Desist.

Greetings! I haven't blogged in three days because I don't love you. NO I'M TOTALLY KIDDING :D

I have not bathed all weekend. I am filth. However, I haven't gone out much, so I don't really care, haha. I meant to shower this morning, but instead played Super Smash Bros. (which I beat). I didn't have any homework due in the immediate future; at least I hope not, haha. I've been listening to the Eclipse soundtrack, and it's actually pretty good.

I also got new fish! Well, not fish exactly. I got a snail. It is orange. And it renders your argument invalid, because it is hanging to the underside of the tank rock. I also got this super-tiny algae eater, which is super-tiny, and I keep losing. He's currently clinging to the filter, eating algae.

I've been trying to get through a five-minute song without getting interrupted by something, and so far it hasn't happened. I think I'm numbering six times that I've restarted it. Woo.

My phone went fagizzle, so we sent it in to get repaired, and since I lost my old broken Razor I have to use the shittiest phone ever. Gah. It depresses me with its terribleness.

I did it! I finished the song! Hurrah.

[My Love--Sia]

I decided to practice writing grief, since I'm so bad at it. I tend to use a lot of '--' and make things too choppy, which is how I imagine people's thoughts go when they're all despairing. I mean, when you're upset, you don't think "I am upset." You don't really think much of anything. You just feel it, which can be difficult to describe with words, since words are thoughts. Anyway. The last time I wrote grief, I went overkill. I don't particularly like this, but here goes:

No. Stop. Rewind. What was said? What was the noise? I hear, I hear nothing, but his mouth keeps moving. His eyes, eyes are sad—stop, stop, I say, but sound is sucked up; sound falters and dies, dies, dies—what? What am I hearing? Nothing, only silence; hands catch me, I must have fallen. I can’t hear a thing. I can’t hear a God damned thing.

Names, names, names escape me. Hands are unfamiliar as they hold me together, hold me inside, as inside something heavy fails and dies and plummets down to the tips of my toes, smashing everything along its way.

People around me, mouths moving, no sound. They look at me, they look at each other. They were crushing, crushing, crushing me—I had to escape. I stumbled, I fell free, I said words inside my head that might’ve come out, might not have, doesn’t matter. I stumbled; I fell away, and found myself alone in an unfamiliar well-known place.

Alone, alone, I watch the walls, I fall onto something, maybe a bed maybe a chair. Words, don’t come to me, seem to be everything I see; I trace the ghostly lines of the wall with my fingertips and they leave a trail of blood, crimson scarlet red; they leave shadows on the air. Sound comes to me gradually; I hear words, I hear things, from my mouth, but I don’t understand them. Just noise, white noise.

No, not, not noise—a name, a sound, golden shadow death, frightening away warmth, frightening away happiness. “Lyla Lyla Lylalylalylalylalylalyla…”

Sounds fall together, fall into place, fall apart. What, what am I saying, what do I hear? Nothing, nothing, everything, static, noise, silence, deadly pressing aching silence.

Darkness fails, shadows pull at my skin, stretching and tearing me to oblivion. I give up; I fall against the floor, staring wide-eyed at the stars on the ceiling, staring at nothing, staring at a trapped sky. Ghosts crash around me, splintering like glass which shred my thin skin to bits.

Lyla, Lyla—gray floods the air, the light, the sound of my fingers tap tapping haphazardly against the cold wood of the floor. Lyla—blue, blue tinged the corners of my vision, blue clawed at my chest to reach, to destroy my heart, which was shattered. Lyla—blue, blue eyes, blue voice, blue soul; dead soul, empty, broken shattered lost destroyed, bent beneath the weight of a metal horse. Steel and rubber alone could end her.

Words came to me, words I remembered, words I must have heard. Accident. Accident, death, dead, shattered, couldn’t save—couldn’t save her, tried everything, accident. Accident, accident.

I was numb, I couldn’t feel. I gaped at the ceiling, which became a boulder, teetering on the edge; I felt the pressing stillness of my heart as it slowly stopped beating. The world grew still, the world grew quiet.

So, I dunno. Does it seem sufficiently upset to you? Can you even tell what's happened? Yeah. I'm going to go write some more, now...

So far.

I totally had this sitting, untouched, on the computer screen for an hour before I actually started writing. Because I care.

Most recently, I went on Yahoo! and, to my surprise, saw that Nat was online. Does anyone even remember Nat anymore? I barely do myself. Anyway. I was surprised because she never goes on Yahoo, or Facebook, or anything. I admit, I kind of hoped that she'd talk to me or something. Just to say something. Like, "Hey, haven't seen you in awhile." Anything, really. She actually does. Three times. In different windows. I actually got kind of excited for a minute, until she started talking about an IQ test and I realized her account had been hacked. C'est la vie.

[Map of the Problematique--Muse]

I love this song so much.

Today! Today. I'm taking the National Latin Exam on the Ides of March (lol), and missing eighth period to do so. Always pleasant. Apparently colleges like it if you take it, especially if you do well, according to my Latin teacher. So, that's nice.

In gym we played volleyball, or at least something like it. I succeeded in only touching the ball once, to serve, and managed to fail completely. But it was okay, but Up (or Darcy, now) told me where to hit the ball, without being mean about it. It ended up a tie, anyway.

[You're Gonna Go Far, Kid--The Offspring]

In English we went over a new, massive, all-consuming project we're doing about mythology. There were six myths we could choose from, after we got into groups (I'm with Happy...again), and we got to pick based on who got into the class first. I wanted Prometheus. I NEEDED Prometheus. But English Teacher janked up the order (I was totally like the fourth person in) so UP/DARCY AND BERLIN(<-new name, yup) PICKED IT INSTEAD. AND I WAS LIKE, FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

So, I kind of made a scene. A bit. A little scene. Little! It was nothing. Really. They would not relinquish their myth. Fine. Whatever. But then Happy had to go ahead and pick 'Flower Myths' as an alternative. The hell. And now she wanted to make origami flowers for the visual. No. There is no way. None of the myths (in the book, at least) would even apply to that. Besides, covering a poster in paper flowers (which was the example shown to us in class) is unoriginal. Using flowers excessively is unoriginal. Obviously flowers need to be included, but the myths are about the people and the tragic ways that they die, not what pretty flowers they turn into. There was:

• Narcissus--Naturally. He's probably the best known flower myth. I imagine for him some kind of adoring look on his face, with a flower wrapped around his neck--he was supposed to be completely absorbed in himself, after all, so he wouldn't notice that a flower was choking him. Echo would, of course, have to be included in this; maybe clawing at his feet or something, with the words "I give you power over me" incorporated somehow.
• Persephone--This may seem weird, but according to the book, Zeus aided Hades in luring her to him by creating a beautiful flower that she couldn't resist trying to pick. This flower was actually also the narcissus, but whatever, When she went near it, Hades sprung from the earth and took her. I only tell you this because I didn't know that particular part of the myth, so I assume you don't either, haha. Anyway. I imagine the silhouette of a girl reaching for a flower, surrounded in flames. YEAH.
• Hyacinthus--This was a sad myth. Anyway. Outline of some handsome youth, lying in the grass. Some kind of swirling blood coming from his forehead, which at the edges turns into his flower. I guess Apollo should be incorporated somehow, and the words "If I could give my life for yours, or die with you." Yeah. I'll think about this one.
• Finally: Adonis. This was also sad, I guess, although I don't have much pity when gods are upset. Anyway. I'm trying to avoid using silhouettes again, since I already used that, but anyway: I imagine two profiles, one a beautiful woman (you know, Aphrodite) holding the cold form of her lover, Adonis, who is...you know...dead. Just faces, though. Hmm...flower. Bright red flower. Woven through his hair? Falling from his mouth? I'll think about this one too. Consult with Happy and such.

