You are so fragile.

I bet no one's ever called you that before. Fragile. But you are. I can see it. You're like a baby bird that fell out of a tree, helpless and lost. You're an ancient glass ornament: at the slightest touch you would shatter into a million peices.

[Kiss Me--Sixpence None the Richer]

Well! Yesterday was fun. I went to the mall with Ani! Yay. Haha, we've hung out maybe two (now three) times, ever. But I got these awesome blue/purple/black bangles AND the most amazing things ever, black-and-gray striped gloves without fingers on the top with this thing that goes over the fingers so they're MUFFINS!

Hah. I mean mittens. But they SHOULD be called muffins.

RINGO is getting on my nerves. Not that she never has before, but seriously, when will that idiot realize I am NEVER GOING TO LIKE HER? Let me share with you the conversation.

NOVEMBER 28TH

11:15 Ringo: Hey you there

12:03 Ringo: Hey you there

1:31 Ringo: Hey strawberry you there

10:23 Ringo: Hey guess what?

10:25 Ringo: Are you up?

10:32 Ringo: [Hey its Ringo]

NOVEMBER 29TH

8:29 Ringo: Hey are you up?

11:22 Ringo: Hey you up?

7:45 Ringo: If you wanted me to stop texting you, you should have told me.

Me: You should've taken the hint when I never texted back. Or maybe from the fact that I don't like you.

Ringo: Well sorry little miss know-it-all.

Ringo: You know I like you as a person but you know what I don't like is you trying to disturb my friendships and you take my friends away from me. [JEALOUS PSYCHO]

Me: Or you lose them. Did you ever consider that? What, are you jealous that I'm friends with Ani? Well, you should be happy to know we went to the mall tonight, and it was REALLY FUN.

Ringo: I'm not stupid [Really? REALLY, RINGO?] and I heard you got bracelets. Wow on you? Such a gay boy. [Never insult anyone when you're being recorded. Loser.]

Ringo: Oh and I didn't lose any of my friends I think you lost yours. [Is she serious?]

Me: You're not funny, Ringo. Ok? No one thinks you're funny. You can't get jealous whenever someone makes a new friend.

Ringo: I don't, you do. As soon as someone makes a new friend you always try to be friends with them too. [I swear to God she's talking about herself...]

Me: Me? Really? ME? I'm not needy or clingy. I don't try to make new friends. I don't care about new people.

Ringo: Then why'd you care about Ani the first day odf 6th grade if she was a new peson?

Me: On the first day I care but now now. And you're jealous. You really hate that Ani has other friends, don't you? And you have to be friends with them too, or else you have to act like you do around me? You're problem is that I don't like you, and you can't have anyone friends with [your precious] Ani that isn't friends with you.

Ringo: Not true at all [Yes, very, VERY true.]. So on the first day did you care about me too?

Me: Sure. It was only last year that I realized the extent to which I don't like you.

Ringo: So why do you not like me? And you've hated me since 6th grade.

Me: Let me write out a list and give it to you tomorrow. Bye.

Ringo: Chicken [SHE DARES CALL ME A CHICKEN???? SHE'S THE ONE THAT WILL ACT ALL SWEET AND INNOCENT UNTIL ONE OF HER "FRIENDS" SHOW UP SO THEY CAN DEFEND HER!]. Bye.

And here's the kicker...

NOVEMBER 30TH (today)

5:10 Ringo: Hey I'm sorry about all the times I've been mean to you.

Sorry, I had to go strangle myself with a live wire.

I detest stupid people.

And now I shall talk about colors! Haha, I was thinking about this before.

I would be silver. Or light, translucent blue (the color of my eyes). Happy or sad. Bright and festive or solemn and quiet.

Silver would be green. Dark, like forest green, able to stand out if you look for it but easy to pass over.

Basil would be bright orange, but a darker shade, like burnt orange, like fire.

Kim would be very dark purple, almost like midnight, but you could still tell she was purple.

Ani would be hot pink, the color of the hoodie she got from Macy's over the weekend.

Heather would be a very, very light shade of pink, like the color of blush.

Lolo would be burnt orange too, but not quite as bright as Basil, and much prettier :)

Happy would be sky blue, because she's Happy.

Daniel would be chocolate brown, kind of warm and happy, like his eyes.

Nat would be....well, I haven't decided on Nat, yet.

Marco would be orange, like his fur, the color of cremesicles, and Muddy would be golden-green, like her insanely gorgeous eyes.

Jake would be grayish-brown-black, like his fur.

Apple would be indigo.

Gem would be white.

And someone, somewhere, would be slate gray.

Oh, and I realized that I don't care if I'm respected, but I want to be feared. I feel like an evil dictator.

