Frozen inside without your touch, without your love, darling.

Only you are the life among the dead.
[Bring Me to Life--Evanescence]
[Haunted--Evanescence]
I don't have anything to blog about. Blogging just makes me feel less lonely.
So.
Say something.

Dammit. Not another one.

I would be referring to, of course, the year. This year. 2009. Last year I had something meaningful to say about the new year. Now I just have this: stop making vague resolutions you know you're not actually going to keep. Stop saying it's "gonna be different" this year, cuz it's not.

Personally, I can't think of a resolution I would actually keep. Not even little ones.

It seems like 2008 and 2009 where the same thing. Both so new and exciting. I still haven't gotten used to 2009. I mean, I liked 2008. It's such a round number. It seems warm and fuzzy, somehow. The number, not the year. 2009 was sharper, because of the 9. Now it's 2010. What am I supposed to think? It doesn't seem super-exciting. I mean, nothing does, but still.

There are all manner of things I should do. Nothing I'm actually going to do.

....

I want to be someone else.

Warning: bitter rant.

There are so many things I could call him, all which unsuitable for children's ears. And yet my heart beats like a freaking jackhammer whenever anyone anywhere mentions his name and I giggle uncontrollably whenever he's near....not for any reason, just being near him makes me happy...and what has he called me? Bitchy, selfish, loser. All indirectly too. And he talks about me to my own friends! Not just Kim, but Ani and Silver too. He talks about me to his friends. He asks Kim to pass on messages to me, instead of just being a freaking man and telling me what he thinks to my face. He acts like I'm doing this on purpose, just to bug him. He makes it his mission in life to ignore me, as if I'm some vile bug that'll go away if you don't look at it long enough! Really, is it so bad having me like him? It's not like I try to talk to him. I don't do anything to him. He's the one torturing me. Am I really that unpopular? That weird? That much of a freaking social pariah that he can't stand the sight of me? What did I do to him?

Is it because I'm not pretty or outgoing? Is it because I never have any expression on my face and I tend to stare? Is it because I turn beat red at the drop of a hat and giggle all the time? Is it because I'm not ultra-skinny and don't wear clothes from Hollister or Aeropostale and Abercrombie and American Eagle? Is it because I teased him in sixth grade (to hide the fact that I liked him!)? Wouldn't most people forget about that by now? What on Earth is wrong with me that he hates me so much?

I hate the idea that MiB talks about me at all, even if they don't. Even Apple and Mango...they're the nice ones...especially Gross, that freaking asshole I have the mispleasure of sharing two classes with. I hate that Apple knows everything...I hate that they think I'm completely obsessed with him, even if I am, and that whenever I'm talking about a boy I'm talking about him. I hate that I know nothing about him...all I know about how he thinks of me is through my friends, because he insists on pretending I don't exist. I especially hate that I remember almost every single encounter I've ever had with him. Like when he called me selfish (indirectly) and we locked eyes for about two seconds. Like when in science he was talking to Seagull and Seagull suddenly says to me: "That's so mean!" Like when he asked me out on freaking April Fool's Day, as if that would acclompish anything except tearing me to pieces. Like when I presented my persuasive essay (which was awesome!) and he spent the entire time slumped over his books, staring at the door. Like when Ani yelled at him in gym (even though I didn't ask her to) about not telling anyone I liked him, and he came back looking like, "lol, like i care??". Like when he kept asking me on Facebook who Tyler was, if I was really going out with him, asking me if he was real (as if I would make that up! ugh!), as if he actually gave a damn. And I especially hate how much I always miss him...how much I always want him to be there, how I'm always thinking about him, how I always want him to be there even if he despises me. Ugh! Then I guess I do know what's wrong with me. I'm obsessive and desperate and freak people out. God. I hate him more than I hate myself.

CHECK DIS OUT.

Well! Using ridiculously advanced math (it DOES come in handy!), I have discovered THE MOST IMPORTANT INFORMATION YOU WILL EVER HEAR.

Can you guess? No? Well I'll tell you: THE MOST PROFITABLE CROPS ON FARMVILLE.

Yes, yes, I know. You can't contain your excitement. You're leaping for joy. You've always wanted to figure it out but never got off your lazy butt and actually did the math. Well FEAR NO MORE! I've done it all for you! You lucky ducks.

1. GREEN TEA is the definite leader at a staggering 177 coins per day, but besides being gross (sorry tea lovers!), it needs harvesting every 16 hours, which is a little tricky for some schedules out there. Imagine green tea as a snobby, overpaid actor who you want to hire anyway because they're really, really good at acting.
2. GRAPES have been demoted from first at only 170 coins per day (still fairly formidable), but they also take up about 3/5 of my farm right now (my farm that is, I am proud to admit, enormous). They only take a day to grow, requiring minimal effort, and also, who wouldn't want grapes on their farm??
3. Following close behind at 165 coins per day are SUNFLOWERS, the happiest flower of them all (and Silver's favorite flower, coincidently). Sunflowers are the ONLY flowers on the list, which may surprise some people, but they are pretty awesome, so I think third place is well deserved.
4. In fourth today we have none other than GHOST CHILI, which can also be difficult for schedules because it needs harvesting every 6 hours. However, this bad boy rakes in 164 coins a day, missing out on third by only a point. Imagine it as green tea's less-talented-but-slightly-cuter younger brother.
5. COFFEE has stolen fifth place with 163 coins per day, but as with green tea, it takes a bizarre 16 hours to grow. Now, coffee is talented enough, but not worth the investment of time if you can't check your farm at 2 in the morning every night. Coffee, unfortunately, is a green tea wannabe, which only gets it in fifth place in the standings.
6. A major drop down from fifth is CARROTS, which trails behind out only 150 coins a day. However carrots, like grapes, only take a day to grow, which makes them much easier to handle. We can all see that carrots tried their hardest, but just couldn't keep up with the big contenders.