Okay. Sorry. That was more for my benefit than yours.

I'm not even sure if either of us are good enough artists to pull any of that off...but...hell.

In world civ., Teacher told us about how it was a bad idea to take all AP courses because the workload would be ridiculous. I know it's ridiculous. But, my pride won't allow me to take anything less than the top class. For the same reason, I will never drop a class. Ever. I could never look myself in the mirror again, or call myself smart...yeah. I feel like that's a messed up train of thought, there.

In art we did ink paintings of trees! It was actually fairly enjoyable. We were supposed to draw trees in the background, middle ground, and foreground, with an emphasis on the leaves. Of course, 30 minutes into the class, she tells us that we were supposed to be drawing the leaves she had modelled herself, and this is me: 0.0 The page was already pretty full (mostly with some scribblish background trees without much of a definite shape and a massive foreground tree with leaves that were too swirly and discoordinated to resemble anything) so I had to cram the rest of the trees on there, including one for 'triangle' shapes leaves on the very, very bottom center, which is supposed to be the top of a tree. Everything is messy and somewhat abstract. I like it.

So now I'm going to sketch my ideas for English, and hope that Happy doesn't get too offended that I hate the only thing she's come up with so far.

What they said.

I was going to post an excerpt, until realizing that most of the stories in my bin aren't actually stories, but summaries, or else the first three paragraphs and nothing else. So...there goes that idea.

I also spent a good amount of time just now looking through my exorbiant amount of notebooks (numbering in the tens, I believe) for one particular story, which has yet evaded me. Instead, I found a bunch of stories that I all but forgot about, and now am somewhat interested in. Eventually I'll take the time to gather all my floating stories and record them in one single, organized place, so I'll never have to search for one specific page ever again =.=

Does anyone remember NaNoWriMo? I decided to revisit/reorganize that little joy. I distinctly remember writing down the histories of some of the main characters, which would be very helpful to have now, and they seem to have vanished. Yeah...

In other news...nothing. Nothing has happened. I'm so bored.

Even numbers.

So, how was today? I feel like I had something to blog about earlier, but have since forgotten what that was.

Today at lunch, I once again did homework in the library, since I have nothing better to do. Shari, my lunch buddy (she's excused from gym for a marking period, and so spends the time in the library), has been absent today and yesterday. So, that all sucks.

I am convinced that nothing of interest ever happens before third period. Or, at least, that my day doesn't start till then. I have math and Latin first and second period, which are not exactly noteworthy classes, besides the fact that I'm really not friends with anyone in them.

So far in the marking period, I have three E's, one D, and one A. Mostly because last week I pretty much didn't do homework. I was completely shot last week. Yeah. That's my excuse.

In gym, after literally three days of failing at volleyball, Gym Teacher stepped in and paired us with guys who actually had some kind of hand-volleyball coordination. We didn't even have to fill all the requirements; we had to do four bumps and six sets, as opposed to six and ten. It was kind of humiliating, but at least it's over, yeah.

I feel like English was sufficiently interesting today, but I can't actually think of anything I did, so...there.

I put in a request for a counselor appointment over a week ago, and they haven't gotten back to me yet...so...I guess I'll be keeping my schedule for awhile.

World civ. was actually interesting today as well, because we watched a video about Russia circa 1850-1900 time. I had watched parts of that program before and it was really interesting, so...yeah.

In art, I finally finished that damn Japanese postcard project, only to be strapped with another little joy: today was due a drawing about something that makes us feel safe(?) or some shit. The hell. Or, something that reminded of us home, or a place we'd like to be, or something like that. It won't take me long, I just don't want to do it. I can't even think of what to draw, honestly. But then I would feel bad just making something up.

Then, on to science. Science! How scientific, yes. We had a test yesterday. Always a joyous experience. Got it back today, and check it: I got a 98. A 98. Let that sink in for a moment. Bask in the joy that is that score. Yeah, when Science Teacher handed it back and looked at the grade, he was like "Darn her! The quiet one!" because, you know, of my fantabulous score. Yeah.

Thus concludes my day. May tomorrow bring infinite joy and stuff. Or something.

The places where your heart beats faster.

Yesterday was the Model UN conference! I'm sure you were all eagerly expectant to hear how it went. Because you're all totally invested in my life and totally remember what I said I would be doing this Saturday :D

It was a lot better than the last one. A lot better. I wasn't as completely scared out of my mind, or self-conscious or shit...yeah. Still didn't say much, of course, but it was better than last time, just overall. I actually talked to people! USA and South Korea, I believe. The resolution I signed on to was pretty much written before lunch time. In the end, neither resolutions passed (one was basically pro Kosovo Independence, and the other con), BUT both teams made a rap to go along with the resolution that was pretty much awesome.

During lunch I hung out with Kim and some people from her committee, which was far better than last time when I sat awkwardly by myself.

At the end of the day, I think I surprised Shukla with how loud and somewhat insane I was on the bus, as opposed to my usual quiet, shy demeanor in class. Naturally, Kim was not surprised at all, but then Kim has seen me outside of school, haha. Anyway. I got him around five, and managed to scrape together last-minute plans with Kim for a sleepover. So, yay! We played Guitar Hero (naturally), drank copious amounts of soda (well, I did), talkes about BOYS SQUEE, and played board games. And that is literally all we did. We didn't watch any movies or even give each other makeovers! But it was still awesome, of course. We went to bed at two, which is early for both a sleepover and about half the people in my grade, but also got up earlier and had pancakes and played with Barbie dolls. Because we're just so fantastic.

Today I did homework(<-lies) and I am not, in any way, shape, or form, looking forward to school tomorrow.

Oh, the many places.

Today, around sixth period, I just completely shut down. I was exhausted. And just generally bummed. This week was really just terrible. Although I did get a Twix bar in art class, which made things happier :) At least until I got to science and got every single problem on the homework wrong. The bus kind of distracted me, I guess, but when I got home, I meant to clean up a bit (since I'm pretty sure I'm actually inviting people over this weekend) but was instead the laziest person ever and just sat around all afternoon. So that was productive.

Tomorrow is the Model UN conference! Kind of terrified it'll be just like last time, but hey, maybe it won't. I just don't like the idea of going up to speak when I really just don't have anything to say. Egypt really has offered no solutions for 'Kosovo Indepence' or whatever. I mean, what's the point of going up and just saying, "HEY, we should talk it out!"? Egypt really just has nothing to contribute. Sigh...

So I'm going to go clean and stuff. Myself. Yeah...

OH THE PLACES I'VE SEEN!

I never finished my blog from yesterday! Shucks. Not much more about to say, admittedly.

YESTERDAY: So, yada, English, winning, all that jazz. Got home and set to work on my essay (which sucks ass). I finished the actual writing of it in about an hour. Anyway. UP IM'd me later on Facebook. UP. To ask about the essay. It made me happy. Considerably so. Kim didn't think it was that great, haha.

TODAY: Today wasn't a bad day, I guess. Math and Latin went by fast. Lunch was, of course, trying. Kind of. I went to the library again and sat with Elizabeth, and this girl I'll call Pad who always seemed like such a bitch was there for a little bit. I helped people with science! I love being better at things than other people. Haha. Then Sharicus showed up, which is always joyous. I kept wishing I had English next, and not gym, because I was convinced at that point that gym would be awful.

