Tuesday, August 25, 2009

My phone dropped down a toilet. It just flew out of my pocket and landed in the water, like a bullseye. I didn't have it two weeks. It's my birthday. It's my fucking birthday. Doesn't that mean anything?
I don't even care about that I don't have a phone. That's not why I'm sobbing. It's because nothing can ever be right for too long. Something has to go wrong. It's not fair that we're suffering, that my parents are suffering. They're good people. I'm a good person. I know I am. So why is justice just missing from our life? Why are we the ones who never go on vacation and work all day every day? Why...Why am I the one who has to feel guilty because I'm so selfish and want things we just can't have? Why did I ask for an eighty dollar phone when I knew bills weren't getting paid? Why do we suffer? Where is the justice, the equality? Why can't we be happy for more than twenty-four hours?
I got my haircut. It's really short, but I have bangs. I hope it doesn't grow out too much by the time school starts. I really like it.
My friends think I have low self-esteem, so here's an exercise: I'm pretty, I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm nice, I'm skinny enough, I'm smart enough, I'm pretty enough, I'm funny enough, I'm nice enough...to what? Survive? I don't think so.
I really, really, really need to get some clothes. Like, urgently. They don't have to be fancy. Just new.
Vera got me presents! Yay! Two sets of bracelets (one with earrings, but I lost those. Of course. Just the tip of the ice burg.) and the Sims 2 Pets! Eeeeh yay!
I also need to hang out with Silver.
Ooooh, and we ate at Olive Garden! It was dee-lish (yes, I said dee-lish, shut up. I'm just trying to forget. Is it too obviously forced?). I love me some good italian food :)
It's impossible to be happy like this.
I fucking hate myself.
I hate the world.
It's not fair. It's not fair!
*sigh* Time to go to sleep and forget these tears...


  1. Dear Strawberry,
    I still thinnk you need to take a self esteem class... "I fucking hate myself.I hate the world.It's not fair. It's not fair!" Your case is worse than I thought! Your like, emo. Sorry hun, i know you get annoyed when I say that.
    OMG! I have an idea! I'll take the self esteem class with you! We can both become super confident, happy people. And maybe basking in self glory you can realize that life doesnt suck as much as your leading yourself to believe. Because even though I'm not you, I know your life isnt that bad. There has been worse. And by saying that I'm not hinting that your selfish for feeling sorry for yourself or for feeling sad. I'm just saying that sometimes you need to laugh stuff off and get on with your life. The past few entrys you've written have just made me pretty darn sad.
    I think your depressed. Like no joke. Your mood has just gotten worse and worse lately. Maybe instead of the self esteem class you should talk to mrs. vass or something. We should do both!
    I also think your over prosessing stuff. I used to do that because I didnt get out enough... we should hang out more.
    I just feel like posting a really long comment.
    with love and happy birthday wishes,
    Nat <333
    I took like 10 minutes to type up this comment! I revised it like 30 times!

  2. Haha. Thanks. I'm fine now, though, really. I know you won't believe me, but stuff like that only happens...when I'm upset. I'm over it by the time I wake up the next morning.

    Thanks again. I know my life isn't that bad and people have it worse. It doesn't exactly make me feel better, but I do know. I'm just emotional. That's not much of an excuse, but it's true. All the problems are all you focus on because all the happy stuff doesn't seem as important.

    Huh. Emo. Bit of a step up from just lowly goth, eh?
    Don't they wear all black and cut themselves? Yeah, that's not really me.

    I thought that too. About two days ago. It's certainly possible, but I don't really think so...I mean, that would be an insult to people who DID have depression. Besides, I get over it in the morning, like I said.

    Heheh, congratulations. This took me about five. And I stopped a lot. :)