Honorable mention: Pattypan Squash fell short at 121 coins a day, and it as well takes 16 hours to grow.

Note: I didn't compensate for schedules while doing the math. The exact amount of profit you get will vary depending how often you check Farmville...if you check it religiously, like me, then you'll get quite a bit :) Oh, and the amount of coins is for one block. So if you're entire farm is made of green tea and you check it every 16 hours, you'll be rich as all get-out.

Also note: I'm on level 28, so they're are probably some crops I haven't unlocked yet that are worth more.

BEWARE: CROPS LIKE WATERMELON, WHEAT, PINEAPPLES, ARTICHOKES, COTTON, CORN, AND POTATOES MAY SEEM LIKE THEY GIVE YOU A LOT, BUT IF YOU DO THE MATH THEY ONLY GIVE YOU AN AVERAGE OF 44 COINS A DAY!

If I told you I loved you, what would you say?

Sometimes I think my friend is right. I'm just deluded myself into thinking I like him. I want to like him. I guess that's true, to an extent. I need something to think about. I need someone to occupy my mind 24/7. I love thinking about people...I guess that doesn't make much sense, but I do. But really. He's the one that constantly gives me something to think about. He's the one that fascinates me on a daily basis.

If I have someone else to think about (Tyler, for instance [haha...haven't mentioned him in a while]) then I'll momentarily forget him. But as soon as that other person is gone, I go write back to him. He's the default.

Ugh!

Well! I finished not one, but two books today! And they would be: Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen and City of Glass by Cassandra Clare. For the first one, I liked it, but it was a bit, er, graphic, and it made me detest even more the idea of getting old. Buuuuuuuuut it was written really well, so. As for the second one, I loved it (even though I thought it played out a little too perfectly...) and I LOVED the entire scene with Raziel (I have a slight obsession with angels...lol). I wished Clary had given more thought to the fact that a heartless demon was her brother, but besides that, it was pretty darn awesome :)

And that.....it all I have to write about.

See that girl with the lights coming up in her eyes?

I love having Mudball on my lap. She's like a big, warm blanket. Haha.

[Boston--Augustana]

Well. I'm bored. Mind-numbingly so. You know what I don't get? Yesterday on Facebook I posted a status:

Bored. Out. Of. My. Mind.

And since then, two people 'liked' it. What?

Really, why on EARTH did you like that I was bored? Or did you mean that you agree and you too are bored? Or am I just hilarious? Wow. Way to fail.

Haha, I guess it wasn't that bad, I just wanted to say "way to fail".

By the way, the two people that liked it were Bruce and Annie.

And I am missing SOMEONE but it's not Basil. Um, wow, that's the first time I've thought about Basil all day. It almost seems like I shouldn't mention him now, because HIS NAME IS A PLAGUE ON ALL MANKIND I'm breaking some sort of record or something. I should get a cookie!

I did absolutely nothing all day. I've been meaning to do my humanities homework, but seeing as I have absolutely no iniative, it did not get done. Sigh. Oh well. Someone remind me to do it.

Oh, and for all you lovely people who commented on my last post, if I don't comment back, it's not your fault. I'm just lazy.

Some will win, some will lose.

I have absolutely no idea when school starts.

Well! The last two days were indeed fun. Vera, for Christmas, got me The Sims 2: Bon Voyage (which is well received), and a....uh....New Moon calendar. I know, I know. And last year she got me a horse calendar (which I have not been obsessed with since elementary school). Is she trying to make a habit of getting me calendars of things I kinda-like-but-am-not-very-interested-in?

Yesterday I hung out with Lolo! :D We went to the mall for, like, two hours, during which we did a lot of walking and talking but not a lot of shopping, and Lolo tried a mocha frap and liked it. Then we went SWIMMING. Well, Lolo did. I tried, but alas, no. But I like being in water. So whatever. And then we hung out at Lolo's house for a couple hours, played an awesome card game, and had fettucini alfredo. It was a good day.

Today was Gigi's party, but I had to scramble at the last minute for her gift, so bleh. While there, though, I did make several clay figurines, which is always of course enjoyable.

I really, really need iTunes money! I have to buy apps for my lovely now iPod Touch, and preferably a lot of them, but my parents want me to spend my $30 Best Buy gift card on a phone case that I do NOT need or want, which sucks. Bah! Phones look weird with cases anyway. BAH!
So, I keep remembering this story I made up one time, actually to go into another story. I didn't think much of it then, but now I am....a human named Eliza, who lives in the kingdom of Sheall, falls in love with a fairy soldier named Jakkob. Of course, this is a little frowned upon, seeing as humans are considered lesser by the fairies and fairies are considered just plain enemies by the humans. Anyway, their secret love progresses, and Eliza has a dream that Jakkob proposes to her, so naturally she thinks this is what's going to happen. BUT, when he meets with her the next night at the gates of Sheall, he tells her he is leaving her for the fairy princess, Morganna.
The rest of the story (it is a short story, after all), is Eliza wandering around Sheall, contemplating how hopelessly in love she was with him. It doesn't really have an ending; it's maybe 10 pages long, but I really like the idea.