Well, I went to gym. I was kind of on the later side since I had to go to my Happy's locker. So I get to the disgusting locker room, find my locker (for the first time), and change. No big deal. I've never really cared about changing in front of people, at least after the beginning of sixth grade. It was even worse in middle school, since the lockers were closer together and we all knew each other. Anyway. I kind of chatted and almost waited for Tallie, the blond, who I now know the name of. But then I saw Mina, who I also now know the actual name of, so I went out with her. I had changed into my baggy back sweats and awkward, several-year-old graphic tee, and felt I knew beforehand that I would be self-conscious to the point of embarrassment. Surprisingly, I wasn't. Not too much.

I was worried, because we had to get into partners, and I tend to be the odd one out in those cases. But, actually, Mina asked if I wanted to be partners first. Then Asian Girl joined our group. We are all very, very bad at volleyball. I'll kind of feel bad, leaving them, because it's possible that at some point I might actually be friends with them, or at least Gym Buddies...I guess first I have to stop wondering if everything I say is annoying them and they're really just being nice to me out of pity. We'll see.

After gym. I felt kind of...pumped. In a weird way. Or just overheated, haha. I went to English and actually didn't wear my always-present hoodie. We just topics for an eventual project (mine was 'Human Psychology, or Why Guilt Affects the Mind) about A Separate Peace, a moderately good book, I suppose. Then the guidance counselor came in and talked to us about course selection for next year. I DEFINITELY want to take Creative Writing, but I'm torn on the other elective. I'm thinking either lunch, photography, or a business class (since that's now required...ugh.). It seems kind of weird to be thinking about next year in the middle of this one, but eh, that's how it is.

At the end of class we exchanged sonnet essays for peer-editing. I felt bad, because Elizabeth asked if I wanted to trade, but I was already working with Happy and had to say no. Elizabeth is a nice person, I guess. I don't know if we'd ever really be friends, but it couldn't hurt to get along, you know? Anyway. Happy. Happy is a wonderful person. She works hard. She really does. I know she can be a good writer. But...this essay...was...not good. Not good at all. I love her to death, but seriously...no. Just, no. It's somewhat understandable, considering no one really did well, but...no.

THEN World Civ. She randomly gives pop quizzes after assigning pages from the text book to read. I always read the text book. I always take notes. Except this time. This one time, ever, that I don't read and obviously don't take notes. I'm sure you can guess what we did in World Civ. today. Anyway, I failed miserably, so I guess that was fun.

Then in art we ate cookies and drank amazing iced tea. I don't even like iced tea, but this was good. I also decided to be a nice person and give a girl my remaining Chinese cookie, which she desperately wanted (there were none left.). Then Art Teacher had to ruin the mildly decent day I was having by saying that the bitchin' long and complex project we've been working on is due TOMORROW. We had to copy Japanese postcards, and I somehow managed to pick the one with absolutely the MOST detail. I literally have not started coloring it yet. I have not had a single day this week where I haven't had some ridiculously time-consuming project, and you know what? I'm not doing this. I don't care how many points she docks off. I'm turning it in on Monday and she can suck it.

FINALLY, at the end of the day, time for Model UN. For some reason I was kind of looking forward to it all day; or rather, expecting it, as a checkpoint in the day that I had to accomplish, in which everything else was just filler. I actually raised my hand to be on the Speaker's List! Never mind that I only did it to spite Kim, haha. And that I was last. I went, and did alright, I guess. The conference is on Saturday! Haha, I feel so woefully unprepared, and I'm afraid I'll get afraid again and not speak as well as I could. Plus it seems kind of foolish to go up and talk when Egypt doesn't have a real solution.
After Model UN, my dad actually picked me up from school so I didn't have to go to Kim's house or take the bus. This would've been great if he hadn't been in a pissy move driving back and complaining about every single driver on the road, and then insisting that I never ask him to drive me again. So that was damn lovely.
Then I get home and write this for about two hours. Yay.
Anyway. RIGHT NOW. It's been a really long week. A really long, stressful week, and it's not over yet. I feel like I haven't a moment to pause and take a breath; I've always been either working on something or facing some damn emotional trauma, like wandering around the school for forty minutes on Tuesday. I know that doesn't seem like a big deal, but I think it actually upset me in some way...that, and being unsure about my friend status in gym, although that seems to be improving. I hate being alone. I can be alone; I can work alone, and face people alone, but I hate being alone. It feels like my protection has been ripped away and I have to build up defenses on my own; I can, but it hurts. I've been feeling that a lot, this past week. Just kind of...alone.
But that's depressing, so ignore it. I think I'll go write a short story. I like those...
OH and sorry for not responding to comments on the last post. It's because I'm a terrible person, I promise.

OH THE PLACES I'VE BEEN!

WOAH. I should've blogged.

Yesterday: first day of the second semester. Did I mention how they screwed up my schedule so, for whatever reason, lunch and health/gym periods got switched? Well, they did. So I didn't know anyone in either class. Seriously.

Now, I have too much pride to eat lunch in the cafeteria by myself. I just couldn't do it. So, naturally, the next best solution was to wander around the school. Which I did. For a half hour. Alone. I literally walked around the school for a half hour. Towards the end of the period I happened across Sharicus in the halls and joined her in a quest towards the nurse's office, but still. A HALF HOUR. I considered sucking up my pride and going to the lunchroom, or else the library (which was full), but at least in the halls I was alone in my aloneness. If that makes any sense. It's always worse to be alone in a crowd than just alone.

So, that was awful. There was a ridiculous looking security guard I passed by, like, three times. An art teacher happened to catch me walking down the inescapable F-wing (dead-end), but seemed to forget that I was out of class and instead asked if I had switched out of art classes, to which I said no, I had mine seventh period, and she said okay and kept walking. I also passed Mr. Mel, my previous health teacher. See, I saw that he was there and kind of tried to shuffle out of the way, but he had already seen me. He asked me where I was supposed to be (laughing), and I said lunch, so he asked me why I wasn't there (laughing), and I kind of mumbled, and he said I wasn't supposed to be wandering the halls (laughing), and I kind of mumbled again. I also got a copy of my schedule printed, which I didn't need, and found out where to go to get my locker combination. Also, a little bit later, I started to turn down a hallway only to see Mr. Mel, Mr. Owens (a fairly regular substitute health teacher), and another teacher just standing about halfway down the hall. And this was me: AW SHIT. So I turned really suddenly, only to RUN INTO ANOTHER TEACHER. This was me: AWWWWW SHIT. So he asked where I was going, and this was me: AWWWWW SHIT. Okay, I kid. This was me: The lunch room. It's down there. Then I kind of ran.

Of course, next period was gym. Ugh. Up is in my gym period, but not class, which I suppose doesn't really matter, but just seemed interesting. Actually, a lot of people I semi-recognize are in my gym period. Just no one I'm actually friends with. So we got our lockers, and my gym teacher is actually a really cool old guy. Then we went back out to the gym, with like thirty minutes left in class, and I just stood there awkwardly. There were these four girls kind of standing apart from me that I couldn't decide whether or not to go up to, but eventually they felt sorry for the poor, pathetic loser standing alone in the corner and came over to me. So, that was nice of them. I didn't catch all of their names, honestly. I'm calling them: Asian Girl #1, Girl Who Looks Asian, Mina, and Tallie. At least until I get their names...