I. a. H.B.

Melania Escott is a romantic. She always has been. She's always wanted to find that perfect guy. And now she's resolved to find him...no matter what.

Chapter One-

I've always known soul mates existed. I mean, what would be the point of souls without soul mates? Isn't that the idea behind them? If soul mates didn't exist, it wouldn't matter who we were with.

In second grade, I had my romantic prospects all wrapped up. I knew who my soul mate was. Julian Baker. He had chocolate-brown hair and he let me use his crayons when I left them at home. The next day, I told him I liked him on the playground. He said girls were icky and walked away.

That was the first time I had my heart broken.

For three days afterwards, I chased him around the playground until he told an Aid and she made me stop.

He didn't lend me crayons anymore.

In third grade, I still thought he was my soul mate, but I began to notice other boys. One boy, Dustin Jacobbs, actually liked me back. We got married under the oak tree on Halloween, him dressed as Darth Vader and me dressed as a fairy. I liked him, yes, but I was confused. How could I like both Dustin and Julian? And how could Julian be my soul mate if I was married to Dustin?

So I decided that I was wrong, and Dustin was my soul mate. But that scared me. If I was wrong about Julian, could I be wrong about Dustin too?

That day at lunch, Dustin gave me half his M&Ms. That's when I decided that Dustin was most definitely my soul mate.

At that time, I had no concept of breaking up. It never occured to me that married couples might want to seperate. If you liked someone, why would you want to leave them? That's why, when searching for my soul mate, I used my parents as an example. They shared things, didn't they? They shared "bills" and sometimes they shared drinks. That's why Julian was my soul mate when he shared my crayons and Dustin was my soul mate when he shared his M&Ms.

In fourth grade, my parents divorced.

For months, I no longer believed in love.

Eventually Dustin forgot we were married and asked Michelle Porter out. She was the most popular girl in the fourth grade class and had hair the color of tomatoes. When I heard about it, I wanted to remind Dustin that we were still married. I wanted to tell him that we had never gotten a divorce, because then I would sound smart, because I knew what a divorce was.

I didn't.

Near the end of fourth grade, Andrew Alarono asked me out on a dare. I wasn't stupid then. I pouted and said, "No," and he returned to his laughing friends. That night, in my pink-and-green diary, I wrote down a list of things I knew about love.

1. Love doesn't last forever.
2. You could be wrong about who you loved.
3. People who are in love share things.
4. People forget who they love.
5. Soul mates DO exist.

I wrote "do" bigger and bolder than the other words, because I knew that someday, I would forget, and I needed to be able to remind myself before it was too late.

Have mercy on us all.

Ah! Did you know I have not one, but THREE soul mates??

It all started when I saw Blonde at the Farmer's Market. His nose was kindy pointy, like his face, but I thought: "Well. He's cute." He had blonde hair, too (hence the nickname). Then I thought: "Hmm. If I see him again, he is officially my soul mate."

But that seemed too narrow-minded. Why just that ONE boy? So I decided "the next cute guy I see will be my soul mate!"

But I began to despair, because the only guy anywhere near my age that I saw after that was ugly as heck. What if I didn't see any cute guys? Or what if my soul mate was *gasp* UGLY? But then, alas! As me and my mom were buying roasted peanuts, I turned around and came face to face with Blue.

Our eyes met, and I was jumping up and down (mentally) with joy because HE HAD TO BE MY SOUL MATE, and he had the most INCREDIBLE blue eyes (with the exception of Nick from last year).

But then I saw--oh no! He was wearing SWEATS. How could my soul mate ever dare to wear sweats in public?

I still thought that maybe he didn't have anything else to wear, but THEN. That's when I met Brown.

My mom and I were looking at phone cases when he asked, "Do you need help with anything?"

EEK. *dies* He was like a younger version of Blue, but with pale brown eyes, which I have never actually seen in real life before. He was even wearing a similar hat. *dies again*

BUT MY STORY ISN'T OVER YET. As we were walking down the row, I saw BLONDE again! Again. He noticed me and turned around as he passed, probably because he recognized me from the first time we saw each other.

So, let me ask you: who is my soul mate?

Why is the natural enemy of the werewolf a vampire? Why not a werecat?

I had a wicked dream last night. I was being hunted in this massive library by a bunch of guys (all guys) from school, and they were WEREWOLVES.

I'm not sure exactly why they were hunting me, but the intent was to turn me into a werewolf.

I was running between the bookshelves when Apple of all people finally gets me. Haha, you know how vampires bite people's necks to suck their blood/change them? Apparently, werewolves do too!

Anyway. Apparently, the enemy of the werewolves were not vampires, but wereCATS. And I could be bitten by both and subsequentially turn into both, or else a strange combination of the two. If one of them bit the other IN MOST SITUATIONS, the other would die.