So. Good night. Have a wonderful winter break, etc etc, and I shall post something a little less short later.

:D

Merry Christmas!

I must say, it was a rather good haul this year :)

• AN IPOD TOUCH. I KNOW RIGHT???? Ahahaha. I'm so happy about this, you cannot fathom. I feel like one of the cool kids now :) UnFORtunately, it decided to stop working all of a sudden, so we now have an appointment at Apple tomorrow at 9:30 to get it fixed
• A FREAKING VIDEO CAMERA. I am SO excited! Haha, like, really, I actually asked for this, and I actually got it! So now I need to find something to take a video of, haha.
  I kindasorta want to take videos at school and turn it into some kinda project (like a documentary!) but, unfortunately, that's not allowed, because you can't video tape people without their permission and everything........and that's banned at my school anyway, so I'd have a tough time convincing Mr. C to let me. But wouldn't that be cool? I think it'd be cool.
• A kazoo! You know, the thing that you have to hum into and that makes a really, really annoying buzzing sound? :D
• A MINI ETCH-A-SKETCH! WHAT NOW, BOY?!
• Two scarf-hat-gloves sets, one pink and one striped :)
• This set of, idk stuff, like: Gingerbread Latte body lotion, shower gel, and hand lotion, and Hot Cocoa shower gel and hand lotion. It. Smells. So. Good.
• A "pocket-sized" soduko book with awesome new pencils to go with!
• Ah-mazing socks with fuzz at the top :) My gawsh, I love them.
• Chocolate!
• And for our lovely Christmas Eve tradition: a sparkly-ish purple tank top and purple pajama bottoms with multi-patterned pine trees and ski lifts! Sooooooo cute.

I'm probably forgetting a few more little things that were in the stocking, but whatevs, it's all good :) Merry Christmas!

Oh, and bytheway, I have a busy weekend planned! :D Tomorrow at 12 I'm going to the mall with Lolo and then we're going to a pool so she can teach me how to swim, and on Sunday I'm going to Gigi's birthday party. I have a life! Finally!

Merry Christmas!

Here's a freaking teddy
bear with a bow,
and some candy to make
your spirit grow.
I hope you enjoy this
holiday season.
If not I'll give you
a reason...
It's a time of joy
and you get lots of
toys!
You hang out with
friends and sing
songs--about 12 hens!
It's a magical
time full of mystery
rhymes!
If you don't like
your gift I'll
give you a lift
and we can go to
the store to buy
more...

Thank you Lolo for the lovely poem attached to my present!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

http://www.noradsanta.org/

I know I'm in love but I can't get over my fright.

Auntie One-Flag sent me not one, but TWO gift cards! One for iTunes for $15, which I currently have $1.28 on (lol), and one for J.C.Penney's worth FIFTY dollars!!!!!!!!! Haha, I am going online shopping.

I feel like I've saved money :) I actually got 15 songs on iTunes, and they consist of:

• 
  
  Your Call - Secondhand Serenade
  
• Boston - Augustana
  
• Kiss Me - Sixpence None the Richer
  
• Tainted Love - Marilyn Manson {I like this version better than the original!}
  
• Never Let Me Down Again - The Smashing Pumpkins
  
• Blue Monday - Orgy
  
• The Metro - System of a Down
  
• But Not Tonight - Scott Weiland
  
• Message of Love - Saliva
  
• Bizarre Love Triangle - Stabbing Westward
  
• 99 Red Balloons - Goldfinger
  
• I Melt With You - Mest
  
• If You Leave - Good Charlotte
  
• Please, Please, Please - Muse
  
• Somebody's Baby - Phantom Planet
  

In case you happened to recognize that collection of songs, I bought the soundtrack to Not Another Teen Movie! [That would make the second album I bought without listening to all the songs first--haha. I like this one more than the Twilight album.] I REALLY love it so far. Haha, I'm up to Bizzare Love Triangle.

I LOVE Christmas. I love buying presents. Haha. I never gave Kim her present, but oh well. Nat, Ani, and Silver all loved their presents :) especially Silver, but I knew she would. And Lolo got me a teddy bear and a box of *fancy schmancy accent* Ferrero Rondroir, which is WAY better than I thought it would be, and very good. And Nat got me clear mascara, since I'm blonde and it looks weird when I wear black mascara, and I'm currently wearing on one eye and not the other ;P

We watched The Miracle today in school (it was a half day, you see) which was another sports drama and thus was exactly like every other sports drama on Earth. They really are all the same, except in each one the Big Important Lesson was. In Remember the Titans, it was overcoming differences; in The Miracle it was overcoming outstanding odds. The Big Important Lesson wasn't even that different, actually.

After months of griping about how nothing exciting ever happens to you, your friends will suddenly need to remind you that you've been wishing this on yourself -- and to be quiet. Not that you'll mind. It's all about relationships taking surprising turns -- quite possibly because you've decided the old ways don't suit you anymore. You may have some explaining to do.

