There are so many things I could call him, all which unsuitable for children's ears. And yet my heart beats like a freaking jackhammer whenever anyone anywhere mentions his name and I giggle uncontrollably whenever he's near....not for any reason, just being near him makes me happy...and what has he called me? Bitchy, selfish, loser. All indirectly too. And he talks about me to my own friends! Not just Kim, but Ani and Silver too. He talks about me to his friends. He asks Kim to pass on messages to me, instead of just being a freaking man and telling me what he thinks to my face. He acts like I'm doing this on purpose, just to bug him. He makes it his mission in life to ignore me, as if I'm some vile bug that'll go away if you don't look at it long enough! Really, is it so bad having me like him? It's not like I try to talk to him. I don't do anything to him. He's the one torturing me. Am I really that unpopular? That weird? That much of a freaking social pariah that he can't stand the sight of me? What did I do to him?
Is it because I'm not pretty or outgoing? Is it because I never have any expression on my face and I tend to stare? Is it because I turn beat red at the drop of a hat and giggle all the time? Is it because I'm not ultra-skinny and don't wear clothes from Hollister or Aeropostale and Abercrombie and American Eagle? Is it because I teased him in sixth grade (to hide the fact that I liked him!)? Wouldn't most people forget about that by now? What on Earth is wrong with me that he hates me so much?
I hate the idea that MiB talks about me at all, even if they don't. Even Apple and Mango...they're the nice ones...especially Gross, that freaking asshole I have the mispleasure of sharing two classes with. I hate that Apple knows everything...I hate that they think I'm completely obsessed with him, even if I am, and that whenever I'm talking about a boy I'm talking about him. I hate that I know nothing about him...all I know about how he thinks of me is through my friends, because he insists on pretending I don't exist. I especially hate that I remember almost every single encounter I've ever had with him. Like when he called me selfish (indirectly) and we locked eyes for about two seconds. Like when in science he was talking to Seagull and Seagull suddenly says to me: "That's so mean!" Like when he asked me out on freaking April Fool's Day, as if that would acclompish anything except tearing me to pieces. Like when I presented my persuasive essay (which was awesome!) and he spent the entire time slumped over his books, staring at the door. Like when Ani yelled at him in gym (even though I didn't ask her to) about not telling anyone I liked him, and he came back looking like, "lol, like i care??". Like when he kept asking me on Facebook who Tyler was, if I was really going out with him, asking me if he was real (as if I would make that up! ugh!), as if he actually gave a damn. And I especially hate how much I always miss him...how much I always want him to be there, how I'm always thinking about him, how I always want him to be there even if he despises me. Ugh! Then I guess I do know what's wrong with me. I'm obsessive and desperate and freak people out. God. I hate him more than I hate myself.