That's about when I woke up.

But I think that's pretty damn awesome.

You could love me if you really tried.

The problem, of course, with moving to Vermont after college, is the cold. I like cold...just not a lot of it. I'm really more of a summer person.

One time, when we were talking, Kim compared us to winter (her) and summer (me). She thought it was ironic that I was born in the middle of summer, and she was born in the dead of winter, and that our personalities matched the seasons exactly.

Except I never thought of summer as shy...it could be quiet, certainly, or sad, but never really shy.

I would like to mention that the power went out at 11 while I was writing this, in the hour that it was out I made myself Goth with black makeup, black clothes, and black hair, and then I had to wash it all off because I was going out to do errands with Mother. It is now 4.

Sometime in the near future, I'm going to show up to school in all black.

Like, all out. Black hair, black makeup, black accesories. The only problem is that would require money, and I need money to buy presents (haha, I have presents for Ani and Nat already!).
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Accessories/Jewelry/Black-Metal-Knot-Ring-263239.jsp
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Accessories/Jewelry/Piano-Keys-Watch-126688.jsp
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Accessories/Jewelry/Black-And-Red-Checkered-Pyramid-Wristband-292006.jsp
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Accessories/Jewelry/Star-Heart-Bow-Moon-Earrings-6-Pair-184468.jsp
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Accessories/Jewelry/Black-Rhinestone-Bling-Ring-197878.jsp
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Accessories/TiesBandanasScarves/Grey-And-Black-Diagonal-Stripe-158469.jsp
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Shoes/Flats/TUK-Black-Skull-Print-Flats-358435.jsp
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Apparel/Tops/FashionTops/Black-And-Grey-Stripe-Keyhole-Top-298866.jsp
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Apparel/Bottoms/Denim/Tripp-Charcoal-PullOn-Skinny-Jeans-220048.jsp
Haha. Just for fun.
I'm going to see if I can do that and not smile the entire day.

Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a good night!
I just watched Amelie, and it was....weird. But the thing with the guy was cute.
I have officially started Christmas shopping.
And..........that's all.

Holy. Crap.

Taylor Lautner is so freaking hot.

I would've dropped Edward's skinny butt right then and there.

I mean, seriously? JACOB HAS, LIKE, A TWELVE-PACK! And Edward's SO skinny. Really, Bella? Really? Casper the Friendly Ghost over JACOB?

Lol. So, Aaron was in the same theater as me. Weird much?

And...that's all I can think of.

You wouldn't want to be me if you knew who I was.

That picture has absolutely nothing to do with anything. I just like it.

So......what has happened? Debate was not today. New Moon tomorrow. I'm starving. I just made a sandwich. It's delicious. Conceited people annoy me. I'm only good at one thing. And I want to post a picture of a puppy to be random, but it's not being random if you think about it beforehand.

Love me or I'll murder you in your sleep.

I don't speak; you don't know me at all.

I feel compelled to list the songs I've bought with my $25 iTunes gift card.

• TiK ToK--Ke$ha
• I See You--Mika
• Happy Ending--Mika
• Inevitable--Anberlin
• Russian Roulette--Rihanna
• Phenomenon--Thousand Foot Krutch
• Moving at the Speed of Life--Living Legends
• Darling--Eyes Set to Kill
• Satellite--Guster
• Rule the World--Kamelot
• Kiss Me Thru the Phone--Soulja Boy (shut up.)
• Hands Up--Lloyd Banks
• Control--Metro Station
• Shake It--Metro Station
• Face Drop--Sean Kingston
• Wolf Like Me--TV on the Radio
• Rag Doll--Aerosmith
• Yeah!--Usher

That's 18 songs, by the way.

[I See You--Mika]

[Happy Ending--Mika]

GAR. So apparently we can't have debate TOMORROW either. Mrs. Halden asked us if we could have it every other week, which I found out last week was because of another club she was in. And now she had to get the newspaper published tomorrow, so she can't do debate. I asked if she could find a substitute, but she said that would be pretty hard and I'm, like, 99% sure she didn't ask anyone.

[Russian Roulette--Rihanna]

There are a lot of Rs in that song.

I just realized. I'm not funny anymore =.=

Oh, and I re-like Daniel. I just thought I'd through that out there. You know, since we're clearly talking about that.

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I discovered MLIA three days ago and I'm already on page 40! They are HILARIOUS.

Oh, and Mystery Google is awesome. I'm afraid to do anything with the numbers, though, because I just know it'll be a friend of the person or something and I'll get in trouble X(

Or maybe I'm just paranoid. Whatevs, right?

Imma see New Moon on Wednesday! Woot woot? I think so.

Apparently Ani is too, so I should really ask her if she wants to go together.