Hah! I wish. I read that this morning and was hoping beyond hope it had something to do with Basil, but alas, nothing even happened today. Well, Kim said she was going to tell him I called him a bastard (after his adorable little "message" last night), and I certainly hope that gave him quite a lot to think about, but SHE IS NOT ONLINE. I can't even ask her if she did or not. Or apologize for forgetting to give her her gift.

I FORGOT TO BUY VERA SOMETHING. Like, seriously, I didn't even think about it. So I show up at her house this morning like I always do, and she informs me that she's going to give me my present on Christmas, since we're neighbors and everything. And I'm like, ".........yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah. Imma give you your present then too!" And now I have no idea what to get her, and tomorrow is Christmas Eve {!!!}, and I feel horrible for forgetting in the first place. I wasn't even sure she was going to get me something. GAH.

Now I'm going to finish my lovely new album (I'm on Please, Please, Please!) and look at the clothes on jcp.com :) Then I shall FINALLY decorate my tree!

Kim: listenlistenlistenlistenlistenlistenlistenlistenlistenlistenlistenlistenlistenlistenlistenlistenlistenlistenlisten!

basil asked me to gve you a message

Me:
WUT?

Kim:
if you really like him, stop liking him

Me:
omgomgomg i dont wanna hear it!

Kim:
um, i already sent it


Me:
what? ok.....im scared. is it bad?


Kim:
I ALREADY SENT IT SCROLL UP



Me:
oh.......damn it. that bastard.


Kim:
btw, he's dating emily now




I think I'm handling this whole thing rather calmly, thank you.

In my mind....

[Careless Whisper--30h!3]

See, I just realized that there was work due on Tuesday, and today was Monday, so it's due tomorrow. Oh snap.

Someone please inject me with a work ethic.

NO SCHOOL TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tell me you love me, tell me you'll stay.

My head is buzzing right now. There's so many things I want to say.

I finally got tired of changing my blog title constantly, so now it's going to stay.

I want to be comfortable. I want to be in sweats and a tank top, sipping hot chocolate in front of a warm fire, underneath a blanket, both cats (and Jake) curled up against me, maybe reading a good book. But right now I'm barefoot, my damp pantlegs are rolled up, I desperately need a shower, and I'm sitting in an uncomfortable rolly chair typing.

My dad seems to think that all my friends secretly hate me and/or are plotting against me. Like, if someone's doing something else and can't hang out, he acts like they just don't want to hang out with me. Like, really?? Way to make me feel better about myself. Why is it so hard to understand that I DO have friends that, for whatever reason, actually like me?

I really want to write a story about regular people. No one beautiful, no one magical, no one powerful. Just people.

Her name is Alexandra Catillo, she's slightly overweight, has longish blonde hair, brown eyes, and acts Goth so she has someone to sit with at lunch. She has an eight-year-old brother named Eric who's obsessed with pirates (or something) and two homely parents who dated in high school (or something). She has a crush on Daniel Janges, the cute quiet boy who sits in the back of the class and doesn't talk to anyone, because she doesn't like to talk to people either. She's generally lethargic, hates the color red, wishes she could be popular, and turns bright pink whenever she thinks someone's looking at her. She likes to be outside, likes to be warm, but doesn't like wearing short sleeves because they expose her "massive" arms. She has a wide mouth and a small nose. She's that girl you know but don't really know. She's that girl that wishes she could be you cuz then she wouldn't have to be her.

I'm now going to take a shower and try very hard not to think about tomorrow.

Oh, and last night I had a dream where a whole bunch of people I knew (Happy, Aaron, some fat chick I didn't know, Basil, Apple, and some other guys) all went on a boat. I was messing around with my friends, running around the boat, when I collapse in a seat across from Basil. He then proceeds to tell me he hates me, he will always hate me, and I should stay at least three feet away from him at all times.

I want to say "I know" or ask him why he hates me but I can't speak. I just stare straight ahead, numb, cold, alone, trying not to feel his eyes burning holes through me.

Then, in school, I start to cry.

When I woke up, I cried too.

Wonderland 2

I'm cold.
I'm alone.
But by God, I'm alive.

Wonderland.

IT SNOWED.

Do you know what this means? It means I have to take a shower, dress in my warmest clothes, dress Jake in his sweater, take the camera, and go outside. WOOT WOOT.

You don't know me, and you don't even care.

You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains.

[Boston--Augustana]

I love this song. It makes me so sad.

I know, I know, all this crappy blogging has got to stop. I'm just so, I dunno, apathetic. Depressed. Bored. I don't know. I need something to think about. Something long-term.

I had an awesome dream last night about the vampire apocalypse. They had yellow eyes and were all strong and fast and everything and could go out in daylight and we KICKED THEIR BUTTS. Boo-yah.

[My Immortal--Evanescence]

I'm not going to the dance tonight, because literally NO ONE else is. Nat and Ani are going to youth group, Kim didn't even know about it till today, and for Lolo and Silver it's the last day of Hanukkah. Like, WHAT? I LOVE dances, but I've missed the last two because NO ONE ELSE HAS GONE.

*growls*

You used to captivate me

by your resonating light;

now I'm bound by the life you left behind,

Your face, it haunts

my once pleasant dreams.

Your voice, it chased away

all the sanity in me.