THEN. English. Always the pinnacle of my day. Maniscalco decided we needed practice writing persuasively. So he presented: the box. We all had fifteen minutes to write a persuasive letter to him explaining why we should get the box. So, that was amusing.

TODAY: Today I'm pleased to announce that I did not, in fact, wander around. I just couldn't. I couldn't do it again. I walked myself down to the library, taking the long way around (like the really long way), and happened to end up next to Elizabeth and Rachel. Elizabeth is in my English class, Rachel is my Latin class; I'm not really friends with either, but Elizabeth asked me about English, and as we entered the library said I could sit with them if I wanted. So, that was nice of her. I did science homework, gave up on math homework, gave up on English homework, and read Animal Farm. Successful day.

TOMORROW, though, Shari will be in the library during that period and all will be better :)

In gym we didn't really do much; got into squads and went over procedure. Like I said, my gym teacher is pretty chill. Today I actually went over to the Four instead of them coming over to me, which I consider a step forward. I still had no idea what to say. Ever. Apparently, though, Mina is also a writer, so that was interesting, I guess. Kind of talked. Kind of awkward. TOMORROW, we start volleyball, and actually have to get changed and stuff. I'm so certain I'm going to be the only girl there wearing baggy black sweats. So certain. I could bear it if I actually had an actual friend in the class, but I don't. So I can't really bear it. Best case scenario, I hang out with Shari during lunch, and have a guidance appointment to change my schedule during gym.

I almost feel bad about leaving. Like I'm giving up on possible friends pretty clearly, and a pretty schweet gym teacher. And hanging out with Shari at lunch, at least for a marking period (while she's excused from gym). I adapt to things too quickly, so even when it sucks and I'm miserable, it becomes normal fast. But still. I currently don't have any classes with Kim and actually hadn't seen her in two days, until she happened to pass by while Shoob and I were at Shoob's locker.

Anyway. English class. Kind of boring, honestly. I don't even remember what we did. At the end of class, though, Teacher announced the winner of the persuasive writing thing. According to him, he picked his favorite three, and gave them to his mom to decide :) But anyway.
I. WON.

Yeah, that pretty much made my day :D Actually, I'm still happy about it! I won! I WON! I mean, it's pretty hard to argue when you promise that the world will erupt into smiles and rainbows, and angels will descend from the heavens in a shower of golden light. But still. I WON.

Imma finish this later, since it's like ten o'clock at night, haha. COME BACK LATER. I'M NOT DOOOONE.

Writing!

I haven't posted any writing in awhile, and this received Kim approval, so it must be good:

Snow fell softly on the desert, coating with pristine gentility the idle, swooping dunes, a still ocean. Marcia was inside, attending to her son, and I was alone in the calmness.

I thought I would enjoy the calmness. I thought it would be like when I was a child, and the days were lazy and soft, and the oncoming storm meant nothing. I thought it would be like the music of my mother, who sang when she thought we couldn’t hear; songs of sadness, loss, but lovely as a lullaby; Marcia and I would crush our ears to the pale door of our mother’s study when she sang, and then scamper off in a flurry of hushed giggles when we heard Father coming up the stairs. It was later, after we had moved from the country, that we realized that our mother’s voice was off-key, and coarse, and the magic of her quiet singing was lost.

The drifts and the waves of the whitening sand reminded me, in a contrary sort of way, to the thrashing rush of the city; we were cramped there, so much so that Marcia and I shared a bedroom. Father was always out, always working, and our mother would never tell us at what; for a long time, we assumed it was just his job—just a poor man’s effort to feed his family—but then whispers started coming in. A war was on the horizon, they said; phrases like ‘water deficiency’ and ‘changing climate’ became commonplace. Things changed quickly. My mother stopped singing, but by then, we no longer wanted to hear it.

After the war, when everything was unfamiliar and terrifying, and the world could reach out and wrench your heart from your chest, we had escaped. It was too much for us—for me. I needed the peace of my childhood, the peace of the time before the war, peace at all. Marcia followed me willingly, as she always did. Sometimes that weighed heavily on my mind, as it did now. Who knew what Marcia wanted? She wanted what I wanted, and I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. I thought it had been this. I thought wrong.

She was huddled inside the tent, singing softly to her darling child. She stopped when I came in. I stared at the toddler for a moment, wondering how something so innocent and beautiful could have possibly come about the way it did, and then told Marcia the truth.

“It’s snowing.”

“In the middle of a desert?” She shook her head, smiling sadly; her gentle curls fell in waves. They reminded me of the rolling sands, of the gentle way the snow twirled and floated from the sky. It was too much.

“I guess so.”

Stuff and stuff.

Today I have used the word 'euphemists' for the first time, ever. I'm writing a story and I have no idea where it's going, because I've only written the first two paragraphs.

This weekend I need to do two main things: research my Model UN topic and write a coherent position paper, and write a research paper on Commodus for Latin. Naturally, I'm doing neither of those things, but instead writing something which I most likely will do nothing with. I just feel like writing something amazing. Wouldn't it be nice if that were easy?

SKIP THIS PART IF YOU DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT RELIGION THIS EARLY/LATE IN THE DAY.

Today I had a fairly lengthy discussion on religion and law with my mom. It started because I brought up something I had heard about; an article about a 16-year-old who died because his grandparents didn't take him to the hospital. They opted for prayer, instead, with the logic being that if he died, it was God's will. If I remember correctly, they were charged with child neglect, which some people have difficulty justifying, because they believed that they weren't doing anything wrong. Because it was because of religious views that they didn't bring this young man to the hospital, where he could have received proper treatment for his illness (if I remember correctly, it was something along the lines of pneumonia, or some other mildly serious, easily treatable disease). There have been a lot of cases where this has happened, and in most, the guardian of the child was charged with child neglect. Here's my stance: in no circumstance should religious beliefs be put over the law. If it can be proven that the child had any chance of surviving, had he/she received proper medical care, and that the guardians neglected to provide this for the child, then it is child neglect. Justification on the guardian's part is meaningless: means never, in any circumstances, justify the ends. Regardless of why or how, this child died because his guardians did not provide him with medical care. If the child had wanted to go to a hospital, and the guardians refused because of their own beliefs, then it could be considered abuse, endangerment, or outright murder (although, in this case, that the minor wanted medical attention cannot be assumed).

There's a reason for the separation of church and state. If someone was murdered in the name of religion, the murderer would and should still be charged. If someone murdered because the murderer was a psychopath, then the murderer would and should still be charged. The same crime was committed, and therefore the same punishment should be given; if we make an exception for anyone, anywhere, because they believed they were justified, then we could make an exception for everyone. The only way law, an integral part of a functioning society, can be upheld is if it is, without exemption, consistent. Arbitrary law leads to chaos. Religious laws can never be held above state laws; if a person commits a crime in the name of religion, then they commit a crime, and must be punished; at least they will go to jail believing that they upheld their religious views, and more power to them--at least they will believe themselves a martyr in their own mind, while the rest of the world is freed from the wanton chaos that "justified crime" promotes.

Unfortunately, there's always the case in which people feel that crime truly is justified--such as murder in self-defense. That's why there are multiple degrees in murder, and why it's up to courts to decide which degree a person is accused of. If someone wants to make multiple degrees of child neglect, then that's an entirely different matter; until then, however, there is never justification for a child dying.

