Sunday, August 2, 2009

Do you know what’s worth fighting for when it's not worth dying for? Does it take your breath away, and you feel yourself suffocating.

[21 Guns--Green Day]
1. I say I'm not, but I'm actually extremely jealous. I was sick with jealousy when I saw Basil with Twinj, even though he was teasing her and she obviously didn't appreciate it. All I could think was: they're the type of people to end up together, even for a little bit, holyshit there is no way that can happen i hate her i hate her i hate her!!!!!
Even more shallow is when one of my friends is hanging out with another one of my friends. Or even NOT one of my friends. Especially if it's someone I don't know well or like. Instant jealousy. No water needed. My train of thought there is: they would rather hang out with whoever than me...they never invite me anywhere...they don't wanna hang out with me...i'm sitting here all alone in a dark room and they're having fun with someone else...
So. I'm jealous as all get-out.

2. I don't see my stories as books, I see them as stories. Stories that need to be told, to be finished, to come to life. It matters more to me that I know everything that will happen and where it's going than if it's finished or not.
Names for my characters have to fit just right, and nothing else matters. I don't care if EVERYONE uses the name 'Damien' now, if the character's name is Damien, then I can't change it. There's always at least one name that is simply the right one. I'm a bit obsessive about it, really. Sometimes the perfect name just occurs to me, other times I have to think about it. I didn't have to think about Willow and Aden, or Emma and Damon, or Danielle and Ron. I did have to think about Kaulia, Eloni and Frelin, and Cedric.

You'll never meet these characters. How sad.
3. I live in the moment, but not in the party-all-night sense. I mean...I see what is there, I am where I am, you say what you say. My life is solely where I am, at that one moment in time.
Here's a wonderful quote from A Hermit Philosopher that sums up exactly what I don't do:

make for yourself a world you can believe in. it sounds simple, i know. but it's not. listen, there are a million worlds you could make for yourself. everyone you know has a completely different one - the woman in 5g, that cab driver over there, you. sure, there are overlaps, but only in the details. some people make their worlds around what they think reality is like. they convince themselves that they had nothing to do with their worlds' creations and continuations. some make their worlds without knowing it. their universes are just sesame seeds and three-day weekends and dial tones and skinned knees and physics and driftwood and emerald earrings and books dropped in bathtubs and holes in guitars and plastic and empathy and hardwood and heavy water and high black stockings and the history of the vikings and brass and obsolescence and burnt hair and collapsed soufflés and the impossibility of not falling in love in an art museum with the person standing next to you looking at the same painting and all the other things that just happen and are. but you want to make for yourself a world that is deliberately and meticulously personalized. a theater for your life, if i could put it like that. don't live an accident. don't call a knife a knife. live a life that has never been lived before, in which everything you experience is yours and only yours. make accidents on purpose. call a knife a name by which only you will recognize it. now i'm not a very smart man, but i'm not a dumb one, either. so listen: if you can manage what i've told you, as i was never able to, you will give your life meaning.
- jonathan safran foer
4. I've done several very bad things in my life. Because of these things, I have no patience for: liars, cheaters, traitors, or theives.

5. I.......can't think of anything else. I'll finish this LATER.
Damn, all these are so depressing and negative!


In the mean time, I tag Nat.

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