These wounds won't seem to heal,

this pain is just too real,

there's just too much that time cannot erase.

[The End.--My Chemical Romance]

Today, something awkward happened 0.0 I was walking down the hall to the bathroom, when who should start in the opposite direction but BASIL. We both saw each other, both pretended we didn't, and both were thinking God know's what as we passed each other in the silent, deserted hall. Awkward much.

I hope he realizes that I don't like him, I'm obsessed with him, and there's a HUGE difference.

Strawberry out.

I didn't dream about him.

I dreamed about the vampire apocalypse.

He was in it, though.

So were zombies.

I was born to tell you I love you.

Sorry for all the crappy blogging. I'm feeling very unmotivated.

[Boston--Augustana]

Well! There's a dance tomorrow. Yay! I love dances. And Christmas is in, like, a week! I just wish it felt more like the season. I wish it felt more like anything.

I feel empty inside. Like I have nothing to think about. Because I'm not thinking about him.......well, I am, but in a different way.

I guess I owe you an explanation.

It started in French yesterday. Silver and Ani were working together at a table when who should come over but Basil and Gross. Gross asks Ani: "Do you know who Basil likes?"

"Yeah. Paula."

Then Gross says, jokingly, to Basil, "Hey! You know who likes you?"

"Yeah. Strawberry." *throw-up sound*

"Man, I feel so bad for you. Ani, do you feel bad for him?"

"Yeah."

"Isn't Strawberry your friend?"

"Yeah."

"And you still feel bad for him? That's pretty pathetic."

Can you see why I'm so upset?

It figures I would dream about him.

falling in love with me

Normally, I'd be so excited.

Now I'm just sad.

And angry.

I'm so angry.

I think something has finally snapped.

I hate him.

I. Hate. Him.

I hope he knows it.

I need to escape.
IneedtoescapeIneedtoescapeIneedtoescape.

This scene has gone on too long,
and I'm sick of the heartbreak.

Hard to be sure, sometimes I feel so insecure. And love, so distant and obscure, remains the cure.

Facebook groups depress me. They remind me just how like everyone else I am. Or maybe that's a good thing?

Anyway. I remember in sixth grade, Happy told me I was her one true friend (Happy, if you're reading this, you really did! I wrote it down in my diary!). Then in seventh grade we kinda drifted apart, but now, according to her, I'm the only person she can talk to about her crush and not feel awkward! :D That makes me happy.

Basil still hasn't been in school X( I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Lolo thinks that if he were gone for, say, two months, I'd forget about him. I just don't know. I guess so?

I desperately want to write, but literally nothing is coming to me. It seems the more I read, the less inspiration I have to write, and that makes no sense to me. They always tell potential writers to readreadread, but really, reading just depresses me now. It reminds me that I'm not nearly as good as these people on shelves, that I'll probably never get published, and so really what's the point?

*sigh* I have to write. Something. Anything. I have to write. Whatever happened to EAT BREATHE DRINK WRITE!!! ?

By the way, these songs lyrics really struck me:

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...

Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,

This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah.
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah.

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah.
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah.

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly 'em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah.

Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah
Where no one knows my name...
Where no one knows my name...
Yeah Boston...
Where no one knows my name.

-Boston, Augustana

So they'll still talk about us when we die.

Well! It was a day of much sickness and headaches. I've had a cold since Kim's house and needed to blow my nose pretty much every five minutes. Poor sleeve. But French was fun :) Me and Lolo are writing a script.

Me: I like a guy but he doesn't like me!

Lolo: Call him.

Me: He hates me!

Lolo: Forget him!

Me: I CAN'T FORGET HIM!

Lolo: Move?

Me: I CAN'T LEAVE HIM!

Lolo: Ok....

Me: HELP ME!

Lolo: I can't help you. Weirdo.

Me: *sobs*

Lolo: I have a problem too.

Me: *sobs*

Lolo: Someone named Strawberry keeps calling me.

Me: I'm listening.....

Lolo: She called me when I was riding a bike and when I was sleeping.

Me: I'M Strawberry! I called you when I couldn't sleep.

And that's as far as we got :)

Sometimes I wish I could music as a title instead of just lyrics, because sometimes it's not the lyrics I want you to hear, but the way the music sounds. I dunno.

New theme song: Say It by Blue October.

Oh, and Basil wasn't here today. I didn't feel quite as hopeless as I did last year. Maybe because I only have one class with him, so I'm used to not seeing him a lot anyway? I dunno. Whatever.

It’s all about steam.

It’s all about dreams.

It’s all about making the best out of everything.

You’ll know when your fine,

'cause you’ll talk like a mime.

You’ll fall on your face,

you get back up and you’re doing fine.

“A considerate clown, a preachy preachy machine”

is one of the sweetest things you would say about me,

but I don’t have the time for your distorted esteem.

Why are you toying with my mind?

I don’t wanna hear you

s-s-s-s-s-s-s-say it.
Now you’re messing with my pride.

Look, you think you’re smarter than me.
Well, everyone knows you will never be smarter than me.
That’s how it goes.
I gained forty pounds because of you!
Was there an “S” on my chest?
Well I confess, you were too much stress;
I’d have a heart attack at best.
So now I breathe it out, I breathe it out,
I spit it on the crowd cause they lift me up, they lift me up, they lift me up.

