Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Warning: bitter rant.

There are so many things I could call him, all which unsuitable for children's ears. And yet my heart beats like a freaking jackhammer whenever anyone anywhere mentions his name and I giggle uncontrollably whenever he's near....not for any reason, just being near him makes me happy...and what has he called me? Bitchy, selfish, loser. All indirectly too. And he talks about me to my own friends! Not just Kim, but Ani and Silver too. He talks about me to his friends. He asks Kim to pass on messages to me, instead of just being a freaking man and telling me what he thinks to my face. He acts like I'm doing this on purpose, just to bug him. He makes it his mission in life to ignore me, as if I'm some vile bug that'll go away if you don't look at it long enough! Really, is it so bad having me like him? It's not like I try to talk to him. I don't do anything to him. He's the one torturing me. Am I really that unpopular? That weird? That much of a freaking social pariah that he can't stand the sight of me? What did I do to him?
Is it because I'm not pretty or outgoing? Is it because I never have any expression on my face and I tend to stare? Is it because I turn beat red at the drop of a hat and giggle all the time? Is it because I'm not ultra-skinny and don't wear clothes from Hollister or Aeropostale and Abercrombie and American Eagle? Is it because I teased him in sixth grade (to hide the fact that I liked him!)? Wouldn't most people forget about that by now? What on Earth is wrong with me that he hates me so much?
I hate the idea that MiB talks about me at all, even if they don't. Even Apple and Mango...they're the nice ones...especially Gross, that freaking asshole I have the mispleasure of sharing two classes with. I hate that Apple knows everything...I hate that they think I'm completely obsessed with him, even if I am, and that whenever I'm talking about a boy I'm talking about him. I hate that I know nothing about him...all I know about how he thinks of me is through my friends, because he insists on pretending I don't exist. I especially hate that I remember almost every single encounter I've ever had with him. Like when he called me selfish (indirectly) and we locked eyes for about two seconds. Like when in science he was talking to Seagull and Seagull suddenly says to me: "That's so mean!" Like when he asked me out on freaking April Fool's Day, as if that would acclompish anything except tearing me to pieces. Like when I presented my persuasive essay (which was awesome!) and he spent the entire time slumped over his books, staring at the door. Like when Ani yelled at him in gym (even though I didn't ask her to) about not telling anyone I liked him, and he came back looking like, "lol, like i care??". Like when he kept asking me on Facebook who Tyler was, if I was really going out with him, asking me if he was real (as if I would make that up! ugh!), as if he actually gave a damn. And I especially hate how much I always miss much I always want him to be there, how I'm always thinking about him, how I always want him to be there even if he despises me. Ugh! Then I guess I do know what's wrong with me. I'm obsessive and desperate and freak people out. God. I hate him more than I hate myself.


  1. i'm sorry friend. and for the record, you're not bitchy. or a loser. or whatever else he's called you. you're quite amazing. sorry that guys suck. if i could change that sad fact, i would.

    to cheer you up: Elshne. sounds like some type of German dessert dish. or maybe Swedish?

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  4. Brilliantly written. Bravo.
    Some very brilliant word choices there...

    While Im sure the endless reiteration of this point has you ready to kill someone, nothing you listed there made you an awful person. In fact, everything you said only increased your personal worth in my mind. You're your own person, and that in itself is a miracle. That you can be yourself on the outside, and not be afraid to do so is worth so much (lord knows I cant even amount to that).

    So screw him if he doesn't like you for you. (because, isn't that what really matters? (And it's only ever his loss in the end))

    Remember, the cliff is your friend.

    Oh, and tomatoes? Really?
    I pick my teeth with tomatoes! Cabbage, potatoes, wheat, corn, garlic, these are real vegetables! (heh, garden can laugh, I'll wait...)

    Remember. If he's an asshole, he's not good enough for you. And maybe you can't get over him. It would be a bit hypocritical for me to insist that you should, but maybe you should try (and don't stop because you've hit a dead end this time, I mean try) to figure out why you're head over heels for him? Maybe you'll figure out the answers to your problems?

    But hey, whatever happens, good luck. Live Long and Prosper. May The Force Be With You...Oh, and watch out for sand worms...

  5. HE'S always talking about how much he doesn't like you? Hmmmm. Not typical behaviour for a male of the species...... Anyway, he's NOT IMPORTANT in the great scheme of things. Don't waste your time and energy on him.

  6. >.< sorry, the two deletes were me not liking what I wrote or a spelling error or a formatting error or something, but in the end it was just me.


    Oh, and smile like you mean it, who cares if someone thinks your crazy, right?

    Being you is just a state, no? And if it keeps changing depending on who you're hanging out with, then that just means you're human!

    And it's not like Im condoning pushing him off a cliff, but do you really care all that much if you piss his girlfriend off?

    Oh, and while I'll admit that squash and celery deserve to be on the list, Broccoli? Really? Broccoli is a sissy vegetable!

    But yes, thank you for the enormous comment.
    (well, three really)