I am currently having ramen noodles 0.0

[Phenomenon--Thousand Foot Krutch]

The movie Up is so sweet.

I just wanted to mention that.

Séparation tel est sucrée sorrow,that Je dirai sage - soir tiroir-caisse le être demain.

I have a dillemma.

And we all know how much I hate that word.

What is my dilemma, you ask? NaNoWriMo. I'm going to copy~paste this little explanation, here:

Actually (and I hate to say this, because there's only eight days left) I'm thinking of giving up my NaNoWriMo. Not because I can't do it (I can!), but because I genuinely don't like the story anymore. I like the beginning and I like the end but there's nothing in between but a bunch of scattered short stories. I just can't bring myself to officially end it because 1) my parents will be disappointed, and 2) I'll feel like a quitter. So, bah.

Well, there ya go. What do you think? Do I have a right not to be guilted into finishing something I don't want to finish? Or should I just try and work around the fact that my "story" is a joke of anything literary? I don't know. I just want to drown my sorrows in chocolate fraps and read poetry. I just need to take a shower first.

*tear*

So. Just so you know, in my NaNoWriMo, Alan dies. Yes, he dies. But, years later, when I'm getting married [to some guy named Nick, lol]:

The preacher’s words droned on and on, and I couldn’t concentrate on them—I could only concentrate on Nick’s lips. They were curled into a shy smile, and looked so tempting. I wanted to kiss him right now, before the vows were finished, but I knew I couldn’t.

How infuriating.

Somehow, I knew when to whisper, “I do.” And my eyes brimmed over with tears…tears of joy. I was so happy. I had never been happier in my life.

“You may now kiss the bride.”

I leaned forward, and my lips met Nick’s.

I had kissed him before, but this time was so much different.

I couldn’t breathe.

I couldn’t breathe.

After a long pause, he said, quietly, “You were supposed to kiss me.”

My eyes widened. “I thought you were going to kiss me.”

A smile flashed across his face, and our lips met.

It was incredible, to kiss Alan. I never felt more aware, more alive, more at peace. I felt…myself. Like I never had before. Like there was electricity passing between our lips.

I had never been happier. Never been filled with such blatant euphoria. There was

nothing in the world this could compare to.

The tears brimmed over.

I opened my eyes

and it wasn’t Nick there, no.

It was Alan.

He smiled, so softly, and whispered,

“Forever.”

Then he was gone.

In case you weren't sure, the italic part is Anna's first kiss with Alan. Aint it sad?

Dammit.

I don't want to write my NaNoWriMo anymore.
But I have to.
Dammit.
Stupid writer's block.
I have to write 5,000 freaking words in 5 hours.
And I can't write a single one.

I hope there's a mirror in your cell to break every day you wake up and take a look at yourself.

Now calm down, just another tear from the sad clown.

[Moving at the Speed of Life--Living Legends] <--new favorite song, by the way.

So! I need to write 5,000 words by tonight. Can I write 1,000 words an hour? WE SHALL SEE.

OMG I almost forgot to mention this: today, Silver was teasing me about Basil, when Alicia (who was near us) asked who we were talking about. Silver was like, "Oh, the guy Strawberry's madly in love with." and then Alicia kept asking who it was. I didn't tell her :)

Oh, and Happy finally got onto my blog! Hurrah!

I shall now share with you my grades.

[Hero--Nas]

Art: A+ Follows expectations consistently.

You best believe it, foo. Considering how much I doodle, art BETTER be one of my best subjects.

French: A Excellent progress, Is a pleasure to have in class.

Well, Mrs. Newman does love me :) or at least likes me.

Humanities: A Excellent progess.

I actually like humanities...even though we always have a crapload of class work...

Math: B- Mantains consistent effort.

BOO-FREAKING-YAH!!!!!!!!!!!

Haha, I was so scared I was getting a C in math, BUT NAY! FREAKING NAY! I GOT A B, SUCKAHS!!!!

Oh, and I got a 95 on the unit test we had yesterday :)

English: A Good progress, Is a pleasure to have in class.

You best believe it.

Music: A Good progress.

Haha, I fail in music. I'm so not musically inclined.

P.E.: A+ Good progress, Is a pleasure to have in class.

I must say, Mr. Cook is better than Mrs. House in every. single. way.

Science: A- Excellent progress.

You know it.

Technology: A+

Haha, it's impossible to get anything lower than an A in tech. I feel bad for Mr. Feeley. No one takes his class seriously =.=

And there you have it! So I'm not going to make my goal of getting straight A's for a year, but at least I didn't get a C!

Or an F, like Aaron *chuckles, shakes head sadly simultaneously*

You see, I have fairly easy expectations for the school year: don't get below a B-. For me, that's easy. Usually I don't get below a B+.