Of course we also discussed religion in general. This will be a shorter discussion, since I don't really see the point of religious debates. I consider myself agnostic, while my parents, though very faithful, or not terribly religious. I think they get annoyed, sometimes, that I have doubts about God. I'm agnostic for two reasons:

1. I cannot say one way or another that God exists, and therefore, I will not tell someone else that their beliefs are wrong, nor will I accept a specific religion. I can never be sure. Honestly, I'm okay with that. After all, if we haven't found the answer yet, it doesn't mean there isn't one; it only means we haven't found it.
2. I don't want to believe in God only because my parents do. This may seem like a silly reason, but I don't want to devote myself to something just because I'm afraid it might actually exist, and that I'll be punished if I don't. Other people have their reasons, but frankly, I want my own reasons.

Also, regarding religion, I find it annoying that a lot of people think science and religion are mutually exclusive. I'll quote my dad here and say that science could very well prove that God exists. However, religion and science, while not inherently disproving the other, render the other unnecessary. I will give science credit for at the very least trying to find an answer besides, "God did it," which is honestly an easy way out of actually thinking about something. I never have liked blind faith.

MEANINGFUL PART OVER. COMMENCE WITH BRAINLESS FLUFF.

ANYWAY. The bus is like, 8451554359 times more fun with Ryd there. I have named him Ryd. Suck it. Also, I got an 84 on that science test I was convinced I did poorly on. So...I was right. Sucks. Although I'm not as heartbroken as I thought I'd be. Well, I never thought I'd be that heartbroken to begin with...

The semester ends on MONDAY. Oh, snap. Apparently someone thought it would be a good idea to switch my lunch and gym/health period so I have lunch third period and gym fourth. The hell.  That is awful in every way.

BUT I got gym pants, which are basically baggy black sweats (because what else would you wear??) that I am currently wearing, because damn, they are comfortable. I still do not condone wearing sweats in public. Ever. EVER. I mean, as part of a regular outfit. Get the hell out of your pajamas and into some real clothes. Jeans are your friend. Wow, I love jeans...
And now I get back to writing. Ta-ta!

A new century.

It hindsight it was not the best idea to save my massive lab report till the day before it was due. Good thing I can finish these in a day. Good thing it was a snow day; if it wasn't I'd be so screwed right now.

Naturally, of course, I've written the outline and now I'm procrastinating. Actually, I was just reading some old poetry I'd written. In seventh grade I wrote a lot of crappy poetry about, well, a person who hated me that I...didn't hate. In eighth grade I started writing sonnets. Like, only sonnets. It seemed weird to me to write a poem that wasn't a sonnet. Recently I guess I've been breaking away from that...I still don't like any of my poetry...

But now it's harder for me to write poetry because I don't feel anything for anyone. Just like I'm no longer interested in love songs. I just can't relate anymore.

Okay. I should get to work. It's Kerm's birthday! Wish her a happy birthday, everyone, even though she doesn't actually read this blog! Or hers!

600 and stuff.

Reflection? Reflection is for yearly milestones. 600th post don't really mean shit. I even used incorrect grammar for it; that's how much it really doesn't matter. 1000th, that'll be something to look forward to. That'll be a milestone. 666th, you best be expected a picture of the devil.

Just picture it. Picture it, my mind. A lonely night. A place in your head that you must've seen, must've seen. If you don't look up you can still see it but your feet keep moving anyway. Worlds collide, the right one and the one that would be wrong, if you were in it. Seconds pass.

Life goes on. Small things, big things; things with names that won't ever matter, and names you won't ever know. A calling, a vocation collides with the here and now, with the past clawing on and the present lasting forever, and a million paths to choose, even though you know you'll only choose one. What could I be, if I so aspired? But it doesn't matter, because I'm already going to pick what I'm going to pick, and the world must have decided already. Sometimes I wish I was better than I was.

Hours can turn to seconds faster than seconds into hours. It's always happening, all the time. If you think of the world inversely, then we're all just going backwards. Nothing matters. We're just an anomaly, just part of the fabric; we're wind caught in the dust of the desert, the screaming of the ocean. I wrote once that words are the paragon of humanity, but no one read it. I guess it doesn't exist.

Funny how I started making a graph, realized I didn't know how, and instead starting writing my freaky head-shit. Hallelujah.

Today, what did I do? I got up in the morning. The bus was not late. Got to school, took a math test that was surprisingly easy. Usually they're so long no one finishes them. Anyway. I went to Small Engines today, and had minimal communication with Wezzers! I like to think he either hates me more or less, a great deal or a great little respectively. Regardless. I think I try to act a certain way around him, but it never goes quite as planned. I don't mean I try to not act myself or something (which is impossible anyway) but I try to use the part of me that I guess I think he would like the most, even though he doesn't like anyone, especially people who aren't his friends (I guess he likes his friends.) And now I'm kind of wondering how intentionally rude he'd be if he read this. Or how batshit crazy he'd think I was if he read the first thing I wrote. Or, most likely, he just wouldn't care. That's a great philosophy, right there.

And now I've devoted nearly an entire paragraph to him, even though I said I wouldn't =.=

I also took a science test today, which I actually think I did pretty damn bad on. This is bad, because I have a streak of seven sticker-tests (sticker=above 90) in a row, and if I mess it up I'm going to be sad. Sad, I tell you. Sad.

Oh, and I got a 97 on my epic world civ. project. I think I know why. I hope she comments on my last topic: The Best Waste of Time to Learn About: The Mali Empire. This is the last sentence for my argument for that:

If we had never learned about the Mali Empire, at the very least we could live our lives free of the terrible burden of knowing such a useless and insignificant chunk of land as the Mali Empire was ever allowed to exist.

So now I guess I get to figure out how to use Excel to make a graph. Infinite happiness.

Oh, and one last thing:

600 posts, mofos!!!!!

Yeah, I hope that happens...

Owl Monday

I got a 96% on my science test!! Hollah. This is the seventh high score I've gotten in a row. Now I'm afraid every time he passes back tests in case, for some reason, I've messed up and broken the streak ^.^ That would make me sad. Quite.

I'm getting hot chocolate from Starbucks in a few. That makes my life complete.

I have a science lab due on Friday that I haven't started yet. I figured it would be easier just to turn it in on Monday, so I could have the weekend to work on it. Silly me forgot that the marking period ends on Friday, which shoots that plan to hell. So, damn.

I'm torn between liking someone and just finding them interesting. I don't think I like him. I think I just want to like someone, because I'm so damn bored with no one to write about =.=

Of course, I've still entertained the idea that I've almost shut down emotionally (at least in matters of the heart) since a certain someone pretty much drained any semblance of a healthy relationship between me and, well, my heart. Or I just haven't found anyone yet.

Today the bus came late (again!), but arrived literally thirty seconds after Gem's dad started driving us to school. It just occured to me that I forgot to mention that to my parents, but mostly because my fingers were so frozen after being stuck in 6 degree weather for a half hour that I probably was incapable of texting, and then I just forgot after school. Just like I forgot that I had brought lunch today (a granola bar which I ended up having on the bus home), and just like I forgot my science homework. I'm a forgetful person. Some things just aren't important enough to remember.

Today was Owl Monday, and Thursday will be Chicken Sock Thursday. Everything is better now.

Goodbye.

598

Hell yeah. Just think: on Tuesday, I could write my 600th post. Hurrah!

Never mind that I'll probably forget, and post 603 will instead be dedicated to the achievement.

