Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I can't feel the way I did before. Don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored. Time won't heal this damage anymore.

So. I'm a teensy-weensy bit desperate. Can you guess what for?
[Breaking the Habit--Linkin Park]
What people don't know (or maybe they do?) is how angry and disgusted I am at the world 24/7. I guess a lot of people wouldn't (my friends excluded) since I really can be two emotions at once. I can laugh when I'm mad; I can smile when I'm about to break down into tears. I can be both; I'm not hiding the other. Really.
[Numb--Linkin Park]
I found my iPod! It's currently playing all my glorious, glorious Linkin Park songs (18 of them, I bought them all myself) because just a few moments ago, I was mad. I decided to write something more like a journal entry than a story, and I found myself writing about how I wanted so much but was too lazy to do anything about it. I wouldn't know how to get a summer job; I've never done community service on my own accord; I've never tried to work out past gym class. Desperate to do something, I changed into my gym shorts and did about three crunches, fifteen push-ups (I had to stop after three and rest before I could continue), and ran in place for awhile.
[What I've Done--Linkin Park]
I actually worked up a sweat, but then I gave up and started writing this. Linkin Park was my inspirational music.
My next goal(s):
  1. Learn how to swim.
  2. Jog/run at Penny Packer.
  3. Ride bike at Penny Packer.

Maybe I have a skewed view of my own weight. Listen, I know I'm not fat. I'm just over 118. That can't be bad. But I'm not the skinniest person ever, either. I'm not going to starve myself, obviously. I don't have the willpower for that. I just wish I could get off my lazy...butt and make an effort.
[Given Up--Linkin Park]
^-- That's a pretty good song for how I feel most of the time.

Now for community service! This would be a little easier than dropping a couple pounds, actually. I just wouldn't know where to begin.
Let's see. I like animals. I could volunteer at an animal shelter. But my parents aren't home a lot; they couldn't exactly drive me. Hmm...that puts a damper on everything, actually. Damn.
Anyway. I could...join a comittee to clean up public places, like parks? I think that's a club at school. I could join that to appease the guilt I feel whenever I see people with 70 hours of community service! Haha, I still like the shelter idea, though. I still wish I could go to Aunt Michelle's for a bit and help out at her clinic, even though I don't want to be a vet anymore.
[New Divide--Linkin Park]
So, for community service, I will join the environmental club! :D Oh, I feel so guilt-free...

For my third and hardest goal: get a job. Obviously, since I'm twelve, I don't mean working at Wendy's, just another source of income. Like babysitting, though I don't know anyone to babysit, and I'm not exactly qualified. I dunno. I'm not particularly good at anything, like Lolo (she helps out with birthday parties at her rock climbing place). Hmm. Diiiiiiiffffffffiiiiiiicuuuuuuultiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiies.

[Pts. of Athrty--Linkin Park]

I drew a really weird picture but I can't get it online...stupid chord is missing...ugh.

Mudball has been lying on the same spot on the desk for days. Ugh. She's a weird cat.
NO, SHE'S NOT DEAD. God. I knew you'd think that. She only leaves to eat and be pet. Whenever I try to move her she goes back...*pets Mudball*

That's weird.

1 comment:

  1. bring mudball to the vet. and you can do the rock climbing stuff to. you don't actully need to climb.