Oh, and I like to get on all the teacher's good sides (even if I'm not their favorite student). I've never had a teacher that actually didn't like me, because I'm quiet, smart, fairly obedient, and hard-working (at least in classwork). I think I only got Good progress in English because I tend to forget homework more in that class than any other (mostly reading logs, which are abominations), which I'm sure Mrs. Halden doesn't appreciate. But she can't argue with the fact that I'm a good writer, plus I wrote for the newspaper. I'm sure that, when she realizes I'm not writing any more articles, her opinion of me will fall slightly, but can she blame me? Really? I thought not.

[Everything I Ask For--The Maine]

Oh, and I like Daniel. I figured I'd just throw that out there.

I. FOUND. MY. AWESOME. HATE. It was in my backpack the entire time! Wtf! How did I not know that??????

*sighs*

[Moving at the Speed of Life--Living Legends]

Oh, and the song: Girl, I Wanna Lay You Down by Jack Johnson is quite possibly the funniest song ever. Except for this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OE2l6CPna4M.

This has been quite the long entry.

OH! And love poems. I found a site with love poems. BOO-YAH!

I want to break every clock; the hands of time could never turn again.

I would just like to point out that I just lost a game of Minesweeper with 8 bombs left.

Also, I didn't go to art club today, but it was soooooo worth it because the bus was fairly awesome :)

[Inevitable--Anberlin]

There's this sixth grader on there named Antonio who, for some reason, doesn't like me *wonders how that could possibly be* so I asked him why in a completely calm, reasonable manner.

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY DO YOU HATE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?!?!?"

And he said because I'm ugly with that annoying little smirk on his face >:(

I know he was kidding and all, but I, with my incredibly fragile self-esteem, took it very personally :(

Haha, so I asked Vlad, and he said I was "okay", Gem said I "wasn't ugly" and Brianna said "Of course you're not ugly, you're beautiful........on the inside."

I just now the best people.

[Russian Roulette-Rihanna]

Oh, and I'd like to mention that today Basil was wearing a light blue t-shirt with Pokemon on it. No, I am not a stalker.

Damn.....it's Thursday.

And now I must write.

(oh, and if it seems like I'm too forced, it's because Gem said she was reading my blog again....lol)
Oops, I forgot to mention: I am now sitting between Aaron and Stalker in French =.= BUT I had to pass Daniel on my way to my new seat and he whispered "Good luck" as I passed. Happiness :)

You can leave your friends behind.

Well! Today was interesting, at least. We went to the art museum!

Check dat sucka out.

Yup, we looked at French artists and discussed impressionism. We only got 30 minutes to look at all the other stuff, though, which sucked :(

We ate lunch in this park-ish place behind the museum with an awesome view of this awesome white house in the distance, with a single yellow tree out front that would make SUCH a good painting. Haha.

Since Mrs. Newman told us to 'dress nice', Basil, Apple, and Gross dressed up in suits :) So we dubbed them the 'Men in Black' (MIB). No, we're not lame at all.

I would just like to mention that neither Basil nor any of his friends look like them.

OMG, and on the bus, I was sitting next to Silver with Lolo and Ani next to us, AND THE MIB WERE RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. Gah. And then my friends were teasing me about being a stalker (which I am NOT) and Ani asked Basil if he thought I was a stalker, and he said, completely seriously, "Yes". GAH. THAT BOY THINKS I STALKED HIM.

*cries*

Besides that, though, it was a pretty fun day.

Throw your hands in the air, try to catch the truth.

[Moving At the Speed of Life--Living Legends]

I shouldn't be blogging. I should be writing. But whatever.

Mrs. Halden said 'damn' in LA :)

I feel compelled to mention that Basil was wearing a green striped shirt.

Oh, and the feild trip to the art museum is tomorrow! Yay!

I almost got detention today...because Mrs. Kinger is a complete---gah. *glares at unsuspecting passerby*

Oooh, the bus was fun! We fit six people into a three-seater :) Enjoyment.

[Hero--Nas]

I like this song, but I don't like how quickly it jumps into the song. Whatevs.

You leave, you try,
You laugh, you cry,
You dig, you lie,

You live, you die,
You will, you won't,
You feel, you don't,
You heal, and you crack,
and I promise still I got your back.

Wooooah, I feel just like we're losing control, but if you let go, I'll let go tonight.

I'm way behind on NaNoWriMo. Noooooooooes!

[Control--Metro Station]

I really should be working on that, but I felt like I should blog.

I really wanna talk to Kim.

SO. I learned something today. Something I don't want to post because I know my mom will read. Something that happened two years ago to a girl I don't know very well and can never really look at the same way again. Something she doesn't want anyone to know about because they'll make a big deal about it. Something that made Heather cry.