When I’m feeling down...
What am I spitting out? Spitting out, something we never talk about.
It’s called my…mind.

I don’t wanna hear you
s-s-s-s-s-s-s-say it.
Now you’re messing with my pride.

I’m sick of standing in your line,
so now you’ll have to take it--
take this to heart.
I will never let shit fuck me over.
Stop talking down to me, your war is old,
your game is over...
So here’s my coldest shoulder.

I don’t wanna hear you
s-s-s-s-s-s-s-say it.Something we don’t talk about.
Now you’re messing with my pride.

Something we never talk about.
Something we never talk about.

I wish I could remember why I fell in love with you.

I already know why, of course. I just want an interesting title.

Where do I begin?? I had a sleepover with Kim last night! We watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which was super-emotional, had the most amazing teriyaki chicken EVER for dinner, went on Basil's profile on Facebook (since he's not one of my friends, so I can't religiously view it every other day....*tear*) and played a fashion designed game till 4 in the morning. We played every multi-player Wii game Kim owned and had delicious, delicious bacon for breakfast. Her dog, Tally, didn't like me. I managed 6 hours of sleep, my nose was congested, my mom picked me up at 1, and she got Mountain Dew for me on the way back!

I played Sims 2 a lot today, and in my town of Lonely Singles, not everyone is single anymore :) Anyone who plays knows that the cg's are always SUPER ugly, but this time, they weren't! So no one is matched with someone I made, but two people are matched with cg's. These couples would be: a pregnant guy who's obsessed with science but wants to be a doctor and a blonde-haired-tan-skinned gym teacher AND a player who's obsessed with parties and popularity and a short-haired blonde gypsy-girl. I love Sims.

Oh! And in Barnes and Noble (where I was reading Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac) I was walking past this group of three guys (my age) and one of them said "Hey." Apparently they recognized me from elementary school and actually remembered my name, whereas I recognized them but had no idea what their name was. One of them, who I'd never seen before, was really cute. Just sayin'.

Dear Rosa [a.k.a. YOUR HIGHNESS],

I wasn’t one of those who joined that hateful group on Facebook, but I was so moved by what happened I felt I should write a letter as well. I think it’s deplorable that ANYONE would purposely bash a sister-school like that. Don’t they know we’re all in this TOGETHER? I feel like part of my soul has been ripped out. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see a member of Dosa International, I see someone who doesn’t deserve to go to such a great school. KARUTZI IS JUST AS GOOD AS DOSA, IF NOT BETTER. In fact, they are SO great, we should all transfer over there and give up our school as a home to orphans in Uganda! Then we’d REALLY be a school of character!

When I was in elementary school, I had my sights set on Dosa from the very start. There was no way I wanted to go to Karutzi. If the reputation of gangs, drugs, and violence weren’t enough, and the better academics and behavior of Dosa in general wasn’t enough, then most certainly the fact that all the people that tortured me in elementary school were going to Karutzi. But now I see that I was wrong! I am most certainly a terrible person for ever believing that Karutzi was anything but perfect. I thought Dosa would be the best path for my future, but not I see that DOSA is filled with a bunch of hateful, inconsiderate people and those poor, poor Karutzi kids have to deal with a bad rep all the time.

I think the entire school should be ashamed of what has happened, not just the vile members of society that joined the group. We all need to hang our heads low and realize that WE ARE ALL BROTHERS AND SISTERS. WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER. To make up for the atrocities that have taken place, we need to join together and go to Karutzi and apologize to them FACE TO FACE, let them see the remorse in our eyes, and know how deeply ashamed we are of our actions. After all, they’ve NEVER had ANY bad thoughts for US, EVER!!!!!!1!!!

Your most obedient servant,

Strawberry Shortcake

You won't read that book again because the ending's just too hard to take.

Amen to that.

If I were to smell the love potion from Harry Potter 6, it would smell like: fresh paper, an eclectic collection of spices, something citrusy (like oranges), the heat from the oven, bacon, cheese, coconut-and-pineapple soda, brownies in any stage of cooking, ink, air, and nature.

CURRENT PLAYLIST:

1. Careless Whisper by Alex Gaskarth, Juliet Simms, 3OH!3
2. Say It by Blue October [NEW THEME SONG]
3. What Hurts the Most by Cascada
4. Your Call by Secondhand Serenade
5. Boston by Augustana
6. Dust in the Wind by Kansas
7. All By Myself by Eric Carmen
8. Down in a Hole by Alice in Chains
9. As Tears Go By by The Rolling Stones
10. Love Hurts by Nazareth [I RECOGNIZE THIS ONE FROM A COMMERCIAL]
11. The First Cut is the Deepest by Cat Stevens [IF YOU THINK YOU RECOGNIZE THE NAME, YOU'RE RIGHT, IT IS THAT SONG]

So! What has happened today? Ummmmmmm, nothing.

Apparently, on Facebook, so Dosa and Flecka kids made a group basically slamming Karutzi (all middle schools; Dosa is ours). Then some loser from Karutzi had to report it to Mr. C, our principal, and he gave us a long speech on the morning announcements about how we were a school of character and we should all be ashamed of ourselves, and then during the first class of the day he started calling the names of everyone who was in that group to the library. He didn't say it, but he was calling those people. I was freaking out, naturally, because I didn't know if I'd joined or not (who pays attention to that stuff?), and as it turns out I didn't. But Nat did. I felt so bad for her, because Mr. C was being so dramatic about the entire thing. Apparently, during their "meeting" in the library, he said they weren't Rosa students.