You'd think I'd be able to write a paragraph on the influence of COMMUNISM. Damn everything.

I'm currently writing about how the Mali Empire was the "Best Waste of Time to Learn About", since for the sixth topic in our "Best Of..." midterm project, we can choose our own. Yes. Just, yes.

UGH.

Oh, what random inane thing could I blog about today? Certainly not anything meaningful or significant. Mayhaps I will mention that I need a shower, or that I've officially taken the chipped nail polish off of my nails; mayhaps not. Mayhaps.

[Take Me Out--Franz Ferdinand]

Tomorrow I'm going to the mall with Shari and Kim! Wonders of wonders. I have a shitload of homework that I'm not doing now and that I won't have time for tomorrow. I'm incredibly lazy. Here's a list:

• A sheet in math with literally the most inane problems ever; I actually already finished this but I'm complaining about it anyway.
• A project in World Civ. in which I must make a short portfolia on the best leader, event, cultural contribution, location, written work, and pick-your-own of the cultures we've studied this year. Damn, I don't know what we've studied this year. Besides the fact that I don't care. The good news is that this should be easy, once I figure out what I'm going to pick; the bad news is that it's stupid and due on Monday. Woo.
• Science text book assignment, which is actually only 20 questions this time but will still take me around an hour, maybe a bit less.
• Science LAB REPORT(<-death) that's actually due on Friday, but it's impossible to do a lab over the week. At least one day must be devoted to a lab report, and I no longer have a day. I had this day, which obviously was not taken advantage of, and tomorrow, in which I am going to the mall and probably won't get back till 5-ish, maybe later. Ugh.

This may not seem like a lot, but it is. It really is. It wouldn't even be a problem if it weren't for that damn lab. Lab reports ruin everything.

I hate doing homework on Saturday. It ruins the sanctity of the weekend. Ugh, I always feel like I never have time for anything on weekends. Ugh. UGH. Someone do my homework for me. Specifically, my science lab. Please?

Decrees and Origin of Plastic

Have any of you ever wondered the origin of 'Plastic'? And do you honestly expect me to take the time and consideration to explain it? Heh, no.

Today, while walking to the bus stop, I managed to slip on a GIANT NOTICEABLE SLUSHY SLICK OF ICE on a driveway, and fall on my knees. It didn't hurt, because they landed in slush, but--cold. And wet. And awful. A great start to the day, naturally.

In English today, we took a ridiculously easy reading exam, and English Teacher(<-I have hereby given up on giving my teachers names) tried to make small talk about the book I was reading from World Civ. And this was me: um. And this was his hair: damn spiky. You know, yesterday, he didn't spike his hair. That is something students need to be prepared for. It was a weird length, and lighter brown than normal (because normally it's jacked up with copious amounts of gel.) I say it's a sign of the apocalypse. Heh, he didn't hear me yesterday when I made asked him if he ran out of hair gel...
In art we once again used someone else's artwork to create a picture instead of our own, which sucks ass. Art Teacher is on a Japan-craze. I really have no idea if this was supposed to be part of our curriculum or not, but I guess so. We're copying(*RAGE!*) postcards that she got from her Japan trip. I haven't gotten very far, because I spent more time talking and complaining about how hard it was going to be than actually doing it...heh. We also drank green tea, which I knew I didn't like, but I asked for anyway. It was bitter without the bitterness. Neugh.
Oh, and I'm probably going to the mall some time this weekend with Shoobi. Yay! Now that I've posted it in a public forum, it MUST be true!
I hereby decree that 'y'allmost' is a correct contraction of 'You almost'. I HAVE DECREED IT. LET IT BE SO.

Hibye.

So I have found that I enjoy making maps of places that don't exist, which I use in stories. Fun, fun.

So, what has gone on in the life of Strawberry? What reason could she possibly have for neglecting to blog for four entire days? Surely she must have been so busy that she could not possibly fit in writing anywhere in her schedule, despite how terribly bad she felt about all of it? I'm sure I've made this joke enough times before for you all to know that, nay, in fact, I have pretty much done nothing since the last time I blogged, and I hadn't done anything when last I blogged either. My life is boring, mais c'est la vie or some shit. Although I understand that phrase when bad shit happens, I don't think there's any excuse for just having a boring life. I think tomorrow I'll do something exciting and drastic, like tell the current object of my affections that he is such (although that's not entirely true, KIM!), or not wear a hoodie. I mean I totally won't do either of those things, but it's nice to imagine...

Although, sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be bad to do something drastic, just to see if I could--and what I would do. Haha, now I'm just reading my yearly horoscope, which says this:

Rather than applying your brilliant yet critical mind in assessing other people's shortcomings, you're ready to confront your own strengths and weaknesses on a new level. This year favors the clean slate approach to all matters of self-help, renewal and transformation of your personality. You're leaving many aspects of your old self behind in order to become a better and more authentic version of who you really are.

And now I'm not sure what I was talking about, or if I was ever talking about anything to begin with.

I'm off to write something. Specifically the story I've been writing and rewriting several times this week because it just keeps turning out awfully. But hey, perseverence, right?

So, that sounds endlessly exciting. Never mind that according to the horoscope, that all starts in March. So, why can't I start my soul-searching now? Are the planets not alligned properly for me to perform some deep, meaningful assessment of myself? Do I not have the right energy or some bullshit? Oh, and get this: my yearly 'love' horoscope says if it's "not a soul connection that will transform every fiber of your being," I'll lose interest. Exciting year. Naturally.

Another uninnocent elegant fall into the unmagnificent lives of adults.

I'm a terrible person for not blogging. It's not even for lack of things to blog about! I'm just a terrible, terrible person.

On Wednesday (even though it was forever ago) I kind of sat around, and went sledding with Vera and co. 'Twas amazingly cold. I, like an idiot, wore thin cloth gloves and, at first, couldn't even feel my hands. Then I got some mittens and everything hurt. Everything hurt.

On Thursday pretty much nothing eventful happened during school. I staid after for a Model UN meeting that lasted all of fifteen minutes, then went to Kerm's house. Yay! Didn't get a whole lot done, haha. I had to stay till almost 10 o'clock since my dad worked late, but her mom didn't seem too annoyed, so that's good. We had Chinese food and stuff. And it was cold--the weather, not the food.

Today--not a whole lot happened, I guess. Just a regular Friday and all that. We just started trapezoids and kites in geometry, which was of course the pinnacle of my day. Had lab today, which did not involve burning things, and therefore was not exciting. We just got back from P. F. Chang's, which had an AMAZING dessert thing that pretty just made everything else better. Yeah.

So I guess I did have a lack of things to blog about. Oh well.

[The Well and the Lighthouse--Arcade Fire]

I think I'll write something.

[Mistaken for Strangers--The National]

So...yeah.

I'm writing this from Kim's house. Woo!

I'm pretty sure that, as I was planning this entry in my head, I actually had something to write about. That moment is gone. I can no longer think of anything that happened in the last several days that would actually be worthy of blogging about. Oh well.

So, on Tuesday, pretty much everyone was convinced that there'd be a snow day the next day and that there'd be a riot if there wasn't. There was, but, you know, the next day. Anyway. Nothing eventful happened, but when I got home I bought music. Music!