Huh.

Oh, and I found out that I deal best with problems by NOT dealing with them. Exciting, huh?

[Check Yes Juliet--We The Kings]

You know, when I envision myself in twenty years, I know exactly where I want to be: beautiful, secluded home in Vermont (with second homes in Paris, Italy, and Maine, preferably), with a quaint little family, two Princeton degrees (English literature and psychology, yay!), 5-10 books under my belt, and contentment (which is, after all, my life's goal...find absolution, yada yada yada). It's just that, when I try to imagine who I'm married to, I can't picture anyone, real or otherwise.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Oh, and for anyone who's confused: I have a CHIHAUHAU, not a SQUIRREL CAT. Gar.
[These Are The Nights--Making April]
OHYMGOD, haha, we played Blob Tag in gym. When the two taggers tagged someone, they had to hook arms, so the tagger-blob got bigger and bigger and the number of people running back and forth and crossing the gym got smaller, so there were less people to distract the massive blob of taggers from you. Haha, it was fun. At one point, I was the ONLY ONE on one side of the gym, and I actually made it across! Woot woot!
[Inevitable--Anberlin]
This song is so hauntingly beautiful, and it makes me so sad. Lonely. Lost. It reminds me of a wandering spirit, ancient and forgotten, who once loved and can never love again. The music perfectly describes the pain of life, the pain of love, the pain of forgetting.
And now I really want to talk to someone, to remind myself I'm not alone.

Do you remember when we were just kids,

and cardboard boxes took us miles from what we would miss?
School yard conversations taken to heart,
and laughter took the place of everything we knew we were not.


I want to break every clock.
the hands of time could never move again.
We could stay in this moment for the rest of our lives.
Is it over now hey, hey is it over now?
I want to be your last first kiss
that you'll ever have.
I want to be your last first kiss.


Amazing how life turns out, the way that it does.
We end up hurting the worst, the only ones we really love.


I want to break every clock.
the hands of time could never move again.
We could stay in this moment for the rest of our lives.
Is it over now hey, hey is it over now?
I want to be your last first kiss
that you'll ever have.
I want to be your last first kiss.


Is it over now hey, hey is it over now?
Is it over now hey, hey it's not over now.
I want to be your last first kiss
that you'll ever have.
I want to be your last first love
that you'll ever have.
Lying here beside me, palms and eyes open wide,
I want to your last first kiss
for all time.

I just wanted to say...

that this guy is a-dord-able.

And you can see my heart beating...you can see it through my chest. And I'm terrified, but I'm not leaving...I know that I must pass this test.

[Russian Roulette--Rihanna]

I just wanted to say that I love this song and I've been listening to it nonstop for hours. Oh, and

17,462!!!!!!

I'm really close to my second ten grand, and I needed about 600 words in two minutes, and I'm worried that I'm running out of story because I don't have 20,000 words yet and it's already been four months (in story time). But, if I continue to write 2,000 every day, I'll reach fifty grand in time!!!

It's cuz of these things.

[These Things--She Wants Revenge]

Shari's birthday party yesterday! Woo, fun. Haha, there were sixteen people there: me, Lolo, Nat, Kim, Silver, Ani, Genne, Gabby, Vetesi, Sanguine, Sam, Ringo, Kara, D (I forget her name, but it begins with a D...), Kates, and Alexandria. Haha, I was so loud :) And thanks to Silver, everyone there now knows who I like. Fuh. Whatevs. Everyone knows already, right?

Yeah. So, really really fun. And I watched Hairspray!

EDIT:

[After Every Party I Die--Iamx]

I GOT TWO NEW AWESOME PAIRS OF SHOES. Ch'yea.

I actually got these awhile ago, I just wanted to mention them.

These are quite possibly the best shoes ever!!! Ahaha, and they're all mine.

And finally these, which I'm wearing right now because they match my tank top. Only 4 bucks! CAN WE STAY STEAL?

Haha. I like shoes.

Next on the list:

This bag, except in lime green. I saw it in the mall and have been in love ever since :)

And finally, some sort of jacket (as in not a hoodie/sweatshirt and not a winter coat). And I REALLY WANNA GO TO THE MALL but I don't know who to ask. Gah.

Would you weep for me?

On my original idea, Basil and myself would [somehow] end up together.

I know, I know.

Then Kim told me of The Conversation, and I stopped being stupid and made it so Basil and Paula (Elaina) got back together (after a breif skirmish) and I was left feeling depressed. Then, at a dance, he talks to me, only to admit at the end that Elaina told him to, because she felt bad for me. Then, for awhile afterwards:

I walked away, but my head was not held high.

Hours passed into days passed into weeks, and sometimes, like bursts of light in an eternal darkness, I caught his eye and something invisible passed in the air, a feeling that was all at once entirely the same and completely different. And, for the first time, he was the one to look away first.