OVER-REACT, MUCH? Seriously, there are groups like that EVERYWHERE. He's just so darn proud of his school of character, it doesn't even matter that there are about 30 more groups JUST LIKE THAT and a whole bunch bashing Dosa too. He's being stupid about the entire thing. Gar.

And that's about it.

Here they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat. Some dance to remember, some dance to forget.

[Blood--Editors]

My dad has absolutely no boundaries when it comes to my privacy. Apparently, I left Yahoo up (which I didn't!) and he looked at some VERY PERSONAL emails I sent to Silver, and I KNOW I didn't leave those up so he had to have consciously clicked on them and read the entire conversation. WTF, DAD?

[Phenomenom--Thousand Foot Krutch]

So, we saw A Midsummer's Night Dream performed at Meast today! That was fun. Since I'm going to Meast, it kinda eased some of the fear to see part of the school (well, the main entrance, one hallway, the auditorium, and the cafeteria). The guy playing Puck was cute as heck :)

But I am TERRIFIED of going into highschool and being a freshman and all that jazz. I don't handle change well, is all. Eek.

[One Song Glory~ Rent]

basilbasilbasilbasilbasilbasilbasilbasil

And that is all I can say on the subject.

I can't wait till this weekend! Can we say sleepover with Kim? Yes we can :) It's gunna be really fun.

And.......I dunno.

I'd die without you.

I wrote a poem a lot like the song Without You from Rent once. It was pretty corny, but actually, the song is cornier. Whatever.

[La Vie Bohemme~ Rent]

It feels like I could just skip weeks of my life. I'd skip to Christmas, then let the next week pass for New Year's. I'd wake up for Valentine's Day, and April Fool's day, then fall asleep again till the end of the year, occasionally waking up for dances and we discuss classes for high school. Then right to the First Day of High School, the most dreaded and anticipated date. I don't know after that...

[Take Me or Leave Me~ Rent]

We had debate for the first time in forever. I went for two reasons: 1) Mrs. Halden wanted me there to help run it, and 2) Basil. I mean, I had to watch him flirt with Van Horn the entire time, but whatever. About a fourth of the original club is missing, which is kinda expected since we haven't had a meeting in a month, so I got to judge. And two of Mrs. Halden's former students were there, a senior and a sophomore, and they helped judge.

[Finale B~ Rent]

It's so weird that I know exactly what I want to do with my life and most people don't even have an idea of what they want to be when they grow up. I'm going to go to Princeton, get my degrees in English Literature and Psycology, live in Paris for two years (with visits to Italy, England, and Ireland/Scotland, of course), then move to [somewhere] in America and, you know, get married and start a family. Hopefully by then I'll have several books published :) I hate it when people say "you never know", because sometimes you DO know. Life isn't just one big guessing game.

And with that note I leave you.

It seemed to me that blogs with a white background were more popular, so I changed my background to white. Oh, and if you notice, the girl in the title-picture has the same color eyes as me. I wanted to give her colored eyes so, on Paint, I opened a picture of myself and replicated the various color of my eyes on hers. They were: gray-blue, dark-gray-blue, and blue-green-gray. I only used three, haha.

No no no, you know it will always just be me.

[Moving at the Speed of Life--Aesop]

Holy flipping flying fudge frogs! Today was actually a good day, as far as days go. Woot.

In humanities we're starting an AWESOME project. We're making sandwichs! It's too teach us how hard it was for the Continental Congess to make a decision for the entire country, except on a smaller scale. My group's sandwich will be absolutely vile, but it should be fun to make :) I'm with Catman, Lesil, Paula, and EmJ. We actually have to eat the sandwichs, so I don't know why we put marshmallows and salsa on it, but I think it'll be better than it sounds.

[I'm Not Okay--Teenagers]

Oh, and I would like to mention that Basil was wearing a burgandy polo shirt, and it looked fairly awesome on him. I know this NOT because I'm a stalker, but because Silver has made a habit of asking me what shirt he's wearing every day to prove I AM a stalker. Which I'm not.

[Nine in the Afternoon--Panic! at the Disco]

We have a feild trip to see A Midsummer's Night Dream at Meast (as opposed to Mest, the other local high school) on Thursday. I LOVE Shakespeare. He's, like, my idol.

Oh, and there was a protest at Meast today by some bigots who hate gays and Jews. I hate people.

[Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have--Panic! at the Disco]

[But It's Better if You Do--Panic! at the Disco]

[I Write Sins Not Tragedies--Panic! at the Disco]

Apparently Aaron wants to be an architect when he grows up. That's so cool! I had, like, NO idea he was interested in that sorta thing.
Oh, and Happy thinks that if I started liking, oh, say, Daniel (which I already do), then Basil would get pissed off. Do you think that's true?

There is no future, there is no past. Thank God this moment's not the last.

There's only us, there's only this. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way. No day like today.

I really, really don't want to blog, because I'm so tired, but I feel like I have to. I did a lot today! First was Bowling for Bears, which was pretty uneventful as far as bowling events go. But Ani, Nat, Heather, Sanguine, Jenny (who started it, of course), and Lolo were all there! So it was fun. We played a lot of arcade games and I actually only threw a bowling ball twice. lol....