• Back Against the Wall by Cage the Elephant
• Change (In the House of Flies) by Deftones
• Disenchanted by My Chemical Romance
• The End. by My Chemical Romance
• House of Wolves by My Chemical Romance
• Mistaken for Strangers by The National
• The Night Starts Here by Stars
• Personal by Stars
• Rest in Pieces by Saliva
• Seize the Day by Avenged Sevenfold
• The Sharpest Lives by My Chemical Romance
• Sleep by My Chemical Romance
• This Is How I Disappear by My Chemical Romance
• The Well and the Lighthouse by Arcade Fire

In alphabetical order, too. You may have noticed, I have rediscovered by love for My Chemical Romance. Yay and stuff. I guess it doesn't apply as much as it did when I was in middle school and all angsty and shit, but...yeah.

And now I will finish this later, because I have to go home. Heh. Heh heh.

Cold. So very, very cold.

Today I waited outside in the freezing cold for over 30 minutes before acknolwedging that no, the bus was not going to come. So I offered to drive Gem to school, and then the scary Asian kid at my bus stop who I have officially spoken my first several words to today. Happy insists that he's not scary because one type she saw him eating chocolate pudding, but I still say he's scary. I just felt so bad, leaving him all alone in the cold after loudly talking on the phone about being dropped off at school. We were all late, anyway...

Also today I wore a hat made out of paper. Your argument is invalid.

Oh, and apparently my English teacher is under the impression I am "sensible." Heh. Heh heh.

So on the bus today my seat was TAKEN by the new kid on the bus, and the reason me, Gem, and Scary Boy missed it. But hey, he seemed cool. He thought I was Jewish, and that my eyes were green. Whatever.

So I guess this entry is moderately long enough to be called an entry. Hooray! So I'm really hoping there's no school tomorrow. Or at the very least a delay, since we don't have to make that up. Yeah, that'd be nice.

And...

Yeah.

Another incredibly short post.

So I guess I should blog and stuff. You know. Since I haven't done so in like, forever...

Of course, it's not like I have anything to blog about. Weekend was boring. Today was boring. Didn't finish my homework, but all it is is reading and a worksheet; the former will be finished tomorrow on the bus and the latter, during lunch. I guess I should eat dinner soon, but...I'm not hungry. So now I'm just heart-wrenchingly bored. Out of my mind.

I guess I'll go write something. And have a hot pocket.

Bangsy

So I woke up at 11:20 today for some reason. That is, like, really late. Like, really. I mean, I wasn't planning on doing anything anyway, but still. That's really late...

I got a haircut! My hair is now considerably more bangs-y. And shorter. Not that I particularly wanted it shorter, but I still like it :) So yay.

That's really all I've done today. So...yeah.

Turns out, I am.

Commentary aside, I'm debating between these [many]. If I were a decent person I'd make a playlist with all of these so you could all listen to them all (if you would anyway...) but, you know, I'm not.

• Animal I Have Become by Three Days Grace
• Just Like You by Three Days Grace
• Wolf Life Me by TV On the Radio
• Paper Thin Hymn by Anberlin
• Wake Up by Arcade Fir
• Loser by Beck
• I Miss You by Blink-182
• Into the Ocean by Blue October
• Ugly Side by Blue October
• Until the End by Breaking Benjamin
• The Scientist by Coldplay
• Violet Hill by Coldplay
• Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day
• Human by The Killers
• Smile Like You Mean It by The Killers
• By Myself by Linkin Park
• Faint by Linkin Park
• Moving at the Speed of Life by Living Legends
• I've Got Friends by Manchester Orchestra
• Time Is Running Out by Muse
• Sing for Absolution by Muse
• Map of the Problematique by Muse
• Teenagers by My Chemical Romance
• I'm Not Okay by My Chemical Romance
• Every Day Is Exactly the Same by Nine Inch Nails
• Upside Down by Paloma Faith
• New York by Paloma Faith
• One of a Kind by Placebo
• Who Wants to Live Forever by Queen
• The Show Must Go On by Queen
• Take Me to the Riot by Stars
• MakeDamnSure by Taking Back Sunday

And now I guess I decide...haha. Props if you know all of these songs. +1000 for you, friend.

Maybe I won't.

I found a file I had made awhile ago labeled "Books I MUST Finish", filled with stories I had started that I actually felt inclined to finish. The sad part is I've deleted half of this stories in my biannual cleaning-out of the story bin. So I decided to make a new one, except this time with summaries so I'd actually remember what I wanted to write. I only got three books done before I got bored and quit...so...yeah.

Yesterday I joined Kimberton, Leo, and Up at Small Engines, except I really only joined Kimberton and Leo because Up seems to be extremely adverse to my occasionally joining them all in the class. Actually, every time he sees me there, he asks with a somewhat snide, outraged, flabbergasted, and generally rude tone--"What are you doing here?" (put the inflections where you will) and then proceeds to ignore me for the rest of the class. Yup, we all love Wezzers. Or Upperton. I haven't decided.

Then we went to English where I, for maybe the 10,000th time in my life, was presented with a line to speak and completely blanked out, resulting in my standing there with my mouth hanging open trying to remember what my name was, let alone what I was supposed to say.

Oh, and apparently Happy is switching out of my lunch. That leaves me with Sanguine. I mean, I love Sanguine and all, but she's not much of a conversationist. Plus, Happy constitutes 1/2 of the people I sit with at lunch. So joyous day. Joyous f*cking day.

I would apologize for dropping the f-bomb there, but...seriously. I even put in an asterick, to make it less offensive for people who give a shit. I am so damn nice. I mean, I hardly ever say it anyway, so...yeah.

Anyway. I realized I haven't updated my theme song in awhile. I'm sure it's not still Animal I Have Become, by Three Days Grace (no really. listen to that song.). I mean, I don't think I'm that angry anymore. So...yeah. The search begins! Maybe later I'll post candidates. Or...MAYBE I WON'T.

As promised.

I don't particularly love the ending. Oh well.

Eter-

Soft light, like from her eyes, breaking through the salty seas above us—cradling us in shafts of painless daylight, the burn and bite cut off in the blueness of the sea. I thought I saw her. I thought I heard her voice, and ached to be with her. I would be, soon. I would be with her.

I thought I felt her hand on mine, soft as angels’ wings, leading me towards the gentle rolling lights of heaven.

I thought I saw the sad sweet glimmer in her eyes as she wrapped me in her arms and carried me towards her brilliance.

Sammie-

When he opened his eyes next, and the three of us—Jackson, Rel, and I—breathed a collective sigh of relief, he started crying.

“Eter,” Jackson gasped, grabbing his drenched shirt with both hands. “Eter, you idiot—“

Rel stifled a sob of her own, and shut her eyes against the sight of her brother half-dead on the sand, and turned into the shoulder of the air. I watched helplessly. I could understand him, now. I had finally figured out that far-off look in his eyes when he said, “Sammie, I’m losing myself.”

He tried to get up, but collapsed on the sand; Jackson held him up and pounded on his back so he would spit out the salt water. Half the water, though, seemed to be coming from his eyes; he fell back into Jackson’s arms with a choking, sobbing sound; “Jane, my Jane, how could you take her away from me?”

I laid an unsteady hand on his back. I made him look me in the eyes, and he was ragged.

“Eter.” I could think of nothing else to say. He stared at me haphazardly, as if unsure I could be so cruel as to take him away from his Jane.

“I can’t live without her, Sammie,” he whispered, as if only I could hear. “I can’t—I can’t—“

He fell into sobs again, and Jackson held him, and Rel stared out at the sea.