That, however, did not make me happy.

I was not happy, but in a strange, numb state of calm; there was a constant ache in my heart, but it was dull, muted. I was no longer in the thrashing sea; I was sunk beneath the surface, the storm above me, and contemplating my life with the calm of those who are about be pulled back into the gale but granted a moment’s peace. Just under the water, before being dragged back to the surface by the thrashing current, I was suspended in silence and numbness and the absence of thought.

How impossibly amazing that he could make me feel this way.

I was in a faraway place, devoid of the feverish emotions that drained the body and poisoned the mind; I was a spirit watching through an ever-twisting lens the dull planes of my life, and they seemed even grayer.

And yet they glimmered with a strange power, as if lit up from the inside.

I couldn’t help but hope I looked the same way.

Yes, I know it doesn't have much to do with the story, and I know it's too...poetic, I guess? But honestly, it's one of the best things I've written in a long time. So there. Disagree if you will, I suppose.

13,177!!!!!!!!!

Gollers.

So! Jenny said she'd read my blog. Yay? Indeed.

I feel like I should be extra-funny and entertaining, because she was just so excited to read it.

I really need to get back to my NaNoWriMo, but I feel restless and hungry and I can't seem to break 12,000. I don't know why. This is bad because I'm falling way behind and I should be at 14,000, but I'm not. Dilemma.

I'm listening to music, but I have no idea what song I'm listening to, so....

Indeed.

Ooooh, we're starting gothic literature in LA! Can we say awesome?

And Happy's back from vacation!

So....

I dunno.

It'd be too easy to say it, so I won't say it anymore.

I really need to be working on my NaNoWriMo, but I felt like I had to say something.

So! Something weird happened today. I was looking for Kim, because I wanted to apologize for a mini-argument yesterday, and then I found her, and then I was debating going over to there, and then I realized Basil was leaning against the lockers behind her, kinda glaring, and then I realized it looked like I was staring at him. Holy crap.

For some reason, it feels like something's changed. Shifted. I don't know. I hate waiting like this.

[Apocalypse Please--Muse]

Debate today! We debated whether or not Michael Vick should be allowed back in the NFL. My team got 'con', and GUESS WHO GOT PRO? Yup, they won, but I really don't mind. Apple is majorly hot.

Mall with Silver on the weekend? I sure hope so! :D

Wow.

All of a sudden he goes "Why does Strawberry like me?"

Kim: "I don't know, because you're special to her, I guess?"

Basil: "You know I'll never like her back." 

Kim: "I know; so does she, but she still likes you."

Basil "Besides, my heart belongs to another." *grins*

Kim: "Paula."

Basil: "Yup, I wouldn't go out with Strawberry for 500 million dollars."

Kim: "That's not very nice."

Basil: "I'm a mean person; she shouldn't like me."

Kim: "Well, too late."

I hate everyone.

[One Step Closer--Linkin Park]

Well, Basil-dearest. Maybe I like you because you hate me, and I have some mental disorder that makes me like everyone who hates me. Maybe I don't like you at all, I'm just obsessed with you, stalker-style. Maybe because you're fascinating. Maybe because---I don't know. What if I do?

Yes, Basil-dearest, I know you'll never like me back. I've accepted that long ago. Did you think I was naive enough to believe we ever had a chance? No, I'm not stupid. I know you hate me and always will, but it's not hope that keeps me hanging on. It's all you.

Oh my, dearest! Beware lest we bring up your significent other, Paula. Yes, she's very pretty, very nice, etc. and yes, we all know you like her. Oopsies, did you think that'd make a difference? Oh, silly Basil, how little you know. So, Basil, why don't you just ask her out and get it over with? We all know you want to. Oh, are you afraid she'd reject you? OH, POOR POOR BASIL.

A-ha! 500 million dollars you say? That is quite the hefty sum. It's a shame I'm not worth even that, but fear not! I'd not go out with you for 500 million dollars either. Do you want to know why, Basil-dearest? Do you want to know?

Because you'd be unhappy.

Eat that, bitch.

AHH! Dearest, of COURSE you're a mean person! How could you ever doubt I knew that? You're the meanest, most disgusting person I know, and I wish I'd never laid an eye on you. Is that to say I shouldn't like you? Indeed. Is that to say I don't? Heavens no.

Because, as Kim most rightfully said, it's too late.

[Flightless Bird, American Mouth--Iron&Wine]

*sobs*

Okay. Well. We got a new keyboard, and it is the awesomest thing ever, because it's shiny and black and new and I can type on it really well, which is good because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to.

I have about 9,500 words, but I'm so tempted to knock off at least a thousand because I'm so upset right now. In fact, I'm going to now. I'll count it afterwards.

