Saturday, August 8, 2009

And there's nothing left for the world to take from me.

Damn, reading depressing blog entries suck.
I still have three nails on 0.0
ANYWAY. I seem to dislike people more and more with every day, but maybe they're not as bad as I think they are. Maybe I'm just pessimistic. Maybe I only see bad traits. But no, that's can't be true, because I have friends. So maybe it's just how people look to me that makes me think they're bad? I know that sounds redundant, but even people that I can't possibly fathom anyone ever liking have more friends than I ever will. Does that make them bad people to me? I know it magnifies all their bad traits. Or does it? Ahhhh, confusion!
I'm curious, though. What does the world think of me? Do they see me as the insecure, pessimistic, hopeless perfectionist I am? Am I too reserved for anyone who doesn't really know me to see that? Or is it obvious? Well, I know what I am. But does someone know me better?
I could say the only person who truly knows you is a stranger, but I'd only be saying it to sound deep and meaningful. It's true in some senses, though: both friends and enemies are biased, and acquaintances don't care enough to become either. But a stranger will try to get to know you before making assumptions.
Or not? Everyone can be biased; a stranger might assume that, because I have blonde hair, I'm a ditz (the opposite of true). Would they even try, then? Only a stranger without biases could really know you.
I know neither friends nor enemies can really know you; friends see only good, enemies only bad. The only way to make a fair judgement is to be both. See and evaluate equally the good and the bad. But then you couldn't decide. You would hate their bad traits but not enough to warrant being their enemy. I know I hardly ever see fault in my friends; I don't look for it, but fault is all I see in those I hate. I don't look for good traits and if I see them, which is never, I dismiss them.
Friendship is more biased, though, because there's no rhyme or reason to it. You can't be friends with someone for a specific reason; I'm not friends with Ani because she's nice or Silver because she's fun. I'm not friends with them because they're judgemental or mean. I couldn't think of a specific trait I liked about most of my friends. I mean, I hated Vera just a few months ago. I felt betrayed and hurt and angry. I never wanted to hear her again. Everything she said or did seemed repungant to me. And yet here I am, going to the mall and buying the same lip gloss as her! Friendship and love make no logical sense; thus, they cannot be fair.
It's amazing how quickly it can turn, though.
When I'm friends with someone, everything they do turns into a good trait, but if I get into a fight with them, suddenly it all turns bad. That's why I can't get into an argument with my friends: our relationship will be destroyed. I was able to rebuild with Vera because she was never mad at me; the hate was all one-sided. I am able to forgive, but only if you forgive first.
What I can't see, though, is why anyone would be friends with me. My two positive traits are: I'm smart and I can be funny. But other than that, I'm judgemental, insecure, jealous, downright mean at times, pessimistic, and I never know what to say. I'm not exactly comforting or even that understanding in most cases. So why?
Of course, this isn't supposed to be an entry bashing myself, so I suppose it doesn't matter. But I'm vain, shallow, and unsure enough to care.
I think the only part of me that's unbiased is my hopeless romantic side. I see faults in everyone I like (though, I will admit, I'm not as vocal about them) but the good outweighs the bad, or I can't help it. That's when I see both sides of a person and still would choose them. That's why heartbreak is so much more common than really losing a friend.
So. Maybe I shouldn't hate people after all.

1 comment:

  1. Haha, was mine the depressing entry? I'd say the chances that is are good.

    Ha or maybe people just suck. Just kidding...they rock too.

    I don't really ever get close to anyone for exactly those reasons, but I think you're pretty dem cool, personally.

    Yes, obsession sucks. That is definitely something I've been much too familiar with. Damn hormones. As for Tyler, I'd say tactless. Unless he's a known jack ass.

    And no I don't think it's wrong to be jealous. I say, ask them to do something. Just have fun with it. Don't worry, be happy, ya know?

    Guys suck. And I feel overly desperate when...ahem, know. There is this one guy I like being with, and it pretty much sucks cuz he has a gf and there's all this ridiculous drama with it. He wants to dump her and he doesn't want to. So I'm just like do whatever the hell you want. But it still sucks.

    Ha, okay,, I'm done being depressing.