit perfectly there.
[Amphetamine--Everclear]
So. So. I wonder who I was in another life. Was I in the same situation? Was I exactly the same person? Was my life different? Was I rich, poor, ugly, pretty, smart, stupid?
[Ocean Breathes Salty--Modest Mouse]
It would be cool to be in a TV show.
No, I don't just mean an actor. I mean, have a TV show about your life. Because they have a lot of crappy shows about people's lives that no one cares about, so why not normal people? Ya know, like me? I think I could make my life interesting enough to be a TV show. I wish I could make my own, using my awesome video camera. Sigh. G'bye.

I never wanna see you unhappy. I'd thought you'd want the same for me...

[Almost Lovers--A Fine Frenzy]

This is my new favorite song.

And there are so many lines in it I could use as a title, I can't even begin to pick one.

Well well! I've done nothing productive or even remotely interesting. And, apparently being slumped over and bored means I'm depressed, because EVERYONE thinks I'm depressed. My friends do, my parents do, and now the co-teachers (ya know, like aids from elementary school?) think so too. Today, in science, whilst bored out of my MIND, Mrs. Lint actually called me out of the room to see if I was okay, if I wanted to move, that I looked stressed, etc. I was like "ummmmm.............". And then, later, Mrs. Satan asked if I was okay. Um, what???? Nat said I send off an "angry" vibe, not a DEPRESSED vibe.

In gym: dancing (read: humiliation).

I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bored.

Ringo is annoying.

[Wheels--Cake]

And I sat at the opposite end of the lunch table today so there was NO WAY Basil could accuse me of staring at him. I did not look over at his table ONCE during the entire half-hour. So THERE.

And Silver has a bad habit of shouting "RIKI-TIKI-SCHMIKI-WIKI!!!" every time Basil's within a five-foot radius. If you don't know, don't ask. Bah.

He must get some kind of great kick out of hating me.

And that is all.