....8,749. I need to make it to 11,000 by tonight, at least. Fun, fun. I should go do that.

Before you.......

[Unintended--Muse]

[Feel Good Drag--Anberlin]

I started to tear up as I wrote. Is that supposed to happen?

Maybe because it feels so real to me. There's no fairies or magic. Everything's real. Real people, real places, real memories. It's all actually happened. I'm not writing a story, I'm writing a bibliography.

Do you want to know what part I started crying at?

October 15th—Eighth Grade

“Does Anna still like me?”

“Yes. A lot a lot a lot.”

And then he stared. Stared, who knows why? Maybe he couldn’t believe it. Maybe he thought I was insane.

Maybe he was just sad.

I wouldn't know either way, but I can guess.

Oh, and for you stalkers out there, by name's not actually Anna. MY NAME IS PABLO!!!!11!!!1!

[All I Ask of You~Phantom of the Opera]
Apparently, by this point, we're supposed to have 11,000 words. Faug much? Indeed. My previous calculations were wrong, but whatever. I currently have

5,941!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WORDS.

I know this is where I belong.

It's absolutely gorgeous out. It's so cold and clear and vibrant...the breeze smells like freshness and cold. The sunlight filters through the orange and red leaves so beautifully here. The ground is green and brown and yellow and red.

This is why I love fall. It feels like home. I think, in my happy place, it's perpetually fall, with colors and sun and breezes and light and cold. I wish I could memorize how the sun outlines the trees, or the exact shade of the leaves when light shines through them, or the feeling of the cold on my skin, or the pattern of the dead leaves on the ground. There's nothing gray about fall, nothing depressing, nothing dark; only light.

3054 words!!!!

Ooh baby, don't you know I suffer?

[Supermassive Black Hole--Muse]

So, my NaNoWriMo. The story is this: I see Basil kiss Paula in the mall. That's the first scene.

The next scene? Sixth grade, when he steals my pencil and gives it to Staple.

The next scene? Sixth grade, when Thwin tries to set us up at King of Pizza.

The next scene? Sixth grade, the day I write in my diary that I like him and bemoan that I only have three classes with him.

The next scene? Present. I'm going into shock and quite possibly going insane.

I thought about his eyes. They were dark, stormy, unreadable. The opposite of a safeguard: instead of the anchor keeping me in place, they were the waves ripping my apart.
I thought about his skin. It was smooth and dark, like mocha or cappuccino. I had always thought it was funny because I hated coffee, and his skin was the color of coffee. Ironic.
I thought about his height. He was so tall, towering to six feet, and so skinny, like a beanpole. I had decided long ago that tall+skinny=hot. He was tall, he was skinny. He was hot. He was beautiful.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
“Anna…”
I shook my head again, trying to get that word away from me. Beautiful. It was hideous. It ripped me apart.
Beautiful.
Natalie grabbed my wrist and dragged me out of Armani. She pulled me away from the Christmas tree, away from Macy’s and Alan and Paula. She pulled me back to the shiny bench I had started from and forced me to sit down. I stared blankly ahead, not really absorbing anything. Everything was light and noise, meaningless fluff and meaningless drivel, and there was pain—everywhere pain.
“Is she going into shock?”
“I think so.”
Dana’s pale face was in front of me, blocking out the light. “Anna, what’s wrong? Why are you—?”
“She saw Alan,” Natalie said bitterly.
“Wasn’t that the point??”
“She saw Alan with Paula.”
Dana was quite for a moment, then she said, “But she knew he liked her. Why is it a surprise?”
“I guess actually seeing them…together…”
Her, she, he, knew, her, she, them, I, with. Words that were meaningless, words that tangled together in sloppy patterns to give comfort to comfortless creatures. One word stood apart: love. It was the worst of them all.

The next scene? Summer before seventh grade. This one is made up, but it's a very short conversation between me and a friend about how he hates me.

“He hates me.”
“Yeah, he probably does.”
At least she didn’t lie to me. I leaned back against the brick wall, absorbing that word: hate. It was the worst of them all.

The next scene? Seventh grade, first day, when I realize he's in all my classes.

The next scene? Present. We escape the mall and go to Chick-fil-a, where I drown my sorrows in root beer and waffle fries.

The next scene? Sixth grade, an actual diary entry obsessing over him.

The next scene? Present, if I could go back in time...

The next scene? Seventh grade, actual blog entry about when he wrote about 'Milli'.

The next scene? Present. I start my evil plan of telling everyone.

As you can see, there are many flashbacks.

So far, all but one are real. I'm using my Blog Archives and my two diaries as a referense, and the more I read them, the more I want to scream.

Oh, and sorry for all the crappy blogging.