Rel-

Three days pass, and I find myself at Jane Nity’s grave, staring stone-still at the tracks the rain makes on her humble tombstone. Every flower Eter had left is still there, some withered and brown, some still clinging to color while their edges fell away. The latest one, the one left three days ago—a single rose, with a clean white note, now damp from the rain—still retained its crimson hue.

I shouldn’t. I do anyway, though.

The note, or what’s left of it, says six words: I’m coming, Jane. I love you. I can see where his hand starting shaking, at her name. Oh, he would not be nervous at the promise to end his own life, but the thought of her—the thought of seeing her again, and the endless pain between this and then—was too much for him to bear. Ashamed, I let the not fall to the muddy ground, and turn my face into my palms and sob.

He wouldn’t speak to anyone. It doesn’t matter, though. No one deserves to speak to him, not after what we did to him—we kept him away from his Jane.

Eter-

I feel time passing, through the haze of my despair. About me is only darkness, pulsing and clawing and screeching silence in my head, and it won’t consume me. I am poisoned by anguish. I am too miserable living now to die.

Sometimes I see people I’ve forgotten the name of, people with blue eyes, people with pleading voices. I don’t try to hear what they say. I feel nothing anymore, except agony of losing her, every moment of the day.

Thoughts reach me sometimes, through my grief-filled fog. Only thoughts of sadness. I was so close. I could feel her in my arms, leading me; I could see her eyes; I could see her, and she was taking me with her. She was taking me to be with her, forever. I had felt my ascension, and I had felt her, and now there was nothing—nothing but empty torture, which every moment wrought.

Eternities pass before they force-feed me their drugs and I begin to feel again, and I see those blue eyes in front of me, and I feel everything like a torrent and I cry, I cry.

Sammie-

Something like years pass before I get him to smile again, and even though, the sadness never leaves his eyes. We can’t ask for more than that, I guess. We don’t let him go to the beach anymore.

Rel had to leave for school, and Jackson came and went—he just couldn’t stay in one place, caring for Eter, like I could. Both of them cared so much; I knew that. We all loved him. I loved him, and I think he loved me, in the way that people love after all the light leaves their life. I like to think I kept him alive, through the years; maybe kept some small part of him alive, so he wouldn’t lose himself entirely.

We were out, one night, picking up dinner, when he turned to me and said, “Thank you, Sammie.”

“Coke or Sprite?”

“No.” He swallowed and tears welled in his eyes. “Thank you, Sammie. You know I love you. I wish it was enough.”

I stared out the window for a moment, watching his reflection in the night-reflected glass. “That’s okay, Eter.”

More years passed and I married Jackson, and we bought a house near a mountain. Eter came to visit, sometimes, always carrying that definite sadness with him; that terrible misery. He was okay, he said. He had learned to swim, now, he said with a laugh—or what how he laughed, which was not really a laugh at all. He wasn’t jumping into any oceans any time soon.

I guess I believe him.

Some things just don't work the way we want them to.

I need a haircut. Seriously. I'm bordering on shaggy by this point, if I haven't already crossed the line. But I hate spending $15 on a haircut (well, my parents hate spending $15 on a haircut) if all I do is trim, not cut. Because, like, where's the excitement? WHERE HAS MY MONEY GONE? But I also don't want to change my hair. I don't love it where it is, but I'm kind of sick of it short. Besides, cutting your hair short when it's really long is so fun :) I don't particularly want it long, though, either. Ho-hum, dilemma...

Okay, so, Demogorgon has officially edited a story I wrote. A short story. I think I may've posted it. May've isn't a word. Anyway. It was exactly a stellar review. They liked it, said the writing was good, but it didn't "flow." And I'm just like...what. Not that I don't think it needs edited, but...it doesn't flow? How am I supposed to fix that? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CHANGE THE "FLOW" IF THE WORDS ARE ALL RIGHT?

So, yeah. That depresses me.

I also really need new jeans. I have five pairs, and I hate three of them. Seriously. One pair is skinny jeans, which both emphasize my terribly awkward knees and make me look somewhat pudgy (them being skinny jeans and all). One is about a size too big for me and are, like, light-wash, which therefore makes them ugly [on me, so don't get prissy.] And finally, one would be fine, if it wasn't TOO DAMN SHORT. So that leaves me with my favorite, and my second-favorite, which I wear on Monday and Tuesday, and which I have already exhausted for the week. So...I need new jeans.

I have been writing for the last half hour or so, with Kim. The requirements are: a short story about eternal love (original, I know) with one of the characters underwater. Mmhmm. So, I will post that when I'm done.

Eyes like hurricanes.

That has nothing to do with anything. Really. I just made it up :D

Today I have done: science lab, and Sims 2. No matter how many times I redid it, this lady would not give birth to twin girls. It was always a girl and a boy. And I'm just like, hail no. This is not worth it. Cuz I know you all care about my exploits on the Sims :D

I actually didn't finish my science lab, but I have two things left to do: answer a single question, and draw a really easy diagram. So, yay. Good thing it's due on Friday and not tomorrow, yeah :D Although I can't help the feeling that I have something due, like, tomorrow that for some reason is not on Progress Book that I'm missing...but...whatever. I don't want to think about going to school tomorrow. No indeed...

And that is all I have done today. Hoorah. Hooray. Hoo.

1-1-11

Is not as exciting as 11-11-11, at 11:11, in which the most epic wish ever will be made. I have not yet decided what that wish will be, but when I do, it'll be epic. Ten months and ten days to go, eh?

I did not, in fact, finish my science lab. Probably because I was unable to focus on it for more than two minutes at a time. Whatever. I will definitely  most likely probably perhaps positively without doubt absolutely not not not not not finish it tomorrow! Woo.

So, I think my problem with writing stories is my fear of making a good first impression. Or not even that, but what I'm known for as a writer. Or rather, I'm just a damn perfectionist who is trying to do something beyond my ability. Something like that. I mean, I look at all the books in the teens' section and it just depresses me how pitifully contrived, unoriginal, and worst of all, poorly written they are. And I think to myself, I have to be better than that. And I always somehow get it into my head that every story I write is just not good enough to stand out from that pathetic crowd.

Or, you know, I just get bored with it really fast because I have the attention span of a fish.

So I think my "liking" other people is not so much me liking them, but wanting them to like me. Otherwise it wouldn't make any damn sense half the people I "like." They pose a challenge. Or, rather, they feed into my self-conscious belief that I'm not worth anybodies consideration, and deserve not to be 'liked'. Or, nobody likes me, so it just seems like I only like people who never will.

That was a self-deprecating paragraph. Forgive me, O loyal readers.

Because I know there are so many of you.

I really don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I've been rambling about nonsense this entire post.

I came to realize a long time ago that most people aren't even worth saving, so when I eventually make the world a better place, it will be for me. Because hardly anyone else deserves what I could envision for them.

You see, I wish he knew me better...because we could be PERFECT together.

It would probably be better for everyone involved if no one read this entry...

To distract you from my scatter-brainedness, I present to you, a picture I hold with special regard:

Yeah. I couldn't find another picture.
My phone isn't charging even though it's plugged in. I'm off to go write something trippy.

Second

So for some reason the time gets all messed up on Blogger and messed up when I posted my last two entries...one at 11:59 last night, and one at around 12:25. So, yeah.

See, I should totally be doing my science lab right now, but I'm completely confused on one section on all the other sections are just too much work. I'm the laziest person ever. And I hate science labs. My gosh, I hate science labs.

I think I'll go do something pointless and stupid to avoid doing work. Hoo rah.

And this is my first post.