Then we all went to the mall, but Rachel (Ani's cousin) took FOREVER to buy something from Hollister, and during this time Nat and Alice were starting to feel sick and Lolo had to go with them since they were her ride, so they all left. Then Rachel and her sister and Ani's sister walked off to go to Claire's while we went into Nordstrom's to go to the bathroom, then we had to walk all the way to the food court to find them, then I got a hot dog. Then Ani, Ringo, Rachel, Lizzie, and Sarah all had to leave, so it was just me and Lavender.

That was when the fun began.

Lol, jk.

But anyway! We walked around a lot, followed hot guys through three stores, tried on a bunch of clothes in J.C. Penny's, played with makeup in J.C. Penny's (well, Lavender did, but I picked stuff out for her!) and then walked around the mall again. We were playing with tiaras in this store called Tempation (hair accesories and jewelry) and then we walked out, and heard a "Hi, Lavender!" from somewhere around Macy's. You will not believe this: it was TALL. He's like a mega-pop and the object of Lavender's [strong] affection. And he was with his friends and everything! LIKE OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG. Lol.

That's just so jadorable :)

HEY MOLLY.

I CAN'T COMMENT ON YOUR BLOG. PLEASE CHANGE IT. I REALLY, REALLY WANT TO COMMENT. BECAUSE YOU PUT NEW JERSEY ON YOUR LIST OF THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE, AND I KINDA WONDER WHY, BECAUSE I FIND NOTHING WRONG WITH NEW JERSEY.

The opposite of war isn't PEACE, it's CREATION.

I love that line.

[Take Me or Leave Me~ Rent]

I have literally done nothing all day. Well, I have, but nothing worth noting. I made a new town on Sims 2 (Lonely Singles....lol) filled with, well, lonely singles. I went on Happy Aquarium on Facebook for the first time in forever. I replaced all the crops on Farmville with poinsettas. I started to read The Lord of the Flies, got bored, and looked up the ending on Sparknotes (my God). I'm still in the same mismatching socks, blue yoga pants, and a pink tank-top that's too small that I wore as pajamas last night, except now I have my purple fleece robe on. I need a shower and some coconut-scented lotion.

[La Vie Boheme A & B~ Rent]

Last night was fun, though! I got a call from Ani at 4:30 to see if I wanted to go to Youth Group with her. Luckily, my dad was getting home early, so I could! We played kickball first, and I got slammed in the head AND in the thigh, which was painful. Then we talked about, um, Jesus. Well, I didn't. I just listened. But THEN we played games and the guy in charge's wife brought in this DELICIOUS choco-chip bars. Then we played dodgeball. DODGEBALL. Woot.

Then we picked up Ani's sister at Naruto Middle School (haha, also known as Cars) where there was a dance, and we screamed out the window until her uncle rolled the windows up. I really wanted to see someone from my old elementery school, but alas, I was not that lucky.

So!

Take me away.

I hate people.

Lousy hypocrites.

But anyway.

I might be hanging out with Ani and Nat later!

And on Wednesday I overheard a really interesting conversation between Basil and Mango (previously Daniel), but for the life of me I can't remember what it was. ANNOYING MUCH? I think so.

And now I have nothing else to say.

Have I found you?

I'm trying to write a poem, and it's not turning out the way I want to. I'm writing about running away and asking someone to come with me. The words just aren't coming out right.

I've felt weird since I read that book. Like I belong somewhere else. I just can't shake that feeling of incompleteness that's been following me around. It's like, it wasn't an option for Beatrice to be with Jonah. It was a neccesity. I have to know that someday they find each other again before I can ever sleep at night. Geez, now I wish I hadn't read the book.

Just finished reading How to Say Goodbye in Robot. Oh my God. My heart is actually broken. Over fictional characters. I mean I always say how I don't want a happy ending, because more often than not they're stupid, but this story needed a happy ending. It deserved it. The entire thing was just devastatingly perfect, and I just...I want a Jonah. I want a Jonah without ever saying goodbye.

I'm uber-cool. I'm like the epitome of coolness. You can't get any cooler than me.

You know it.

I've always wanted to be crazy. Not like straight-jacket, voices-want-me-to-kill-things crazy, but just diagnosed. I want someone to tell me that what I am has a name. I want to be this or that, not the vague thing known as "normal."

I know what I want for Christmas! Yup, a fish! But not just any fish. A betta, just like I used to have. I'll never understand people who say fish are boring, just like I'll never understand people who say cats are mean. You just have to know how they work. You have to learn how to appreciate them.

I want a crowntail this time, though :) I'm not sure what kind I had before, but the tails drooped a little more. Huh. I need to clean out the tank and stuff and probably buy the fish myself, because my parents didn't seem too enthusiastic when I told them what I wanted.

[Just a little side note: Molly's back! Hurrah!]

I love Christmas. Love it with a passion. It's all about love and generosity and family...warmth in the dead of an eternal winter. I love finding the perfect present for someone. I love seeing their face light up when they open it. I love the glow of the Christmas tree lights reflected off the presents and the ornaments. I love the happiness...the magic...really, is there anything not to love about Christmas?

By the way, I get to decorate the tree this year :)